Valentine's Day is a perfect holiday to spend at home, regardless of whether you're single, dating, or blissfully wed. Netflix and chilling is an ideal way to celebrate V Day; but are you in the mood to revel in the beauty of love or sneer at the hopelessness of relationships? Want to laugh at the horrors of dating or get out a cathartic cry? Here's your guide to the queer classics that will magically manipulate your emotions.

1. Weekend

This beautifully restrained film tells the story of two young gay British men who meet at a club, hook up, and fall in love over the course of an eventful weekend. One of the guys is introverted and half-closeted, while the other is brash, gregarious, and wears his sexuality on his sleeve; their worldviews complement each other and their chemistry is explosive. Through passionate conversations, many drug-fueled, they alternately challenge, confuse, and confound each other. It's a grown-up, no-holds-barred exploration of modern love between men, and even the sex is honest. Directed by Andrew Haigh, who's moved on to executive-produce HBO's Looking, the film well deserved its status as a critical darling.

2. Edge of Seventeen

Not to be confused with the Hailee Steinfeld starrer released in 2016, this ‘90s indie darling tossed it back to the mid-'80s with a story about an Ohio teen obsessed with New Wave culture — especially Annie Lennox and the Eurythmics. While working at an amusement park in the summer before college, Eric discovers he’s way more into his coworker Rod (Andersen Gabrych) than he is to his devoted girlfriend/best friend, Maggie (Tina Holmes). Luckily, his manager Angie (Lea DeLaria) is on hand to offer sage coming out advice.
 
3. Trick

A quintessential film for a generation of gay men, 1999’s Trick took a lighthearted look at the pleasures and pitfalls of one-night stands as Gabriel (Christian Campbell) and Mark (John Paul Pitoc) discover that hooking up in Manhattan isn’t as easy as it looks and romance can blossom at the most unexpected times.

4. The Broken Hearts Club

A heartwarming movie about gay friendship and the hunt for love, The Broken Hearts Club is hard to dislike. In the film, no one's relationship is perfect; many of the gay and bi characters struggle with commitment and fidelity, a universal theme for our community. By the end, you'll feel like all these guys will eventually figure it out.

5. The Boys in the Band

Mart Crowley's hit play became the first famous gay film ever. Vito Russo said of the movie, "The internalized guilt of eight gay men at a Manhattan birthday party formed the best and most potent argument for gay liberation ever offered in a popular art form." No, it wasn't representative of what gay life was like‚ but it was representative of what gay life was like for those alcoholic men, in that city, at that time. Crowley's quotable script was shocking, real, and hysterically funny. With Cliff Gorman, Leonard Frey, Kenneth Nelson, and Frederick Combs, and directed by William Friedkin (of Cruising fame). It's the perfect Valentine's day movie for those looking for bitchy quips to hurl around. 

Adam Fletcher, 35 said he wrote the tweet almost a dozen times but then stepped back from publishing it. ‘I’ve been scared to say it forever’.

A Californian man has seen his coming out tweet go viral.

Adam Fletcher, 35, of Orange County, works in the gaming industry. On 30 December he posted a tweet to reveal he is gay.

‘I’ve typed this tweet maybe 10+ times this year because I haven’t figured out a proper way of saying it…’ he began.

‘I’m gay.

‘I’ve been scared to say it forever, but damn does it feel good to say now!

‘Close friends and some co-workers know, but the general public doesn’t.’

‘Very conservative’ family

The original tweet has been liked over 23,000 times and prompted thousands of comments. Fletcher went on to explain why he’s previously struggled talking about his sexuality. And why he wanted to make it public.

‘Why am I saying this publicly now? It’s tough to say. I’ve had a ton of fear from friends and work to not say anything. Fear that friends would shun me. Fear that it would hold me back career wise as bad apples always exist on a tree.

‘And of course the fear of my family. Will I ever tell them? Time will tell.

‘Everyone has told me that they will understand but I know many don’t know them like I do. Right now, they are very conservative and I have a heavy fear of losing my family from my life.

‘I still love them despite not seeing eye to eye and I can’t have that empty spot in my life without them.

‘What made me okay with this saying now? The two things I feared… work and friends made me feel okay.

Support from friends and work

‘I have a close group of friends that have been incredibly supportive,’ he says. ‘These wonderful people have given me more confidence and support. I’ve been able to lean against them through this when family wasn’t an option.’

Last January, Fletcher took on the role of esports product manager with Blizzard Entertainment.

‘As for work… I’ve been employed at some very great companies but Blizzard is another level,’ he goes on to say.

‘Blizzard and the culture of the company is super open and welcoming that I feel I can actually be me. It’s great and I’m thankful for it. Blizzard and the people there are amazing.

‘So here I am. I’m sure people will be against it, but it feels good to just say it.

‘I am gay. And now I’m damn happy.

‘Sorry if you’re against it.

‘Thanks for those that are supportive.
‘And for those who may be in the same situation…

‘Things really do get better.’

We’ve all dated men knowing we’re too good for them. Most of us love the feeling of having a boyfriend so much that we sacrifice our own dignity. It’s difficult to admit that we might be better than our partner. Doing so might make us feel arrogant or cocky, but the truth of the matter is there are certain people who are only meant to remind of us what’s missing. Perhaps it’s time to reconsider the compatibility with your man. Here are a few signs:

1. You Dumb Down Conversations

There’s nothing worse than being with a man who isn’t on your intellectual level. When you find yourself constantly having to dumb down important points of conversation you’re almost always going to max out your patience. Eventually you’ll see that it’s not just him. His entire universe (friends, family, coworkers) seem to live in another world and stooping down to their level is exhausting. You deserve more.

2. He Constantly Needs Encouragement

You’re not meant to be his life coach, but rather his partner in crime. No one wants to date a Debbie Downer, especially one who’s become independent on your advice, false hope and encouragement. A little goes a long way but when it turns into the basis of your entire relationship, you’re in for a worser fate down the road. You’re stable. He’s not. Eventually the imbalance will affect your own infrastructure.

3. Inconsideration Of Time

A man who’s always late or makes every opportunity about himself is clearly not considering the time you have together. Not only is this rude, but it’s also a sign of an unhealthy ego. Dating a man who values his time over anyone else is never going to welcome a fair and balanced relationship, especially when you’re putting in more effort.

4. He Can’t Take A Joke

A man who takes himself too seriously is consciously closing himself off. Not only will this result in you consistently having to walk on eggshells around him, but it’s also a springboard towards a controlling atmosphere. You like to laugh and enjoy life while he is too comfortable filtering out the world. It’s clear you have higher potential at contentment and satisfaction with the people around you. Don’t let him steal it away.

5. He Lacks Curiosity

A major part of living life to the fullest is curiosity. Without it, it’s nearly impossible to want to push the boundaries of our own situations. If he’s never mentioned the places he wants to do, the people he wants to meet, the goals he’s set for himself, things he’s always wanted to experience, he’s probably not going to add anything interesting to your life except sex. No one wants to date a man who’s taking up all your oxygen.

6. Your Friends Don’t Like Him Very Much

Friends see what you never do. Being in a relationship can build up blinders to enormous red flags you might not have noticed otherwise. The people closest to you are able to see compatibility much more easier than you are since they’re going based on what they see rather than how you feel. If they don’t like him, chances are, it’s not going to end well.

7. You’re Paying For EVERYTHING!

He doesn’t know how to pay his bills or keep a job so, chances are, you’re the one forking up the bill. There comes a time when you leave boyhood and enter manhood, and here in good old Man Land, we switch off who pays for what. For him to constantly be in need of your credit card shows exactly how he views the relationship. Don’t make it a habit – you’re too good for that.

This week on Falling for Angels, Here TV’s neighborhood-specific anthology series exploring the diversity of gay life in Los Angeles: Aging gays! Bed death! Non-judgmental treatment of sex work! Truvada for PrEP! High-earning gays’ relationship ennui in fussily decorated Bel Air one-levels!

I kid, of course. This week’s episode is another chamber piece with just enough plot for a 21-minute story about two gay men who have it all: a great house, great friends, careers, long-term commitment-except they’ve “fallen out of sex,” as the episode puts it. So it often goes in a long-term relationship.

(The latest episode of Falling for Angels eschews the usual stories of the young.)

The episode opens with Chase (Jason London of Dazed and Confused) and Bentley (Kevin Spiritus) really in their element, throwing a successful little birthday get-together. Both are wearing those soft-colored, vertically striped dress shirts that are basically the uniform for classy middle-aged gays. I’ll assume that the friends of Dorothy at the party are always this demonstrative, but even the hets in attendance are behaving en pointe for this spirited little gathering. Nobody does parties better than us. Everyone, of course, has a glass of champagne in hand. There’s a blazing fire.

“This beautiful man makes every day of my life, no matter what I’m going through and what is happening, brighter and better than I could have ever imagined,” Bentley toasts the birthday boy. We have no reason to doubt it.

The first half is cut, however, with anxious, sterile black-and-white shots of a hand placing pills on a plate and fingers fidgeting with wedding rings. Falling for Angels never has time for much nuance. “Bel Air” is a vignette and knows it.

“I wanted to show a long-time married couple in their most quiet personal state,” says writer–director David Millbern, an alumnus of the Actors Studio and Northwestern who is himself around the age of his leads. After the guests leave, the two have an easy, not-unpleasant scene in bed together, but it’s practically all business. Chase has an early flight, so they, with their flannel pajamas and matching sleep blindfolds, set an alarm, give a quick peck and turn out the lights. They settle in with their backs facing each other.

There’s no more inane question to me than one of the most frequently uttered in the gay community than, "Are you a top or a bottom?"

I literally can’t tell you the intense negative visceral reaction that it causes.

Technically I am top.

And by that I mean I have never been fucked in the ass.

This is not to say the notion hasn’t occurred to me. I think early on in dating life, my “top” status was driven mostly by my intense phobia of acquiring HIV more than anything.

Also putting things in your butt hurts the first few times for the most part.

My first boyfriend and I dated, on and off, for over eight years.

In that time we consummated (i.e. fucked) maybe a handful of times. People give me weird looks when I tell them that, and I guess for a lot of people for whom fucking is the end and all and be all (or at least a good 90 percent) of sex, that makes sense.

Ryan and I were best friends first and foremost, and we’re both truly versatile in all senses of the word - I think. A lot of our sexual experiences revolved around our adolescent- or college-aged fantasies (we both had played NCAA sports in college) and was definitely more mental than anything else. Our intense friendship which begat the relationship, and physical similarities, added to an intense attraction and love that stays with me to this day.

That’s to say, our sex life involved a lot of dirty talk, foreplay, porn, and jockstraps.

And ecstasy.

It was the '90s after all.

Also if ever there was a time I was going to bottom, it would have been with him.

But alas, unlike Goldie Locks, we couldn't find "just right" and he proved too big for what I was comfortable with.

My next two relationships I was the top in, and involved more fucking, but also led to what I thought was a funny sort of role play in my own life.

I often wore my hat backwards, I was athletic, I was outwardly “straight” acting. I was also very loudly out, but I found myself often playing a version of me that wasn’t an act per se, just a certain combination of actual elements of myself that interacted with the person I was talking to’s perception of me seamlessly.

I remember once going to the Lure, which was a legendary leather club in New York City’s meatpacking district. Every Wednesday, they had an “open” night called ‘Pork’ that allowed the non-diehard leather, Chelsea, and East Village gay boys to dip their toe in the fetish laden bar.

My memories of nights at the Lure are highly titillating, yet at the time, they required copious amount of beer drinking to get to the point I felt even vaguely comfortable talking to, let alone participating in anything with, some of the guys. But one interaction has always indelibly remained in my mind.

This hot guy wearing a leather harness and other superhot accoutrements came up to me, a self-identified “top,” when I was just buzzed enough to make eye contact, and not knowing the proper etiquette of my surroundings, I simply nodded “S’up” (wearing a backwards baseball cap, navy blue Del the Funky Homosapien hoodie, baggy jeans, and Adidas) to which he replied “Get over here boy and get on your knees.”

But do you want to get married?

You might think that young gay men are all about the single life and dating apps.

But it turns out that polyamory and open relationships are not the dream, it’s monogamy.

Researchers have found surprising new relationship trends among gay men aged 18 to 39.

Lanz Lowen and Blake Spears, a non-monogamous couple for 36 years, looked into the experience of other same-sex couples.

The pair says: ‘There wasn’t any roadmap and we assumed long-term couples might offer valuable perspectives and hard-earned lessons.’

They surveyed a range of men, both single and in relationships. 42% of the respondents were single, the other 58% in relationships.

Of those in relationships, 632 identified as monogamous, 152 identified as ‘monogamish’, and 48 identified as non-monagamous.

92% of young gay men want to get married

If you're in a relationship, are you monogamous?

MonogamousMonogam-ishOpen relationshipSingle/Prefer Not To Answer

The study found 92% wanted to get married one day. 90% stated they were seeking monogamous relationships.

Half of the men identified as being in long-term monogamous relationships.

Previous studies have found two-thirds of couples who have been together for five years or more are in an open relationship.

But however, more younger men are seeking monogamy.

Are you in a gay relationship right now? Do you feel like you’re losing yourself in your current relationship? Or are you so persistent on that person that you have forgotten your own life? Are you thinking why the spark seems to be gone? If you feel all these, you may be losing yourself. And you have to deal with it.

We want to provide you 11 steps to not lose yourself in your relationship. We want your relationship to last and for you to be happy.

Knowing how to not lose yourself in a relationship could be relatively hard from the start. After all, when you get into a relationship, the thing that comes into your mind is that you and your partner are now one, sharing one bedroom, sharing one house, etc. However, if you know that you are losing yourself in the process and it is becoming even more destructive, you need to start finding yourself again.

Below are the top eleven tips on how to not lose yourself and create a relationship that is more endearing and everlasting.

1. Keep Your Interest In Life

The very first thing that you have to do is ensure that you keep all your interest in life that you had or the activities you did before your partner arrived. If your partner doesn’t want to go hiking, it does not mean that you need to quit as well. Call your co-workers or your close friends and hang out every so often, it will provide him a reason to go out with his buddies. Many believe that the answer to being in a rapport isn’t pursuing anything which their dearest love doesn’t. This is wrong. You must still have a life of friends that you had before the relationship. You need continuity in your life and to abruptly stop is to lose interest in your own individual life.

2. Prioritize Sex

When knowing “how not to lose yourself “in a relationship, sometimes you turn out to be aloof with your partner. You can even set off ignoring sex and the whole thing that sex has to give because your not introducing what you need in bed to your partner. Well, the answer to this is to give emphasis to sex and you must definitely prioritize sex. It is being mutually compatible and both working towards each others’ satisfaction; suffice to say I am sure you wouldn’t appreciate the other party “faking it” or anything along those lines and would want them to be open and direct in terms of what they like and don’t like and then working towards something that leaves both of you happy overall. Simply put, if they’re happy then you may be, but it must be mutual and you should expect the same level of courtesy. Your partner must be involved in assisting you to keep your own individuality so communicate your sexual needs .

3. Communicate

Open or frequent communication with the partner is considered one of the things to consider if you do not want to lose yourself if you are in a relationship. Your partner will have your back always. Let him know about your feeling and he will surely understand that, because he loves you. Both of you are on a journey of discovery and both of you should communicate on where the relationship is going.

4. Do Not Lose Yourself

Simply because you are in a relationship does not mean that you need to forget about the whole thing that you love. In a relationship, it is so easy to get over-involved with talking about bills, your relationship and ordinary things in life, however you also need to time to talk about your feelings, your day, yourself and your life as a whole. Your partner must also be capable to perform the same.

"You must Love yourself first than any relationship is a plus but not a must."

5. Don’t Assume

You cannot assume that your partner is not feeling precisely similar way as yours. Your partner can be feeling like slipping away too, or your relationship is on sold footing and that is the reason why frequent communication must be on your mind. Always remember that you are in this as one and you must help one another.

6. Don’t Ignore the Presence of Your Partner

In many relationships, it only seems to take place naturally wherein one partner takes advantage of his or her partner. You have to ensure that you’re showing how bless you are for coming into his life, if you do this no doubt he will also do the same thing. It’s a perfect means to keep the relationship strong as well as for you to stay your personality. Also, do not get stuck in roles, for example, where you do all the cooking and he does all the grocery shopping. Change it up a little so both of you appreciate what both are giving to the relationship. It will not become stagnant.

I’m not a club-goer and I prefer to do anything else than go to a noisy bar or gay club where you feel like you have to look or act a certain way. I’ve never felt comfortable or like I could be myself which is why I understand you and thousands of other gay men like us don’t like being in “the scene.”

Having full acceptance that you’re not into the gay scene is a huge step to take and I’m here to tell you, welcome to the real party! In my opinion, it’s sooooo much better here.

Now let me give you some practical advice on where you can meet quality gay guys outside the club.

Most of us resort to dating apps like Grindr, Scruff, OkCupid or Manhunt, all with the hopes of connecting with our community or meeting the love of our life. Just like gay clubs, this is a way to meet other gay men - but it’s not the only way.

These apps typically attract guys just looking to hook up. These apps can be a community in their own nature, but they can leave you feeling rejected and lonely - especially when a hookup or encounter doesn’t turn into a meaningful friendship.

You actually don’t have to make friends in the gay community in order to feel fulfilled and satisfied. You don’t have to go to nightclubs or create a dating profile when you’re feeling lonely, bored or horny. You don’t have to put yourself in environments that make you feel uncomfortable. If you do, then you’re doing yourself a disservice and causing harm toward your mental hygiene which is the way you keep your mind and your emotions clean and spiffy.

Just like we need to stay hygienic with our physical bodies by brushing our teeth, taking showers and exercising, it’s equally as important to place ourselves in healthy environments that support our happiness and social well-being.

In order to make friends outside the gay scene, you gotta answer this one question: “What are your values?”

Do you value health? Do you value education? Do you value giving back to communities through volunteerism or entrepreneurship?

When you identify your values, then you can pick and choose communities that align with your values. There are plenty of activities that align with your values in your new city like hiking, yoga, video game clubs, book clubs, art studios, and seminars at local colleges and universities.

As I think back on the past 24 years of providing couples counseling for gay male relationships, I sometimes get asked what the differences are that I see (in general) in gay male relationships that are (again, in general), different from straight relationships.

I offer these thoughts to both single and coupled gay men, based on my perspective of what I’ve seen through the years. My experiences and observations as a gay men’s specialist psychotherapist might differ from other gay men, and even other gay male therapists, and we always have to be mindful of not indulging in unfair assumptions, stereotypes, or even prejudices. But since making a relationship work (which I define, in part, as the relationship’s level of satisfaction for each partner and in its overall longevity and subjective “quality” for each partner) is at least in part based on a skills-building process, skills that I believe are required for a gay male relationship to both endure (quantity) and thrive (quality). These are the issues that come up repeatedly in couples counseling sessions: 

1. Money 

Gay male couples can have a lot of conflict around money. Statistically, white men tend to be relatively high earners. The sexism that women only earn a portion of what men earn, for the same work, extends to both gay men and straight men. It’s hard to find a gay male couple where issues of competition don’t come up, whether regarding physical appearance, social influence, or income. When money issues arise in gay male relationships, I believe it’s because all American men (and elsewhere) are still, even in our oh-so-modern times, expected to the “breadwinners.” White men, especially of middle class or higher socio-economic status, are socialized to “getting their way,” enjoying a social privilege (whether they want it or not) among all demographics. Gay men of color face a dual challenge in managing social reactions and pressures from being both gay and people of color, and also gender expectations. There are many potential pressures to face and overcome. Straight men face a lot of social pressure, still, to earn more than their wives. Conversely, a straight man who earns less than his wife can feel humiliated, jealous, or dejected (from both women and other men), all from society’s strong and ubiquitous messages of what it expects from men – it’s not even up for discussion or conscious awareness; it just “is.” So when two gay men form a relationship, issues of each partner competing to be the breadwinner often arise. It’s like some kind of pissing contest. There can also be an irony that the older, higher-earning partner can be the sexual bottom role in the relationship, and it’s in the bedroom where issues of power, control, and dominance can be “played with,” reversed, or expressed. In every gay male relationship, there is overt power, and there is covert or “passive-aggressive” power. How these dynamics are expressed, and the conflicts that can result, are often the impetus for entering couples therapy.

The gay men that I work with are often from mixed cultures or different nationalities. I’m not sure why this is; I really don’t think it’s because gay male couples “have more problems” than straight couples, or even that cross-cultural gay couples can’t get by without couples therapy. Maybe it’s that the cultural differences add an extra layer of challenge that can be a source of conflict. But it also adds an extra layer of mystery, excitement, exoticism, and fun. But along with cultural differences, such as language, food, spirituality, traditions, and habits, can be cultural differences about money. So, in couples therapy, differences and conflicts that arise about money issues on the surface are really differences in culture, even just differences in “family culture” in the family of origin, even if both partners are the same nationality/ethnicity.

Couples therapy helping a gay couple resolve conflicts about money often involves my helping the partners to understand that this is not a competition, or that one partner must dominate or be declared the “winner.” Rather, it’s about helping the men understand that their household is not two “I” that live under the same roof; it’s about forming a “we.” Forming a “we,” where each partner is a 50/50 stakeholder in the relationship, can be hard for men, because in general men are taught to “control” and “dominate” from the time we are little boys in ways that they don’t even realize that they’re doing it (Don’t believe me? Just ask a scholar in feminist studies if that statement is true.)

Unlike straight couples, who (up until relatively recently) had the monopoly on legal recognition of their relationships (before domestic partnerships and marriage equality laws), gay men were treated by the law as two unrelated individuals under one roof, especially for legal and tax purposes. Straight married couples are socialized to “blend” their money more readily, and they have their parents’ example and subtle heterosexist behavioral modeling to follow (from everything from feature films, to television, to commercials). They are more likely to have joint bank accounts, joint tax filing, and automatic rights of survivorship on everything from 401-ks to Social Security survivor benefits – and they have for generations. Gay men are socialized to think more individually, and the idea of “blending” their two individual incomes into one “household income” once they are coupled is a kind of mental and emotional hurdle that only softens with increased time and trust.

Couples therapy can involve brainstorming, identifying, evaluating, and implementing specific money management plans in the household so that both partners feel like they are making an equal contribution, even if there is a vast difference between Partner A and Partner B’s incomes.

2.Sex

Gay male couples tend to approach sex differently. We all know that gay male couples are much more likely to entertain the idea of, or even be in, a non-monogamous relationship. Part of this is cultural and historical; part of this is the nature of men’s sexuality in general (hey, truth be told, MANY more straight men would be non-monogamous if given the opportunity by their wives, as I have learned from working with straight men in my practice, and some (just like gay men) take that prerogative even if it’s directly violating a monogamy agreement). Gay men are much more likely, in general, to only “not” be appalled at the idea of another person (man) having sex with their partner/spouse, but to be turned on by it. Gay men have a greater capacity (in general) for “sport sex,” and less about foreplay; they can separate sex from love more easily. Without a woman’s particular sexual makeup in the equation, it changes the sexual equation. You really can’t directly compare a straight couple’s sex life with a gay male couple’s sex life. Some things just don’t “translate” culturally, physically, socially, emotionally, etc. So, part of my job in couples counseling is to help gay men understand this, and to avoid making direct comparisons to straight relationships all the time (some of the time is OK, particularly in confronting double-standards and internalized homophobia). Part of my expertise as a gay men’s specialist therapist is to understand the special cultural considerations of gay men, by this point in my life and career, in extreme detail of “cultural competency” of psychotherapeutic/clinical social work practice. By validating to a gay male couple that their sex life must be discussed not only “apart” of any heteronormative expectations, but also independently of even OTHER gay male relationships they might know of, the couple can be reassured that the decisions and practices they make are unique and customized to them. There is no one proper “cookie-cutter” sex life for gay male couples that fits all.

While this is also true for straight couples, issues of monogamy, frequency, type of sex, the “vanilla-versus-kink” spectrum, BDSM, and even time management discussions differ. While this is not necessarily unique to gay men, a big factor can be finding time for sex, when often both partners are busy, high-level executives or professionals who work extraordinarily long hours or have jobs that require frequent travel. 

Fathers and Gay Sons: A Complicated, Vitally Important Relationship.

Fathers in many families are mysterious, distant, intimidating figures-even more so for boys with homosexual attractions. They are the family torchbearers of manliness, and, as males young and old know, homosexuality is considered the dreaded opposite of masculinity. According to Michael Kimmel, a sociologist and expert on male sex roles, men demonstrate their masculinity by repudiating all that is feminine and demonstrating an ever-ready willingness to engage in sexual intercourse with women whenever the opportunity arises-in a nutshell, to prove they are not gay. To be gay is to be powerless, weak, unable to break free from Mommy, and these characteristics are incompatible with real manliness.

Initially, the assertion that homophobia plays center stage in men's masculine self-concept may seem rather extreme. However, go to places where men and boys congregate such as schoolyards, sports fields, fraternity houses, and locker rooms in this country and you will hear taunts such as "You're a sissy!" "That's so gay." "Hey cocksucker!" or "Wow, you really got fucked in the ass on that play!" Sex between males is seen as an act of violence and domination rather than an expression of love, affection, or mutual pleasure, and this mocking, whether it is done playfully or with hostile intent, is meant to degrade a man by deriding his manliness. A boy growing into a gay man will get the message loud and clear that he is weak, dirty, and, perhaps worst of all, less than a man. Thus it is no wonder that the boys in the study for my book: Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child (http://www.comingoutcominghome.com), recalled being so reactive and fearful of the responses of their fathers-the very people who were expecting them to receive and carry the torch of masculinity.

As this eighteen-year-old young man recalled:

My father has always been very physical. He liked competitive sports and he played football. He was always pushing me to be on the football team or to do this or that. The kind of things I had absolutely no interest in doing at all, and I don't know how tied up that is in sexuality, but I certainly felt like I had something I needed to keep hidden from him.

Rico, a twenty-two-year-old Latino man who worked in a bookstore, described how his father's derision, perhaps fueled by suspicion, made him fearful:

He would call gay people names and stuff. Just saying that he didn't agree with it and thought it was wrong and all that stuff. . . . Yes, and he didn't want me to become that . . . One time I had just dyed my hair. I was eighteen, nineteen. I dyed it red. And he said: "Don't be a girl, you fag!" or something like that.

Rico, whose parents were long-divorced, perceived these admonitions as a threat, which is why at the time of his interview he had yet to come out to his father.

When Jay was asked if his emerging sexual orientation played any role in his relationship with his father, he replied:

Yes. I think I was taking out my frustrations with all of the straight jocks at school . . . that he was this mister normal guy that had the normal family, the normal house and the normal job and normal, normal, normal. And I don't know . . . he was an easy target, too, because he wasn't always here and when he was here I could attack him.

Exclusive: A new book by Eric Rosswood explores the questions, answers and other issues involved with being a gay parent.

As all gay dads know, parenthood comes with ups and downs. It will bring you indescribable joy but will also draw upon all your emotional strength.

LGBTI parents face their own challenges. Some of those faced by gay dads are explored in the excellent new book, The Ultimate Guide for Gay Dads, by Eric Rosswood.

Rosswood wrote the book partly from his own experiences of being a parent. He also believes a book aimed directly at gay dads was needed.

‘For example, you won’t find information on how to hold a baby and get the perfect nipple latch during breast-feeding,’ he says. ‘Instead, the book compares donor breast milk and formula to help gay dads decide which is right for their baby.’

(Husbands Mat and Eric with son Connor)

Besides covering childcare, there’s also a section on the awkward questions gay dads sometimes get asked. And advice on how they deal with them. Below are just a few, with some words from Rosswood.

"How much did she cost?"

‘The most awkward question (in the beginning at least) was, “How much did she cost?” At first we just laughed uncomfortably and changed the subject, but two years in we tend to say, “As much as a Prius.”

‘That turns the table on who’s uncomfortable. Who really asks how much a human being costs?’ – Chad Scanlon

"Which one of you is her daddy?"

‘Before our daughter could talk, we would often get, “She is so precious, which one of you is her daddy?”

‘We would then begin this eloquent and awkward dialogue of saying, “We both are,” multiple times until we finally got the tilted head stare. We refer to this as the “dog- whistle look.” You whistle, and a dog will tilt its head.’ – Trey Darnell

"Who is the sperm donor?"

‘The awkward question that we get most frequently is about the genetic relationship we have with our children. Again, we understand it is a natural curiosity, so we try not to be offended by the question.

‘We have two sets of twins and both are mixed-race Asian and Caucasian, so it becomes a bit of a guessing game trying to figure out which half of the interracial gay couple is biologically related to each of these kids.

‘Once, when our older children were still babies, we went out to lunch and the waitress asked us almost immediately after introducing herself, “Who is the sperm donor?”

‘We were so shocked with her forward approach that I frankly don’t recall if we responded with an order for the avocado egg rolls appetizer or our standard response.

‘We usually tell people that we keep that detail private because we want to be treated equally as parents to all our kids. The waitress’ gay coworker overheard the exchange and was so mortified. He came to our rescue and took over our table for her.’ – David Hu

Life is all about development, evolution and progression, and as we go through this maturation process, there are often typical stages we experience as we continue to grow.

For example, you will likely recall you went through certain stages and phases of identity development as you came out to yourself as a gay man and started to come to terms with your sexuality.

Here is an article about the well-known “Cass Homosexual Identity Development” model that details this process.

Well, relationships are the same way

In much the same way that as individuals we grow and develop, so do our relationships.

When you start dating someone and work toward a long-term partnership, there is a common developmental trajectory you will likely follow.

There are a variety of stage models that attempt to explain intimate relationship development, though the great majority are descriptive of heterosexual love.

While there are many similarities in the qualities and characteristics of relationships with our heterosexual counterparts, gay/lesbian relationships also have some unique differences and challenges that may not necessarily follow some of these other relationship theories.

Alas, there is one such model that speaks to gay male pairings!

In 1984, David P. McWhirter and Andrew M. Mattison published “The Male Couple: How Relationships Develop.”

The authors conducted a research study over the course of five years in which they interviewed 156 male couples in loving relationships lasting anywhere from one to 37 years.

Their intent was to discover how male couples function in everyday life in terms of domestics, finances, sexuality and relationship issues.

What actually emerged from the study was a groundbreaking discovery that regardless of the differences between men, their relationships pass through typical developmental stages in the same way individuals grow and develop.

McWhirter and Mattison share their research findings in this book and identify six separate developmental stages gay male couples go through that’s essential for the growth and healthy maturation of their relationship.

“Each stage can become a building block to subsequent phases.”

The six stages are labeled as:

1. “Blending” in year one.
2. “Nesting” in years two and three.
3. “Maintaining” in years four and five.
4. “Building” in years six through 10.
5. “Releasing” in years 11 through 20.
6. “Renewing” in years 20 and beyond.

McWhirter and Mattison describe the various characteristics that are reminiscent of each of the stages, which also can become building blocks and bridges toward passage to subsequent phases and can identify other influences and possible crises or challenges that are common.

These oftentimes are inherent in the growing pains necessary for the development and health of the relationship and the partners within the system as well. Here is an article that details these stages.

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I’ve had an influx of emails in my inbox recently from gay men expressing their struggles with perfectionism, depression and feelings of loneliness for being old in a youth-centric gay culture.

Putting sexuality aside for a split second, these are pretty shitty struggles to face. It pains me to know that this is the reality that many gay men face. When I read stories of men coming out in their 50s after being married to women for years, and guys in their 20s who have been rejected by their parents for being gay, it doesn’t come as a shock to me that we collectively hate ourselves for our shortcomings and insecurities.

Do we hate ourselves because we’re gay? Or do we hate ourselves because of the way we’ve been treated, the choices we’ve made or the circumstances we’ve faced? I argue it’s one or a combination of these claims.

Self hatred is a bitch. When we don’t feel adequate or good enough because we know we’re gay, our realities become heavy and burdensome. Unfortunately, most of us never had positive gay role models and we never got the education we needed to fully accept and love ourselves unconditionally.

Being gay is something we can’t change. It’s a circumstance we can come to accept or keep running from in a never ending game of denial. Life is much better when we accept it, but it doesn’t mean that the process of acceptance is easy. Acceptance means that we see reality for what it is, not what we want or expect it to be. That means if we feel the desire to kiss, love and have sex with another man, we honor that with our whole entire being. We don’t allow ourselves to miss out on the opportunities that our hearts and souls drive us toward.

I was sick and tired of hating myself several years after I came out of the closet, so I did everything I could to reduce the feelings of guilt, shame and loneliness. That’s when I immersed myself in studying mindfulness, self care and positive psychology. From these studies, I learned how to reverse self hatred and love myself unconditionally. These are some of the lessons that you can use immediately to reverse any lingering feelings of self hatred:

1. Believe that people are good. 

We have a choice in what we think and choose to believe. Do you believe that people are genuinely good or genuinely bad? Freud wanted us to believe the latter, but positive psychologists encourage us to believe that the former is true. One of my professors in college always said, “You won the sperm race! The thousands of other sperm lost. You beat then and you won the race. You’re a winner.” It’s true. Believe that you’re a good person because you really are. Once you believe this, you’re entire perspective can change.

It was a humid evening in Indiana and the first night of a five-day national Boy Scout conference. I was sitting at a large table at the local bar surrounded by friends I hadn’t seen in at least a year. We spent most of the night catching each other up on our lives and reminiscing about our common Scouting memories. Although I gladly shared my life’s news with the company, I was also dwelling on a more personal mission I had that week.

I got up from the table, walked over to the back, and sat down with one of my closest friends. After a few minutes, and a few more beers, I mustered up the courage to say, “So, I’m gay, and I’ve been out of the closet for two years.”

In my experience, Scouting hadn’t been an unsafe place for people to be out. In my early years I’d never heard of a boy being removed from my local council because of their sexuality. Later when I served on the national level, I knew several LGBTQ Scouts, both in and out of the closet.

Ryan (second from the left) at a conference with Mike (far right) and some other Scouting friends.

So this conversation went rather smoothly. “Oh really? I had heard a rumor before,” he told me. “That was expected,” I thought.

He and I spent the rest of the evening discussing the things which I had been brooding on: The state of the LGBTQ community today, being out in the Boy Scouts, and my place in this web of complexities.

Breaking Away From The Norm

In our conversation that night, we talked about the notion that being gay and being straight should carry equal weight in conversation and in our daily lives. This struck close to home for me, because in my own coming-out process I grappled with this issue, and I ultimately came to a very different conclusion.

We assume, to nobody’s fault, that each person we meet is straight-it’s just a matter of probability-so when we strike up a conversation with a new person we often use this assumption. LGBTQ folks have to place extra weight on their sexuality every day when they bring it up in conversation to change somebody’s assumption. This adds to the heap of societal pressures already placed on LGBTQ folks. Accepting, navigating, and overcoming this challenge, without blaming society for our struggle, is taxing.

It’s true that I had never seen direct discrimination because of a Scout’s sexuality, but the climate our anti-gay membership policy fostered for years did not lend for an easy path out, and complicated things once you were out. So many people, fearful over one thing or another, either remained in the closet during their Scouting life, or tip-toed around with a cat’s precision. As Alex Call and Dwayne Fontenette describe in their stories about growing up as gay Scouts, there is still so much work to be done to build a safe environment for LGBTQ Scouts today.

So at this conference and in my general life, it became my mission to toe the line between this freedom to discuss me being gay in conversation and not forcing acceptance upon those not immediately accepting.

“Until our quest for world domination turns at least half the global population gay, we have to accept that our sexuality is unequal,” I quipped later in our conversation. I left that night having gained what I’d hoped for: a closer friendship and another trusted confidant.

In general, people have a tendency to shy away from things that are different or not completely understood. Fear and prejudice are usually two elements that accompany a lack of understanding. It's evident in the complex issue of sexuality all over the world, but especially here in America.

The reality is that there are some things in life that you truly have to experience in order to grasp the full scope. Being a member of the LGBT community is one of those things. When you yourself aren't living the experience, the next best mind opener is to witness someone close to you go through them.

Fortunately, my life presented me with those opportunities early on. My parents basically had two sets of children and there's a huge age gap between my oldest siblings and me, which lead to me having several nieces and nephews so close in age that we were raised like brothers and sisters instead of me being recognized as their uncle.

My eldest nephew, in particular, is a month older than I. Being just a month apart, we naturally built a strong bond basically from birth. Life has taken us in different directions and we don't communicate much these days, but there are some things that being around my nephew taught me that I will never forget.

From the very moment that I could remember, there was something different about by nephew. The most obvious moment was when my unofficial first kiss was with another guy. I'm a heterosexual male, but yeah, my nephew kissed me when we were kids.

The breakup was terrible. I cheated on him and lied about it for months. I finally told him the truth, answering his oft-repeated inquiries about my infidelity with a final, fateful “Yes.” Yet we remained locked in a toxic back-and-forth, shouting insults at each other for another month.

Late one night, in a parking lot, after spending an angry hour on the phone, I made a decision that was an act of mercy for both of us: I decided never to speak to him again. And I didn’t - that is, until my phone buzzed with a text message from a name I never expected to see on my screen again: “Do you want to get coffee?”

I did. I needed to tell him I was sorry; he needed to tell me how much I hurt him. We both needed to hug. Since that day, I’ve reflected on the lessons the relationship taught me, and what I learned from him because he was bisexual.

1. Bisexual people are not predisposed to infidelity.

I was the cheater - not him. Sure, he may have technically had more options than me. He was drawn to men and women, while I was only drawn to men, but that didn’t make him any more promiscuous or untrustworthy than the next guy. Far from it. In fact, he was unbearably monogamous and loyal to a fault. This led to his heartache, since he was trying to date me: a gay guy who’s not monogamously inclined, a guy who was too immature at the time to say, “Hey, I’m not really looking for a relationship.”

There remains this bizarre notion that someone who is attracted to multiple genders will inevitably miss having sex with people of the gender they’re not currently sleeping with and will therefore cheat. Even if a bisexual person cheats, it’s hardly evidence that bisexuality leads a person to infidelity­ - no more than my cheating is evidence that homosexuality makes homosexuals cheat. At most, it’s evidence that the cheater is not presently cut out for monogamous dating.

2. Bisexuality is real.

Yes, he truly was attracted to both men and women. His claim to bisexuality wasn’t a transitional phase or halfway point between straight and gay.

I understand where this misconception comes from. Many gay guys (myself included) claim to be bisexual as our first “baby step” out of the closet. We’re too scared to swing the door all the way open with a fabulous “We’re here!”

Unfortunately for my ex, and other bisexual men and women, those of us who use a bisexual identity as a “halfway house” contribute to the widespread negative notion that anyone who identifies as bi is actually a flimsy, half-hearted gay man or lesbian. It’s one reason why so many bisexuals - my ex included - feel excluded from the LGBT movement.

Let’s acknowledge the real blame lies with queers like me who didn’t fully come out in the beginning. Our temporary claims of bisexuality damage the credibility - and the dating field - of those whose bisexuality is far from temporary.

Let me start off by saying I’m a huge believer in love, but sadly there are countless of gay men who are losing their optimism. With so many unhealthy voices, it’s becoming the “cool” thing to diss love. This is where I put my foot down.

Most of the excuses we use one way or another has to do with personal experiences. But there comes a time where we need to separate our experiences from reality. Not everything is as it seems in our heads. The reasons why we’re falling out of love with love has seldom to do with truth and all to do with self-convincing. 

Here are just a few:

1. Gay Men Want to Be Single or Have a Husband

I can’t tell you how many of my gay friends are searching for husbands now that marriage equality is progressing further into other states. Too many of us are trying to skip over the “boyfriend” phase and go directly into the “husband” stage. So much so that within the first week of starting a relationship, we start treating each other like we’ve been married for twenty years instead of relishing the beginning stages. This is the time where you ought to have fun rather than settle down, but most of us want the family more than the man. We rush too quickly and often times are disappointed when our boyfriend isn’t on the same page so we’ve give up hope.

2. Cynicism is Becoming Part of the Gay Culture

It seems like each year, gay men are becoming less supportive of not only their own efforts, but the world’s as a whole. Nothing is ever good enough. No matter how many dates we go on, something always has to be wrong with either the guy, the restaurant, the food, the place, etc. Deep down, we’re always looking for an excuse to prove ourselves by showing how “better” we are or how much we know the answers to life’s biggest problems. It’s become easy for us to judge rather than to accept which makes us depend on unrealistic standards. The sad result is to view affection as inconsistent and a waste of time. A standard cynical mindset.

3. Gay Men Have Serious Trust Issues

There are so many ways of putting ourselves out there. Grindr, OkCupid and other dating sites have made it easier to find love. That’s great! But for many guys who pull themselves short, they know how easy it is to shift your attention from one man to another with ease. I’ve known plenty of guys who hook up with numerous men on Grindr and by the time they find a boyfriend, they’ve lost their ability to trust him since they know how easy it is to cheat or find a random encounter. Let’s face it. For gay guys, it’s easy as hell to find a one night stand. The amount of guys looking for sex is astronomical so the only way of building trust in a relationship is to find it within ourselves first. If you can’t trust your own urgings, it will be much harder to depend on someone else.

4. Same-sex Family Planning is Complicated

It’s easy to hear our straight friends say “Oh I can’t wait to have a family” or “We’re trying to get pregnant” or “I can’t miss my birth control. I don’t want to have any surprises!” For gay guys who dream of having children, a husband, and the picket fence, it’s hard to understand that for us, it’s a million times more difficult. So much so that I’ve seen plenty of gay men give up on their dreams. It’s a sad truth that starting a family is much harder for us than our straight counterparts, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

5. Lack of Effort in Finding Gay Role-models

As someone who’s parents were divorced, I know how hard it is to find a good example of a healthy relationship to draw from. Often times our parents become the baseline to judge our own boyfriends. Finding healthy gayrelationships can be just as difficult, especially when much of the world has certain misconceptions about how same sex relationships ought to be. There are fine examples in the world if you just find them, and I can guarantee they all share similar qualities. Love, trust, and devotion. Stop relying on bad examples as the end all-be all to how every relationship eventually turns out. Every couple has their ups and downs, but the good ones never take their downs personally, but rather a challenge to overcome. Start looking at how the good ones treat each other and use them as inspiration.