Everyone deserves excellent non-biased, non-judgmental, LGBT-affirming care. Seeing practitioners who are part of the LGBT community can heighten the relationship and improve outcomes. We can all maximize our health care by understanding our own personal needs and desires, with constant reevaluation and reassessment.

The rise of LGBT-friendly medical culture is addressing closeted issues head on. And it’s about time.

During the aging - or should I say, maturing - process, change recalibrates one’s expectations, and without constant analysis, we may never reach our true potential. Here’s what you should consider in order to maximize your sexual health consultation and care:

An Open and Honest Doctor-Patient Relationship

First and foremost, it is important to define your doctor-patient relationship. The true understanding of individuals comes through open lines of communication. As patients, we tend to put up so many barriers. But we need safe outlets where we can receive high-quality gender- and sexual-specific care. A true and honest relationship lends itself to the delivery of unsurpassed health care.

That being said, our country is so divisive in the care one receives that responsibilities tend to fall on the patient, demanding a practitioner with a comprehensive understanding of all the sensitivities and concerns that fall within the LGBT community.

All facets of your health - be it psychological, social, or physical - should be evaluated at least yearly, if not more, depending upon one’s risk. If this is lacking or missing, then find another practitioner who hits the mark. There are many accessible medical leaders, and now with websites - like Lighthouse LGBT - highlighting sex-positive professionals, the move is yours to make. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.

Your Sexual History: What the Doc Needs to Know

The cornerstone of the mind, body, and spirit lies within one’s sexual history. All the rest of the medical analytics are routine and standard across the profession, with limited standard deviation on the care one receives. Yet, the sexual taboo continues to be in full force in my profession and it is incumbent upon the client to be educated on the appropriate questions one should ask.

This ranges from defining one’s sexual interests and desires to functional and risk assessments, all helping to minimize any harm or disease. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has developed a simple categorization of sexual history questions to paint an accurate picture of what should be the gold standard of evaluation. It’s “The Five P’s For Sexual Behavior History Taking.” Let’s break it down.

Figuring out how long to wait before you have sex with someone is a deeply personal question that is highly dependent on a wide variety of factors and conditions.

For example, if you’re looking for a man to enter into a serious, long-term relationship with, or if you’re even looking for a man you may one day marry, then you might prolong the waiting period before you slip between the sheets.

Sex is extremely important to a healthy relationship, but sometimes it’s wise to make sure it isn’t the only aspect of your relationship when you’re looking to build something with a little longevity.

However, if you’re just looking to go out and have fun and hook up with new guys, then waiting a long time to have sex probably doesn’t make a lot of sense.

You can’t be (safely, responsibly) slutty if you’re making every attractive guy you meet wait six months before the two of you get down to business. If you’re in the middle of an uncommitted stage of your dating life, then you really shouldn’t wait very long to hook up with the men you meet.

In other words, the only way to know how long you should wait before having sex with a man is to be pretty clear about what sort of relationships you’re looking for.

It sounds mechanical but until you set some firm goals about what you’re looking for from the men you meet, you can’t ascribe to any universal rule about how long you should or shouldn’t wait before having sex.

Should I have sex with someone I just met?

Define “just met.”

Should you have sex with a man you’ve been on one date with or whom you just met at a bar or a party and spent some time getting to know? Sure, why not. If you find him attractive, and if you’re at a point in your dating life where you just want to mess around, then you should absolutely go for it.

While this is advice for those who identify as “bottoms,” anyone who has anal sex should have an understanding of the process involved in successful bottoming. It will help you be a better “top” and positively affect your sexual experiences.

The act of bottoming is a true art, and whether it’s your first attempt or you’ve been experimenting with it for quite some time, analyzing your readiness and the proper techniques not only allows you to reach heightened sexual pleasure, but also enables safe and enduring practices.

If you’ve never tried bottoming, but you’re curious, you shouldn’t just dive in without preparation. Successful and pleasurable bottoming takes time and practice, through dilation exercises, training of your self-awareness, and control of the pelvic floor.

The good news? Bottoming shouldn’t hurt. Of course, it may be uncomfortable at first and you might initially question how there could ever be pleasure in it-something that happens with vaginal sex the first time as well.It takes practice, patience, and following a few simple guidelines to enhance this sexual practice. I often tell patients that great bottoms have been doing it for quite some time, with many first experiencing it in their youth. Unfortunately, no one showed us the right way to bottom in our high school sex ed classes. Still, it’s never too late to learn so you can enjoy new and positive sexual experiences.

Here’s my 101 guide to bottoming:

1. Begin With Dilation

Get yourself an anal trainer kit, and start training for dilation two to three times a week (for as little as five minutes each time). Use a water-based lubricant and start with the smallest plug. Insert just to the point of pressure. Hold it there for a few seconds, then try to engage the muscles. Allow yourself to relax before removing the plug, then re-lubricate and re-insert to the point of pressure. Repeating this process will prove successful over time, so don’t get discouraged if the first time you only get a small portion of the tip in. Repeat the process three to five times. The key is to remember there are three sets of muscles that need to relax for a successful entry. Think of it as a tunnel, and the entire tunnel needs to be a well-lubed cylinder. We don’t advise inserting the entire length of the plug and leaving it in on the first try, because removal may be difficult, which could cause tearing. If after four to five sessions you can insert that size without any issues, you’re ready to graduate to the next size. Don’t forget to enjoy it. If you become stimulated during the process, go for it! Not only is it a pleasurable side effect to your dilation training, but you can start to channel your orgasm anally and begin to gain control over time.

2. Ready For The Real Thing

When you’ve successfully mastered a medium size plug, you’re ready to graduate to the real thing. Congratulations! It’s always best to start off with you in total control and a partner you trust to be patient in letting you decide the level you’re comfortable with. Some people use dilators first, either with or without a sexual partner, to “warm up” and remind themselves of the practiced techniques. Once the engines have been started, the bottom needs to sit on the tip of the penis, allowing control of entry. Use plenty of lubricant and remember the different sets of muscles that need to be released to allow access. Start off using the same technique of inserting until you feel pressure, hold it there, pull out, re-lubricate, and repeat. The three to five-time rule applies here as well. Being on top of the penis really allows for you to determine your level of comfort. If pain occurs, you can stop, call it a day, and try again another time. It’s not worth causing pain or a potential injury.

Although it may be hard to tell, gay men are just like any other population: We come in all shapes and sizes. And at our healthiest, we would still look drastically different from each other.

Yet there is one body type that we are often expected to attain. A passing glance at the media and the advertising industry’s portrayal of the modern gay man is a portrait of massive pecs, bulging biceps, a teeny-tiny waist, and thighs the size of tree trunks. This impossible pinnacle of perfection is what we are led to believe is that of a healthy man, but for a countless number of gay men who are killing themselves to achieve it, it can be anything but.

Here are six reasons why the "gay gym body" isn’t a healthy body.

1. Comparison creates an unhealthy body image.

Whenever you set unattainable fitness goals, the progress you make can sometimes be what makes you feel as if you will never be good enough. Your body can only look like the best version of your body, and by comparing yourself to someone with a wildly different body composition, you will always feel as if you are “less than.” This notion is generally shrugged off as “motivation” to work harder, but it also can create a very unhealthy body image. Define your successes by what your best body is, not the body of someone else.

2. Steroids and harmful supplements offer a temptation to "cheat."

The reality is, many gay men will never look like the boys in the underwear ads, simply because of genetics. What is one man’s pinnacle of personal fitness can look quite different from another’s. But regardless of what a person’s peak level of fitness looks like, there is still one measure of the perfect body, which is why gay men are six times more likely to use steroids, unnecessary testosterone boosters, and other harmful supplements to cheat their genetics. And no matter how hard your trainer or your overmuscled friend may try to convince you, these supplements are bad for your body. The end. 

Are you gay and want to hook up with a straight friend? We has several gay tests, tips, tricks, and advice on how you can hook up with your guy! The percent of men who are 100% straight is incredibly low. Studies show that most heterosexual identifying men have had curiosities or fleeting fantasies of engaging in homosexual activities. Several just don’t know where to turn. Very often they fantasize about their friends, that one guy they know who’s ‘kind of cute’. There’s even been evidence that men give other men better sexual satisfaction based on the fact that they already know what they like and how it works. There’s never been more opportunity to take a chance with that friend you’ve had your eyes on for years and years.

Gay Test or Simple Observation?

Are you gay and looking to score with that straight friend? Fact is, straight men that have sex with other men is far more common than you think! You can take a gay test to try and determine if he fits the profile of someone likely to hit the sheets with you, but you might not need to after you’ve read this!

There is something exciting about being gay and hooking up with another man that identifies as straight. Somehow, you’re special. You’re that one man. He shared a moment, fulfilled a curiosity, enjoyed a fantasy with you and only you. It might be only once, or it might be on and off, but that one moment full of heat, and passion, and thrill is all it takes to make you want to come back for more. Even just thinking about it might be enough to drive you mad!

Heteroflexibility is when someone is, for the most part, straight and enjoys heterosexual sex but gets off on a fling or two with their gay pals. Not everyone wants to identify as gay and participate in gay culture, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to have some fun every once in awhile. Most straight men simply identify more with the straight culture and stereotypically straight activities. That doesn’t mean they are only attracted to women. Sexuality is so fluid these days its hard to know what ‘kind of straight’ your man is, or if he’s even straight at all.

Can you hook up with your straight friend? Absolutely! Can you hook up with straight guys that are looking for a little variety in their sex life? Totally! If you’re interested in your straight friend, maybe trying to find a man you aren’t close with first is a good step. Wait until you’ve experienced sex with a straight man before you try and approach your friend and ask him the big question. MANPLAY.COM can cater to you, whatever you need. There’s plenty of men that are looking to experiment out there waiting for you. Tones of straight men have gay fantasies. They just need the right guy!

If you’re the straight man who is looking for a little something, There are plenty of places where you will find you exactly what you’re looking for to give you the best experience. Experiment and feel the thrill of being with another man before you approach your gay friend. No strings attached. No awkwardness afterwards. No need to go through any gay tests. Just pain good fun.

Gay Test 1: Hey, Are You Gay?

Whoa, slow down there! Most guys talk about sex all the time, but if they aren’t explicitly comfortable about their own sexuality or sexual fantasies they might not ever stray from the heteronormative. Asking them, "Are you gay?” right off the bat might not be the best move. Your straight friend could very well have been wanting to experiment with you for years without you even knowing it!

Better than asking the question so explicitly, consider a more modest approach. When you go out, make some offhanded comments and ask a couple of vague questions about sex and sexuality. See what their reaction is. See if they’re comfortable with a brush of shoulders or a nudge. Assess their comfort level around you and around sexuality.

If you have a mutual gay friend, why not ask him ‘did you know he’s gay?’ and see what his reaction is. Test the waters. Find out whether homosexuality makes him uncomfortable or not.

Gay Test 2: Horseplay is Your Friend

Most guys are physical and sexual beings. They love to DO and EXPERIENCE. They enjoy getting out there, getting their hands dirty, tumbling around and goofing off. You can use this to your advantage. If your straight friend is one of these guys, suggest a cottage trip in the summer that’s jam packed with all sorts of activities. Fool around and have fun. Get a feel for his interest level or flexibility on the matter while you’re out there being messy. See how comfortable he is with you being close to him.

If you play sports, you probably know this already: guys roughhouse and ‘flirt’ with one another all the time. Push each other into lockers, slap one another with towels, and generally get physical and silly around one another. Use this to your advantage! If you play your cards right, you can plant that little seed of curiosity and cultivate it in good time. Then when the time strikes, you’ve got the answer you want to the big question. Want to experiment? Absolutely!

In the men’s toilets of most nightclubs, you’ll find a range of aftershaves, lollipops and chewing gum - more often than not, accompanied by a piece of advice: if you don’t have the right spray, “you won’t get your lay”.

In a gay club, the picture is similar, but turbo-charged.

Products. There are so many products. Hair spray, mousse, wet-look gel and powder promising that tousled surfer look. Often, the queue to wash your hands is endlessly drawn out by people preening in the mirror.

Body image is an issue for many men, regardless of sexuality. But it seems to be more of a problem in the gay community.

When it comes to appearance, gay men hold themselves - and one another - to far more exacting standards.

(Huey -David)

I spoke to a few men anonymously about this on Grindr. As one told me, “what’s seen as normal in straight men isn’t the same with gay men. “You can be ‘straight thin’, but ‘gay fat’.”

A leading gay lifestyle magazine, Attitude, has just published an entire issue dedicated to body image problems in the gay community.

In a recent survey by the magazine, 84% of respondents said they felt under intense pressure to have a good body. Only 1% considered themselves “very happy” with their appearance.

According to Attitude’s Editor-in-Chief, Matt Cain, “There is an epidemic of gay men taking shirtless selfies in the gym, desperate for affirmation.”

David Leveseque, a gay vlogger who recently posted a video on this topic, told me, “I’ve definitely had an unhealthy relationship with my own body in the past, and I think Matt Cain is right. Part of the obsession some gay men have with their appearance definitely comes from seeking validation.”

He said, “Gay people often don’t feel accepted. But, the thinking goes, if people think you’re good-looking, they like you. They look past your sexual orientation.”

Attitude’s former Editor, Matthew Todd, wrote about this in his book Straight Jacket: How to be Gay and Happy.

Todd argued that homosexuality is often accompanied by feelings of shame stemming from a lack of acceptance in society. Those feelings can lead to a lack of acceptance for ourselves, which leads to an unhealthy fixation with our appearance.

“Everyone experiences not liking how they look sometimes, but when you really don't like yourself then it will manifest as really not liking the way you look,” he writes.

In 2014, the International Journal of Eating Disorders found that gay or bisexual men were three times more likely than straight men to have body image issues.

It seems to be the other way around for women, with a 2013 study finding thatlesbian women reported less body dissatisfaction than heterosexual women.

I know, I know. You don’t have to sleep with anyone to know whom you’re attracted to, and, at least in many Western cultures, you can sleep with whomever you want and call yourself whatever you like. We’d be foolish to think, though, that judgment wasn’t placed on us by ourselves and others based on how we self-identify and how closely that aligns with our actual behaviors.

Where is the line between fantasy, desire, bedroom behavior, and identity, and who gets to draw it?

Even the most enlightened among us have probably placed judgment on someone at some point for not “owning up” to their preferences: the politician who keeps a coiffed trophy wife around to maintain his “electability status” but sleeps with same-sex prostitutes in secret; the straight guy who throws homophobic slurs but flirts with men when he’s had more than four beers; the straight housewife who fantasizes about scoring with the other soccer moms and was never in love with her husband. Less overt examples that seem to stir the pot include the self-identified bisexual who sleeps mostly with same-sex partners, and the woman who sleeps exclusively with men but wears more rainbow gear than the NYC pride parade and talks about gay rights like she’s part of the marginalized cohort.

Around dinner tables and happy-hour beers, under our breath and between the sheets with our lovers, we place pressure on ourselves and others to be “true” to whom we say we are - and we feel uneasy when the sum isn’t reflective of all the parts. There’s a visceral reaction many of us have, however right or wrong, when we see someone breaking the rules of engagement between sexual identity and behavior that we’ve come to know and play by.

Why Do We Care?

Is a gold-star lesbian a more “authentic” lesbian than one who’s slept with multiple men? Is a self-identified lesbian who has sex with more men than women an imposter? How many times can a self-proclaimed bisexual sleep with someone of the same sex before others start to whisper that his identity is being worn like a protective veil and that he’s gay and afraid to admit it?

Is sexual identity more about attraction or politics? What about the social, emotional, mental, and physical factors, and can any of these ever really be separated? What’s the difference between the labels you assign (or don’t) to yourself and how others perceive you? Are you “allowed” to get a share with the boys in Fire Island Pines if you’re straight? Are you “permitted” to keep a straight partner whom you’re not sexually attracted to in order to maintain an outward heterosexual lifestyle? And why does it bother us so much when someone seems to violate those rules we’ve all silently agreed on?

Sex is a part of human nature, and boy am I glad it is! You know I love me some good sex, but you might be surprised to know that sex is more than just a release of tension and a display of intimacy. Depending on your likes and preferences, it can be a pretty accurate description of who you are as a person. And let’s face it, we’re all pretty f**ked up so we might as well get f**ked down.

Aren’t you sick of vanilla sex? If you’re married, the last thing you want is to repeat the same moves over and over again like a broken record. Till death do us part, sure, but death might come a little faster than you expected unless you change it up from time to time. Deep down, sex is a mirror. It can reveal to us intimate things we might never have known about ourselves. So let’s talk about it!

1. Man On Top

Depending on whether you’re riding the bull or not says a lot about how you view the world. Do you believe in hard work or not? If you’re the one pulling up a sweat doing that power bottom thang you do, that’s some heavy devotion. But if you’re lying on your back, sure the view might be nice, but help a brother out from time to time! Are you used to having everything being handed to you on a silver platter? It’s clear where the balance of the relationship is. Don’t get me wrong, I love to ride my bull all night long – but I always expect to get something in return. My sweat don’t come free.

2. Missionary

There’s nothing wrong with playing by the rules, but are you letting it get in the way of taking chances? Are you always getting the same kind of drink when you go to a coffee shop? Are you always getting chicken when you go to a Chinese restaurant? Start taking risks. Sure missionary is a very intimate way of looking lovingly into the eyes of your partner, but hey, you already know what he looks like. It’s nice to let intimacy be the top priority in sex, but never let it become a barrier towards new discoveries. Chances are, you like to see the good things in life. Optimistic are you, eh? Well… be careful your optimism doesn’t turn into naivety.

3. Mirror Sex

You like to look at yourself not just to see if you’re doing it right, but also… you look damn good. Maybe you should be having sex with yourself then. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a bad thing at all. In fact I think it’s quite a turn on, but let’s face it, you want to see what your ass looks like when it’s spread eagle. You probably take it to other levels too like role play, dirty outfits and, dare I say, sex taping. You love to spend your paycheck on hair product and private training sessions, don’t ya? Nothing wrong with that, but make sure you don’t lose track of everything else. Like the guy you’re having sex with… remember him? Yeah.

I’m scared of bottoming

Most gay men will consider bottoming at some time. However, the thought of doing it for the first time can be scary. Don’t let that put you off.

You may prefer to douche before bottoming, especially if indulging in deep arse play like fisting or with large dicks/toys. Use plain, clean water, preferably at body temperature. Avoid using shower attachments - the water pressure can be dangerous. You can get douche bulbs online or from any good sex shop. Try not to go overboard and irritate the lining of your arse, as this can make you more vulnerable to STIs.

Get yourself relaxed with lots of foreplay like rimming or fingering. Some men do use amyl nitrate (poppers) to relax the muscles around their arse but there are two major health warnings. Poppers:
- Have been linked with an increased risk of HIV transmission.
- Don’t mix with erection drugs like Viagra and may cause a heart attack.

Deep breathing is far safer, helps you to relax and relaxes the arse too.

Find a position that suits the size, angle and curvature of your partner’s dick. Any position where your knees are bent and drawn into your chest, whether you are kneeling, lying on your back or on your side, will probably lead to more comfortable sex, or will be a good position to start from.

There’s no such thing as too much lube. It just makes everything more slippery, which isn’t a bad thing. Use water- or silicone-based lubricants if you're using latex condoms. Avoid any lube with nonoxynol-9. It irritates the lining of the arse, may make sex more painful and also increases your risk of HIV.

Look after your arse. You can't get a new one. So know your limits. With time you may be able to take larger objects but there's always a maximum size: about 4-5 inches diameter (the width of your pelvic opening).

How can I be a great top?

Take your time and listen to your partner. This is as much about the emotional as the physical side. If he’s nervous, he might want reassuring that you’re not going to hurt him and that he’s in control.

Find out what he likes. For some guys, topping is about being dominant (and some bottoms like that), but for others, it’s a two-way street. Ask him how he likes it. Listen to his reactions too. If he’s making noises that suggest he's in pain, ease up a bit.

The first time you top, you may be a little anxious. This may make your erection less hard than usual. Relax – you're both there to enjoy yourselves. If you have erection problems, concentrate on something else like kissing for a while. (If getting or staying hard is a regular problem, see our section on ED on page 6.)

Our advice above on lubes and position apply as much to tops as to bottoms. Lube is essential when topping. If you have a bigger than average cock, any position where the cheeks of his arse can provide a buffer to your length (like him lying face down) will be a good bet until he’s used to it.

Remember: It’s not only bottoms at risk of HIV. Tops are at risk too, although it’s statistically less likely. Anal mucus can carry high concentrations of HIV, and the membrane just inside the tip of your cock and the foreskin can absorb that directly into the bloodstream if you fuck a guy's arse without a condom. You know the solution. Rubber up.

Can gay men and women become heterosexual?

A controversial new study says yes - if they really want to. Critics, though, say the study's subjects may be deluding themselves and that the subject group was scientifically invalid because many of them were referred by anti-gay religious groups.

Dr. Robert Spitzer, a psychiatry professor at Columbia University, said he began his study as a skeptic - believing, as major mental health organizations do, that sexual orientation cannot be changed, and attempts to do so can even cause harm.

(illustrating image)

But Spitzer's study, which has not yet been published or reviewed, seems to indicate otherwise. Spitzer says he spoke to 143 men and 57 women who say they changed their orientation from gay to straight, and concluded that 66 percent of the men and 44 percent of women reached what he called good heterosexual functioning - a sustained, loving heterosexual relationship within the past year and getting enough emotional satisfaction to rate at least a seven on a 10-point scale.
He said those who changed their orientation had satisfying heterosexual sex at least monthly and never or rarely thought of someone of the same sex during intercourse.

He also found that 89 percent of men and 95 percent of women were bothered not at all or only slightly by unwanted homosexual feelings. However, only 11 percent of men and 37 percent of women reported a complete absence of homosexual indicators.

"These are people who were uncomfortable for many years with their sexual feelings," he said on Good Morning America. But they managed to change those feelings, he added.

The study reopens the debate over "reparative therapy," or treatment to change sexual preference. Spitzer argues that highly motivated gays can in fact change that preference - with a lot of effort.

New Study, Old Debate

But critics have challenged the study, even before it was formally unveiled at today's session of the American Psychiatric Association's annual meeting in New Orleans, which was jammed with television cameras reporting on the presentation.

Another study presented today even contradicted the finding. Ariel Shidlo and Michael Shroeder, two psychologists in private practice in New York City, found that of 215 homosexual subjects who received therapy to change their sexual orientation, the majority failed to do so.

A small subset reported feeling helped.

That study has also not been published or reviewed.

Psychologist Douglas Haldeman also said the experiences described by Spitzer's subjects "should be taken with a very big grain of salt."

The people in Spitzer's sample, he said, may be fooling themselves.

"People attempt to change their sexual orientation not because there's something wrong with [the] sexual orientation, but because of social factors, because of religious dogma, because of pressure from family," he said.

"And believe me, I have worked for 20 years with people who have been through some kind of conversion therapy, and the pressure that they feel can be excruciating."

Want to find the real love experts? Go to your nearest leather bar.

When a guy slides his hand in your ass, holding your body, guiding you through your fears and emotions, coaxing your hole to relax and open, something beautiful happens. You lock eyes, you sync, you take him in, and he’s fisting you. Fisting requires the basic tool kit of love: chemistry, communication, intimacy, trust. You need these to make any relationship work. In a good fist session, power dynamics disappear. You become equals, complicit in this rule-defying, animal act of pleasure. You take a leap with someone and trust them, at least a little bit, to be good to you. Fisting is one of many “alternative” sex practices (kinks) celebrated in the world of leather, rubber, and BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism). I started this dark, leathery journey a few years ago, seeking sex with sexy people. Along the way I found humbling and beautiful lessons in love, devotion, forgiveness, support, and care. Want to find the real love experts? Go to your nearest leather bar. Here are 15 lessons in love I learned from kink.

1. There’s no such thing as the “right” relationship. 

A common lie we’ve all been told at some point is that you have to find the “right” one - and that everyone you date until them are the “wrong” ones. Love is a not a hunt for someone to complete your life or make you whole. You’re already complete. Others come along and share time for a little while. That’s love. You share your story with them until it’s time to part ways. You’ll share it with more people in the future. Often we share it with many people simultaneously (polyamorous relationships, multiple lovers, great friends). Some of these people may teach you how to fuck well. Others may show you how to be a supportive partner. One may help you through your HIV diagnosis. Another may help you through a painful death. No one needs prominence. No one is “the one.” They’re all important. Kink is a community where complex, multiple-person relationships (pack relationships, leather families) may be seen as literal representations of this.

You might have a daddy in Dallas who comforts you, offers support, and gives you sweet, cuddly, furry sex. In addition to daddy, you have a sir in Seattle who trains you as a heavy BDSM submissive. You also have a cute life partner who wears glasses in your home city who loves wearing leather with you and cooking dinner with you and having threesomes with you and whatever guy you two decide to take home. You and your partner might share a submissive rubber pup who loves climbing in your sling to get his hole used. No one of these people is the “most important.” They each love different parts of you, and it works because you’re a complex creature with different tastes, different natures. No one relationship is the “right” one.

2. Slow down. 

BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism and masochism) can be scary when you don’t know what you’re doing. So can love. To newcomers, kinksters (kinky people) stress going slow, taking baby steps, building trust, and listening to people with more experience. How richer would our romances be if we all did the same?

3. People don’t belong to people. 

I like getting flogged, hate-fucked, spat on, degraded, tied up, group-used, and simulated rape, but when someone calls me “theirs,” I freak out. Kink is filled with labels that imply ownership. Daddies have boys, slaves have masters, subs have sirs, pups have handlers, and the list goes on. When I was getting started in BDSM, the labels bothered me. I hate possession. The minute someone talks about rules and exclusivity, I bolt. Then I realized why these roles exist. Some sex practices require skills that are best taught one-onone within the confines of a fetish relationship - where trust is developed, feedback given, and performance appraised. These roles serve real purposes: They arouse people, teach them how to enjoy the sex they want safely, and help us as a community preserve our kinks while sharing them with beginners. I’ve seen countless kinky relationships blossom over the last few years. Most have been very beautiful to witness. They’ve taught me something important: No matter what you call yourself, whether you’re a “slave” serving a “master” or a dominatrix training a rubber gimp, you’re always free to leave.

When the pleasure stops or the learning ends, there’s no need to stay. Yes, romantic connections do develop from dominant-submissive relationships (and many healthy romances include domsub play), but labels like “sir” and “boy” exist for pleasure and growth. You keep them as long as they feel good. Nonkinky marriages everywhere could benefit from this simple rule: If you aren’t happy, you don’t have to keep being “husband” or “wife.” Many nonkinky folks suffer for years in unhealthy relationships (with far fewer rules and restrictions than some BDSM pairings) never realizing this: If it’s no longer enjoyable, stop. It doesn’t matter what you call yourself or what’s stamped on a piece of paper if the joy is gone. People don’t belong to people.

4. There’s more to learn. 

You’re not an expert - in kink or love. There are bondage pros, master bootblacks, and aficionados of leather. But few kinksters claim to know everything because there’s always someone, somewhere, with another lesson to bring you, another experience that opens your eyes. Similarly, you may know everything about your partner, but at the end they are still a mystery to you, one you get to discover a little more every day.

5. People don’t stay in roles we assign them. 

My first sir called me “boy.” Then I discovered pup play and became a “pup.” As my interests have evolved and my skills advanced, “pup” is sloughing off. Who knows what I’ll be next? Learning new kinks and advancing your skills is an exciting process that often leads kinksters through different roles. This is also true in dating. All your experiences, good and bad, change how you define yourself and make you a different person from one relationship to the next or one one phase of life to another. That’s natural and healthy. But sometimes that can cause problems in a long-term relationship, since we tend to assign roles and see people we love a certain way, and we get scared when we wake up and realize they’re different. I once talked to a gay couple with 20-plus years behind them and asked what their secret was. One partner said, “I had to accept the fact that he was going to change. He wasn’t going to be the same man in five years as the man I met. I decided early on that I wanted him to be everything he needed to be, no matter what, even if that led him away from me.” It was one of the most beautiful definitions of a healthy relationship I’ve ever heard. People change. Love your partner enough to let them grow. 

According to a new comprehensive study, higher numbers of younger gay men are seeking monogamy than previous generations. Are younger queers just more boring?

Couple Blake Spears and Lanz Lowen decided to perform the study because of their own long-term relationship. “The catalyst for both studies was our experience as a long-term gay couple. We had been together in a non-monogamous relationship for 36 years and were curious about the experience of others,” Lowen told The Bay Area Reporter.

One of the study’s objectives is to “identify the prevalence and attitudes about monogamy and non-monogamy in the younger gay male population.”

The study consists of two parts: quantitative and qualitative. The quantitative part consists of 242 single gay men, 290 monogamous couples and 127 non-monogamous couples. The qualitative part contains verbatim comments from 161 monogamous couples, 16 non-monogamous couples, and 45 ‘monogamish’ couples. Participants in the study are all from Facebook or Grindr.

They conclude that because of greater visibility and achievements with marriage equality, gay men are conforming to mainstream norms.

“We concur with some of the comments we heard, that as younger gay men have the option of marriage and homosexuality becomes increasingly accepted, the traditional heterosexual model of monogamy and marriage become much more viable options. Younger gay men have the option of adopting to the norms of the heterosexual majority and becoming integrated into the mainstream in ways that weren’t possible before. In this study, we see them taking advantage of those options in large numbers.”

- Dating someone who’s older than you have a lot of advantages, and one of those is their experiences.
Aside from the experiences they have, they are also more mature and able to handle relationships better.
- A lot of people prefer to date someone who’s in the same age as them or younger because it means they will be able to grow together as a couple and individually.
Although it is indeed beautiful to be together while you’re both in the process of growing into a more mature adult, there are also a lot of advantages when you decide to date a guy who’s older than you.

To further discuss it, here are the eight reasons why older gay men make the best boyfriends:

1. He already knows what his place in the world is.

Usually, people who are in their young age tend to ask and wonder about their roles or their own place in this world. It happens to some, especially when they aren’t sure what they really want about a lot of things. They would only go with the flow and try to figure it out later when they get an idea.

However, if they decided to date an older man, their boyfriend will be the man who will help them identify what they are meant to do in their lives – the same thing as how they did it when they were the ones who experienced it. Furthermore, old gay men will even motivate them during those times as they already knew that a little uplifting can do a lot to a troubled person.

2. He already figured out who he really is.

When a person is on his early 20s to mid-20s, chances are they might experience some self-issues such as identity crisis or a quarter-life crisis perhaps, just like what the young people experience at times.

By choosing to open your door to an older man, he’ll know how to help you since he had already gone through a lot of things. Moreover, he wouldn’t doubt his gender one day because he already had figured out his personality and has fully embraced himself in different ways.

Plus, he could even share his knowledge with you!

3. He already has a better understanding.

Since he’s older, he had probably experienced a lot of different situations in a relationship like misunderstandings, petty fights and more. Once you decide to commit in a relationship with him, he’d already know how to handle these issues!

4. He’s better at s*x.

Nowadays, young people seemed to be interested in a quickie or a steamy action rather than making love.

Dating a man who’s older than you simply mean you’ll be a student. They say practice makes perfect; imagine how many times he had already practiced before meeting you. When the both of you decide to hit it off, you’ll be surprised with the techniques he knows and how much of an expert he is.

A recent client of mine came to a counseling session struggling with some sexual identity issues about the fact that he was gay but had fallen in love with a woman.

His proclivity was to view gay porn, and he had to hide his arousal when he snuck a peek at the muscled jocks at the gym who he found so enticing. Still, this young woman he’d established a friendship with had evolved into a romance, and he found himself fantasizing about a future with her, a vision that he felt was at odds with what he thought he knew his sexual orientation to be. He found her attractive, though perhaps the lustful feelings were not as potent as for men.

He ultimately decided to continue pursuing his relationship with her; he was able to be honest with her about his sexuality while finding ways to honor and express the gay side of his identity within the boundaries they set forth. Love trumped eroticism in this case.

There Are Tons of Examples of People Experiencing This Situation

In a different example, when discussing this topic with my boyfriend, he reminisced about having been in love with three different women during his 20s and early 30s before embracing his desire for a same-sex union.

When assessing the dynamics of this situation, he relayed to me that how for him, even though he had strong feelings for these women, he was more in love with the idea and illusion of being with a woman as a defense against his internalized homophobia and desire to have children while he was still reconciling with his coming-out process.

His mother ultimately helped him clarify this dilemma. He said she had asked him, “If you were in love with a woman and were in a permanent relationship with her, would you ever be tempted to cheat to be with a man? Conversely, if you were in a partnership with a man, would you ever be tempted to cheat to be with a woman?” For him, the answer became clear, and his scenario depicted more of a clarification of his coming out journey.

Then there are also those with true bisexual identities in which their erotic preferences are not dichotomous and they slant toward both genders. Love and attraction is not discriminatory here. Both the individual’s traits and physical attraction collide within any given gender.

Within the gay and bisexual communities, men are commonly labeled based on their preferred penetrative role during intercourse. Three major self-labels exist.
1. “Top” refers to a man who prefers the insertive position during intercourse.
2. “Bottom” refers to a man who prefers the receptive position during intercourse.
3. “Versatile” refers to a man who is willing to perform either position.

In Latin American countries, the terms “top,” “bottom,” and “versatile” are replaced by “active,” “passive,” and “versatilo.”

Recently, new labels “vers bottom” and “vers tops” have been added to describe men with less concrete preferences. “Vers bottom” means one who prefers being bottom but who takes the insertive role occasionally, and “vers tops” means one who prefers being top but who takes the receptive role occasionally. The addition of such labels suggests that sex-role preferences are fluid and may be influenced by individual, interpersonal, and/or sociocultural factors. In 2008, researchers studying proportions of self-labels amongst a sample of American gay men found 19% self-labeled as tops, 34% self-labeled as bottoms, and 47% self-labeled as versatiles.1 However, in 2011 a survey reporting on gay men in San Francisco found 37% self-labeled as tops, 21% self-labeled as bottoms, and 42% self-labeled as versatiles.

Researchers have found a strong correlation between sexual self-labels and actual sexual behaviors. There is substantial evidence indicating that self-identified tops engage in more insertive anal intercourse and that self-identified bottoms engage is more receptive intercourse. As one would expect, men identifying as tops reported experiencing greater pleasure from insertive intercourse, and men identifying as bottoms reported experiencing greater pleasure from receptive intercourse. Recent studies have replicated these results, finding that tops were more likely to engage in insertive anal intercourse, bottoms were more likely to engage in receptive anal intercourse, and that versatiles reported intermediate rates of both behaviors.

Psychosocial Implications

In heterosexual relationships, male female penetrative roles are believed to have developed evolutionarily in order to promote human reproduction. Typically, penetrative roles in heterosexual relationships are inflexible, and highly correlated with physiological and psychological expressions of gender. Much less is known about the penetrative roles homosexual men adopt during same-sex intercourse. What orients men to identify as a top, bottom, or versatile is poorly understood because there is scarce research on the topic; and, what little evidence does exist relies heavily on anecdotal evidence. However, a couple potential correlates of sex-roles have been proposed.

Dominance and Submissiveness

Dominance and submissiveness (i.e. power) have been suggested as potential correlates of penetrative roles. It is often assumed that self-identified tops are naturally more dominant than self-identified bottoms, and vice versa. Though this belief is pervasive in both the academic and cultural landscapes, research on the topic has wielded inconsistent results. Some researchers have found that tops report being more dominant and that bottoms report being more submissive, while others argue that these findings are inconsistent and are heavily dependent on the dynamics between sexual partners.

“I love the gays, but goddamn I don't understand why you guys are, like, so in your face about being gay. Like, what's with all the parades and the rainbow flags and exclusive clubs and making out in public and glitter-glitter-glitter?!”

An old co-worker once said this to me during a seemingly endless shift. We were selling makeup in a high-end luxury department store, and both of our feet were killing us because we were forced to squeeze our toes into three-inch pumps on a marble floor for eight hours a day. Physical pain has a way of making us say how we really feel.

I walked away from her and began reorganizing the lipsticks so they were color co-ordinated. Dark to light. Light to dark. Cream finish to satin finish. Satin finish to cream finish. I found myself magnetically drawn to the lipstick station every time I heard a bigoted comment that I wish I hadn't heard.

I organized the hell out of the lipsticks, but I never spoke up when I heard a homophobic comment. I wish I had, but I wasn't very outspoken at work because I felt like such an outsider there. It seemed like I was always in trouble. The beauty manager would stomp around the store praising people but then stop and berate me for a hair being out of place or my nose ring was “too punk” (his words, not mine) or my too-large statement earrings were “overwhelming” and “distracting” or my lace stockings were too “fashion-forward” and “alienating” to the client - blah blah. It conjured up old feelings of being the lesbian freak in high school.

Which is funny to even say, because it's totally connected to my co-worker's ignorant observations about why us gays are so wildly in your face about our gayness.

But lez back track, shall we, sweet kittens?

We gays held a lot in during high school. There was not one out gay kid in my high school. Yeah, the rumors flew and some of us were better at hiding it than others, but there wasn't a gay clique or anything. There was no safe place to be gay (there was no safe place to yourself).

I made the mistake of telling people I was bisexual (even though I was a total closet lesbian) and overnight, a whole group of blonde-haired plastics were afraid I was going to hit on them (don't they know I'm not even into blondes? Let alone, straight corn-fed blondes?).

Yeah, school wasn't exactly a warm place to be openly queer. Any homo relationships we had were either top secret or made up inside our heads. We observed our straight friends growing giddy and excitable over first kisses and while we faked it the best we could, it just wasn't the same. Gay girls kissed boys and gay boys kissed girls while fantasizing about “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” or whatever cutie the boys were dreaming about, I don't know, maybe James Van Der Beek or whoever else was hot at the time.

But we were robbed of those first magical kisses. You know the kind of kisses that change everything? The kind that make you question if maybe God is real. Don't get me wrong, I had my fair share of spine-tingling girl kisses as a teen, but it was never anything that could be seen in public. There is a very real thrill to kissing someone you love in public.

So while the rest of our peers were experiencing the wonder of their newfound sex drives in high school, we were busy repressing ours.

So when we finally came out into the big, bad world, it was so liberating it was intoxicating. Some of us were 24, some of us were 54, but whatever. We finally met people like us. We finally had a dating pool which, after years and years and years of having radio silence, was exhilarating. We were like little kids on a diet of Brussels sprouts suddenly left loose in a rainbow candy store.

A few weekends ago, a straight male friend and I were discussing the straight world's squeamishness about gay sex. I told him something I find myself saying a lot these days: hearing about sex that differs from the kind you have shouldn't be a traumatic experience and furthermore, such information is not a threat to your sexuality (a generation of gay guys who grew up watching depictions of sex through the hetero-male gaze of Cinemax can confirm this).

He was more or less on board. But he did express something like disdain for gay guys "who talk about gay sex like it's the best sex in the world-as though they are superlative!"

I understand why that's annoying (as expressions of superiority tend to be). I think everyone should think that he or she is having the absolute best sex possible. And yet, I am one of those people my friend was decrying. Belief in the implicit supremacy of man-on-man sex is the closest thing I have to faith.

The reason I believe this is simple: versatility.

Gay sexual roles are roughly divided into three categories, specifically pertaining to anal sex: tops (those who do the fucking or, speaking clinically, provide "insertive anal intercourse"), bottoms (those who get fucked or experience "receptive anal intercourse"), and versatiles (those who do both).

Every study I've read that asks men who sleep with men to self-label their role finds that the majority of respondents identify as versatile. This has also been true in my personal experience. It is, in my opinion, the way to be. It is the way to take advantage of the breadth of pleasure that you are offered as a man who sleeps with men.

Versatility, as the term is used here, is what sets gay sex apart from the rest of the world. We can debate differences and similarities between heteros and queers until all of us are wiped off the planet, but the objective fact is that men who sleep with me are the only kind of lovers who can both genitally penetrate and be penetrated without outside assistance like non-erogenous body parts (fingers, toes), sex toys, or a third partner. Variable mutual pleasure is our gift. That is our X-Men power.

And yet, it is so misunderstood. Every time you hear someone ask a gay man, "Who's the man? Who's the woman?" you are hearing from a person who just doesn't get it. More and more I've been feeling like even the question "Are you a top or a bottom?" is passé.

Versatility is about choice. While most of us queers would agree that same-sex attraction is an ineffable force, something that just is, versatility is a product of decision-making: what do you want for yourself, what do you want from the other guy(s), and how are you going to get it?

If you think of sexuality as a body you are born into, versatility is how you outfit it. It can change by the relationship, by the day, by the hour. It builds up and tears down notions of power associated with sexual roles, and through that arrives at an ambiguity that is honest and complicated.

For me, becoming versatile meant learning how to bottom. I am a simple man with a fondness for the obvious. Seeking sexual pleasure, then, has long meant seeking to get my dick wet. Anal sex was initially intimidating to me when I started having sex with men, and bottoming was even more intimidating. But curiosity kept creeping up on me, tempting me to try what makes many a guy's eyes roll back in his head uncontrollably, per a lot of porn that I've seen.

The first guy who ever fucked me I met via gay.com; I don't remember his name. He lived on the inland of South Jersey, so that's probably for the best. He was a terrible top. He knew that I was inexperienced, but told me that I just needed to relax to enjoy the experience. I felt the white heat of pain in my butt the entire time. That did not dissuade me from trying again. It did not keep me from embarking on a years-long quest of getting to the bottom of bottoming. An almost decade-long relationship in which I was almost always the top also didn't dissuade me.

In 2012, when I found myself single for the first time in almost a decade, I started to explore more. Bottoming remained a crapshoot (pun intended). It could be great; it could be massively painful; it could be uncomfortable enough to feel like a big waste of time.

In 2013, I went to a urologist because my cum was a weird consistency and I tested negative for all STDs. While he was examining my prostate, he asked me, "Has anyone ever told you that you're a real tight ass?" "Isn't that a good thing?" I joked back. No, he told me: I'd never enjoy the full extent of my sexuality if I didn't learn to relax, and furthermore that my cum issue could be related to my up-/tightness. Relaxing turned out to be an active process for me, something I had to, somewhat counter-intuitively, concentrate on. It's been worth it. (That doctor also recommended poppers to help me relax. He was a wild urologist.)

One of the greatest things about being versatile is that you are potentially sexually compatible with anyone. No holds-or holes-are barred. I've lost count of the amount of sexual encounters I had arranged to go one way (either via an app or in person) that ended up playing out another way once actually in bed. his has been particularly true on occasions when I had arranged to get fucked and ended up doing the fucking. I'd say I've topped in 75 percent of my casual encounters in the past two-and-a-half years. I was also in a relationship where I bottomed exclusively.

That's fine with me. I've never much related to the narrative that I've heard gay guys repeat too often: "Oh they're both tops/bottoms so it could never work out…" Versatility fosters flexibility-they come hand in hand.

Using a brain imaging technique, Swedish researchers have shown that homosexual and heterosexual men respond differently to two odors that may be involved in sexual arousal, and that the gay men respond in the same way as women.

The new research may open the way to studying human pheromones, as well as the biological basis of sexual preference. Pheromones, chemicals emitted by one individual to evoke some behavior in another of the same species, are known to govern sexual activity in animals, but experts differ as to what role, if any, they play in making humans sexually attractive to one another.

The new research, which supports the existence of human pheromones, is reported in today's issue of The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences by Dr. Ivanka Savic and colleagues at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm.

The two chemicals in the study were a testosterone derivative produced in men's sweat and an estrogen-like compound in women's urine, both of which have long been suspected of being pheromones.

Most odors cause specific smell-related regions of the human brain to light up when visualized by a form of brain imaging that tracks blood flow in the brain and therefore, by inference, sites where neurons are active. Several years ago, Dr. Savic and colleagues showed that the two chemicals activated the brain in a quite different way from ordinary scents.

The estrogen-like compound, though it activated the usual smell-related regions in women, lighted up the hypothalamus in men. This is a region in the central base of the brain that governs sexual behavior and, through its control of the pituitary gland lying just beneath it, the hormonal state of the body.

The male sweat chemical, on the other hand, did just the opposite; it activated mostly the hypothalamus in women and the smell-related regions in men. The two chemicals seemed to be leading a double life, playing the role of odor with one sex and of pheromone with another.

The Swedish researchers have now repeated the experiment but with the addition of gay men as a third group. The gay men responded to the two chemicals in the same way as did women, Dr. Savic reports, as if the hypothalamus's response is determined not by biological sex but by the owner's sexual orientation.

Dr. Savic said that she had also studied gay women, but that the data were "somewhat complicated" and not yet ready for publication.

The finding is similar to a report in 1991 by Dr. Simon LeVay that a small region of the hypothalamus is twice as large in straight men as in women or gay men. The brain scanning technique used by the Swedish researchers lacks the resolution to see the region studied by Dr. LeVay, which is a mere millimeter or so across. But both findings suggest that the hypothalamus is organized in a way related to sexual orientation.

The new finding, if confirmed, would break ground in two important directions, those of human pheromones and human sexuality.

I recently wrote a blog post about the music video for singer-songwriter Steve Grand’s song “All-American Boy,” in which a gay man falls in love with a straight man and they share a quick kiss. In that post I addressed why gay men might be attracted to straight men, but that question raises another: Why might a straight man be romantically or sexually attracted to other men? Why did the straight guy in the video kiss the gay guy back, after all?

The following scenario happens many times: A man comes into my office, referred by his own therapist and clutching coming-out literature that the therapist has given him. He explains that his therapist has tried, unsuccessfully, to help him come out as gay or bisexual, but even though he’s had sex with other men or gone to gay porn websites, he insists that he isn’t gay. He says that he isn’t homophobic either; if it turns out that he is indeed gay or bisexual, he’ll accept it and move on with his life, but the label just doesn’t feel right to him.

During the last three decades, in reaction to prejudiced and destructive anti-gay attitudes, we’ve seen the pendulum swing so far in the other direction that it’s now become almost a therapeutic credo, not to mention a requirement of political correctness, to assume that men who have sex with men are “in denial” and need help to recognize and accept their “true” homosexual orientation. In fact, neither extreme represents the experience of many men. The truth is that many men who have sex with men aren’t gay or even bisexual. Although their mental and emotional state resembles that of the initial stages of coming out, gay and bisexual men go on to develop a gay or a bisexual identity, whereas these men don’t.

When I write about straight men who are attracted to or having sex with other men, I receive numerous negative responses, mostly from gay men who have lived in the closet, convincing themselves that they were straight, and may have even had relationships or marriages with women. “You are keeping these men closeted and harming them!” they shout at me. But what these gay men don’t realize is that I am not talking about men like them. These gay men were suppressing an identity: a sexual and romantic identity of being gay. These are not the men I am addressing here.

In 2008 I started Straight Guise, a website and blog open to all who wish to read, post comments and have a dialogue about men who have sex with men. It explores the many reasons that men have sex with other men, only some of which have anything to do with homosexuality or bisexuality.

According to the World Health Organization, South Africa tends to be a very fat country indeed. It’s no wonder we’re becoming more and more infatuated with the fat acceptance movement.

Everyone knows our gay community worships youth and beauty (among other things) and we’ve all fallen victim to the trap on both sides at some point. Most of us fight desperately to get over it till the day we die. But there is another side to our community. A much wider and more accepting side, a side we hardly see, yet there are countless of guys who claim (and own) Chubby Chasing as part of their identity.

I admit it’s not exactly a politically correct term, but it’ll have to do for now. Depending on who you ask, you’re always going to get a new definition. Generally it refers to a man whose sexual attraction mainly lies on people with meat on their bones, and I mean lots. They like big people and for whatever reason, it’s at the top of their non-negotiable list when looking for a man on Grindr or searching for a life partner.

Having an attraction for big people is no different than a man who claims to like jocks, surfers, bikers or twinks. It’s what they’re attracted to, but what surprises me the most is how they’ve managed to surpass society’s standard message of beauty. As artificial and unrealistic as it may be, it’s damn near hard to dodge when we’re force fed it at an early age. In the gay community, there’s no escape from the message. Beauty is trained and shoved in our faces all our lives, so for a man to claim that he’s only interested in big people says a lot about where his heart and soul lie. It’s clear he’s been unspoiled by the artificial world. That, or he just doesn’t give a f**k what anyone thinks.

Like most other fantasies or fetishes, chubby chasing is often tied to an association of some sort. But there is a difference between fantasizing about “fat sex” and wanting to welcome intimacy with big people only. The former is tied to sex while the latter is associated by generalizations.

We usually know the kind of guys we’re attracted to from an early age, and more often than not it has to do with a link to our childhood experience. The environment in which we’ve lived in, the kind of people we were around, the guys who befriended us from the start, even bullied us, all might have an effect on the guys we’re drawn to throughout our lives. When you say you “only like black guys” or “only like tatted guys” or “only like fat guys,” you are generalizing a person based on past experiences.