Are you in a gay relationship right now? Do you feel like you’re losing yourself in your current relationship? Or are you so persistent on that person that you have forgotten your own life? Are you thinking why the spark seems to be gone? If you feel all these, you may be losing yourself. And you have to deal with it.

We want to provide you 11 steps to not lose yourself in your relationship. We want your relationship to last and for you to be happy.

Knowing how to not lose yourself in a relationship could be relatively hard from the start. After all, when you get into a relationship, the thing that comes into your mind is that you and your partner are now one, sharing one bedroom, sharing one house, etc. However, if you know that you are losing yourself in the process and it is becoming even more destructive, you need to start finding yourself again.

Below are the top eleven tips on how to not lose yourself and create a relationship that is more endearing and everlasting.

1. Keep Your Interest In Life

The very first thing that you have to do is ensure that you keep all your interest in life that you had or the activities you did before your partner arrived. If your partner doesn’t want to go hiking, it does not mean that you need to quit as well. Call your co-workers or your close friends and hang out every so often, it will provide him a reason to go out with his buddies. Many believe that the answer to being in a rapport isn’t pursuing anything which their dearest love doesn’t. This is wrong. You must still have a life of friends that you had before the relationship. You need continuity in your life and to abruptly stop is to lose interest in your own individual life.

2. Prioritize Sex

When knowing “how not to lose yourself “in a relationship, sometimes you turn out to be aloof with your partner. You can even set off ignoring sex and the whole thing that sex has to give because your not introducing what you need in bed to your partner. Well, the answer to this is to give emphasis to sex and you must definitely prioritize sex. It is being mutually compatible and both working towards each others’ satisfaction; suffice to say I am sure you wouldn’t appreciate the other party “faking it” or anything along those lines and would want them to be open and direct in terms of what they like and don’t like and then working towards something that leaves both of you happy overall. Simply put, if they’re happy then you may be, but it must be mutual and you should expect the same level of courtesy. Your partner must be involved in assisting you to keep your own individuality so communicate your sexual needs .

3. Communicate

Open or frequent communication with the partner is considered one of the things to consider if you do not want to lose yourself if you are in a relationship. Your partner will have your back always. Let him know about your feeling and he will surely understand that, because he loves you. Both of you are on a journey of discovery and both of you should communicate on where the relationship is going.

4. Do Not Lose Yourself

Simply because you are in a relationship does not mean that you need to forget about the whole thing that you love. In a relationship, it is so easy to get over-involved with talking about bills, your relationship and ordinary things in life, however you also need to time to talk about your feelings, your day, yourself and your life as a whole. Your partner must also be capable to perform the same.

"You must Love yourself first than any relationship is a plus but not a must."

5. Don’t Assume

You cannot assume that your partner is not feeling precisely similar way as yours. Your partner can be feeling like slipping away too, or your relationship is on sold footing and that is the reason why frequent communication must be on your mind. Always remember that you are in this as one and you must help one another.

6. Don’t Ignore the Presence of Your Partner

In many relationships, it only seems to take place naturally wherein one partner takes advantage of his or her partner. You have to ensure that you’re showing how bless you are for coming into his life, if you do this no doubt he will also do the same thing. It’s a perfect means to keep the relationship strong as well as for you to stay your personality. Also, do not get stuck in roles, for example, where you do all the cooking and he does all the grocery shopping. Change it up a little so both of you appreciate what both are giving to the relationship. It will not become stagnant.

The marriage issue preoccupied activists in 2017 but it’s unclear whether that campaigning power can be harnessed for issues such as trans and intersex rights.

Easier gender changes on birth certificates. Preventing unnecessary surgery on intersex children. Gender education in schools and LGBTI acceptance in aged care.

These are just some of the LGBTI causes raised as priorities by Australian community leaders and activists keen to keep the ball rolling after the passage of marriage equality legislation.

A fact often lost in the postal survey debate is that marriage equality is not the be-all and end-all for queer people, for the simple reason that many are opposite-sex attracted and could already marry – particularly people who are bisexual, trans or intersex.

But now one of the last forms of discrimination before the law of gay and lesbian Australians has been lifted it remains to be seen if there’s enough solidarity to bank the win and move on to the next fight.

Anna Brown, the Equality Campaign co-chair, played a pivotal role in the marriage equality campaign and says it’s now time to refocus on trans and intersex rights and gender diversity issues.

“It’s only appropriate given how much these groups were targeted by the no campaign,” she says. “As a movement we have a responsibility to stand by them and make sure they’re not left behind … to amplify their voices.”

Whether it was the Coalition for Marriage’s ads about gender education or Cory Bernardi criticising a charity day allowing boys to wear dresses, much of the opposition to marriage equality had little to do with homosexuality. Brown suggests trans and gender diverse people were “collateral damage” in the campaign.

The executive director of Transgender Victoria, Sally Goldner, says the no campaign displayed “gross prejudice by implying there is something wrong with gender diversity when, of course, it just is [diverse]”.

Brown, the director of advocacy at the Human Rights Law Centre, is on a mission to remove “every last stain of discrimination” from the statute books.

She cites overturning the ban on same-sex adoption in the Northern Territory and access to assisted reproductive technology in Western Australia and the NT as the next cabs off the rank.

One change that is directly related to marriage is forced trans divorce. All states and territories except South Australia and the Australian Capital Territory require trans people to get divorced before they can change their gender on their birth certificates.

For people including the Greens’ LGBTI spokeswoman, Janet Rice, and her wife, Penny, the laws create an agonising choice between preserving one’s marriage or officially changing gender.

Penny will wait for the law to change before changing her gender, but Rice says legislation of marriage equality is already having a normalising effect for them.

“Penny and I have gone from being one of the very few same-sex couples legally married to being joined by thousands of others who had overseas marriages,” she says.

Although marriage equality is a big step forward for gay and lesbian Australians in particular, many of the issues affecting the trans and intersex community have little to do with saying “I do”.

Goldner represents trans and bisexual communities and points to the urgent need to flatten out disparities in mental health for these groups.

She says trans people and bisexual women “are more likely to be homeless and on the receiving end of domestic violence”.

She adds the need to make it easier to change gender on birth certificates, noting that only the ACT and SA allow changes without gender reassignment surgery.

That means in six states and territories children can’t change their birth certificate, even with parental consent.

The family court has allowed children to undergo stage-two hormone treatmentwithout going to court, with parental and doctors’ consent, but Goldner says adults still face “huge out-of-pocket costs” to transition gender.

“That’s often something that stops people living life as their authentic self,” she says.

The trans activist Kate Doak identifies the mental health needs of trans youth as the priority, citing the high rate of attempted suicide by trans children.

“Any form of program which responsibly prevents bullying, reduces instances of anxiety and depression needs to be the focus,” she says.

Rice says the Greens will be particularly focused on “removing prejudice against trans people”, citing the need to ensure equality in spheres such as sport and education. She says initiatives such as the anti-bullying program Safe Schools are “exactly the sort of program to end a culture of bullying and discrimination”.

Morgan Carpenter, the executive co-director of Organisation Intersex International Australia, says the key demand for the intersex community is for a prohibition of deferrable medical interventions, including surgery and hormone treatments, that alter the sex characteristics of infants and children without their consent.

“Many of us have experienced medical interventions to make our bodies appear more typically female or male, without our informed consent,” Carpenter says. “We know that such practices remain routine in Australian hospitals.”

"We need to talk," he texted completely out of the blue.

‘Lol it sounds like you’re about to break up with me,’ I jokingly replied.

‘Well, James – I don’t know what to say.’

I was stunned. He asked me to meet him at one of our favorite date spots by the river and we sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity.

‘Feelings have changed,’ he finally spluttered out.

This gay guy was dumped on Christmas Eve (Image: supplied)

Literally a few days before, we had been ice skating at a special Christmas rink in the centre of the city in Sydney, laughing as we picked up loose ice and playfully throwing it at each other.

And now here we were. Awkwardly hugging and faithlessly reassuring each other we’ll still be friends.

But why did he do it?

‘Feelings have changed.’ That’s all he said and that’s all I remember repeating to myself in disbelief as I drove home alone. I kept trying to piece together what happened, but I just felt completely blindsided.

When I got home, I slumped onto my bed and sobbed. It was the first time I had been broken up with and it hurt like hell.

The next morning, I woke up on Christmas Day and the festive spirit seemed drained out of my body with every tear I cried the night before.

Family delicately skirted around the empty place mat during Christmas lunch but no one said a word about it. Progressively, the sadness grew into anger at how sudden the whole break up seemed.

And to this day, I still don’t know exactly why he did it.

Imagine the perfect morning. You get up early, eat breakfast, shower long and luxuriously, put on a killer outfit, and head out into the world. On the train, a stranger says you look beautiful. You smile and thank them. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

Now imagine the worst morning. You oversleep, stub your toe, and, without a minute to shower, have to rub down your nasty bits with a baby wipe. You’re upset, smelly, puffy, cranky, hungry, limping, riding the metro in silence while wearing yesterday’s pants. And then, someone says you look beautiful.

Are you charmed? Or are you pissed that this stranger has such a blatant disregard for the way you feel about your own body that he or she feels entitled to lie to your face just to prove a point?

I’m not an idiot. I know when I’m beautiful and when I am gross. Trying to tip the scales of my self-image equilibrium is, frankly, insulting. For that reason, I will politely and firmly request that the body positive movement never interact with me again.

Let me be clear: I’m sure the body positive movement is hugely important to a ton of people. And I will own up to the fact that there have been times that the movement has said things that really helped me. All I’m saying is that I find the movement patronizing, and that-in my life at least-it causes a lot more stress than it relieves.

Growing up without any exposure to the body positive movement, I had no choice but to create my own defenses. It was a lot of work learning how to survive in a culture as toxic as the one gay men create. Somehow I figured it out, though, and I’m proud of myself for the work I put in.

So when I’m in the Greyhound station bathroom and there’s a post-it saying "You Are Beautiful" blocking my reflection in the mirror, you can understand why I might find it glib.

I don’t care if I’m beautiful right now! I’m late for my damn bus!

On Thursday, the Australian parliament finally passed marriage equality into law. I, like many other hopefuls, watched the live stream within the House of Representatives for hours. When the moment came, the public gallery erupting into chorus: “I am, you are, we are Australian.”
For the first time in a very long time, I felt pride in my country. In this moment, it could be easy for many to forget the pain that my community was subjected to over the past months. But, now that marriage equality is now a reality, it’s time to begin mending some wounds.

Yesterday’s result follows the non-binding $122 million, voluntary survey that swept across the entire nation, asking every Australian citizen to vote as to whether they thought same-sex couples deserved the some recognition as their straight counterparts.

(Same-sex marriage is a necessary first step in mending the wounds of the past.)

This was obviously problematic from the outset for a number of reasons. The nature of this survey meant that my government was willing to hoist an already-marginalised group into the spotlight and onto a pedestal for the rest of the country to point at and judge. The non-binding nature of survey also meant that, even if a yes vote came through, this still wouldn’t mean that gay marriage would be legal.

LGBTQ Australians subsequently had to deal with a lot of hostility throughout this period-the ‘no’ campaigns in particular was grounded on ignorance and propaganda. Conservative associations such as Marriage Alliance and Coalition for Marriage adopted fear tactics. “Stop the fags” posters began to appear, some rumoured to have spikes attached to the back of them as to harm those trying to tear the posters down. Anti-marriage equality advertisements were given air time; “school told my son he could wear a dress next year if he felt like it,” a mother said in one commercial, accompanied by fearful background music, which, for the record, even if that was true, what an absolutely beautiful school that would be.

Watching this wave of ignorance made me scared, but I wasn’t scared for myself. In all honesty, I found most of this rather humorous. I’m fortunate to be comfortable in myself, to know what’s just and unjust, and to have an incredible support system that lifts me up.

I’m not a club-goer and I prefer to do anything else than go to a noisy bar or gay club where you feel like you have to look or act a certain way. I’ve never felt comfortable or like I could be myself which is why I understand you and thousands of other gay men like us don’t like being in “the scene.”

Having full acceptance that you’re not into the gay scene is a huge step to take and I’m here to tell you, welcome to the real party! In my opinion, it’s sooooo much better here.

Now let me give you some practical advice on where you can meet quality gay guys outside the club.

Most of us resort to dating apps like Grindr, Scruff, OkCupid or Manhunt, all with the hopes of connecting with our community or meeting the love of our life. Just like gay clubs, this is a way to meet other gay men - but it’s not the only way.

These apps typically attract guys just looking to hook up. These apps can be a community in their own nature, but they can leave you feeling rejected and lonely - especially when a hookup or encounter doesn’t turn into a meaningful friendship.

You actually don’t have to make friends in the gay community in order to feel fulfilled and satisfied. You don’t have to go to nightclubs or create a dating profile when you’re feeling lonely, bored or horny. You don’t have to put yourself in environments that make you feel uncomfortable. If you do, then you’re doing yourself a disservice and causing harm toward your mental hygiene which is the way you keep your mind and your emotions clean and spiffy.

Just like we need to stay hygienic with our physical bodies by brushing our teeth, taking showers and exercising, it’s equally as important to place ourselves in healthy environments that support our happiness and social well-being.

In order to make friends outside the gay scene, you gotta answer this one question: “What are your values?”

Do you value health? Do you value education? Do you value giving back to communities through volunteerism or entrepreneurship?

When you identify your values, then you can pick and choose communities that align with your values. There are plenty of activities that align with your values in your new city like hiking, yoga, video game clubs, book clubs, art studios, and seminars at local colleges and universities.

Topher Gen on the importance of making sex education inclusive for everyone – irrespective of sexuality.

‘Who can tell me what these are?’

Our teacher held a box out in front of us, shaking it vigorously.

‘Anyone?’

He left the question open to the class, his words hanging in the air.

We all knew what he was holding; it was a box of condoms, yet we sat anxiously clutching our desks. A minute later a boy yelled, ‘Rubber johnnies!’ and the class lapsed into fits of laughter whilst the teacher marched him out of the room.

Teachers had to be tough or they’d get walked all over – teens pounce on weakness. Asking a 14-year-old to stop chewing gum in class was one thing; asking them if they knew what a condom was quite another.

(Topher Gen says kids deserve better sex education at school )

Ignoring LGBTI sex issues

As our first sex education class went underway I had two thoughts. The first was I’d rather be made to box at gunpoint than sit through this class. The second: why is our teacher not just skimming over the LGBT side of it, but ignoring it all together?

I felt my back stiffen every time the mechanics of sex between a man and women were discussed. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with: just don’t rub it in my face.

But what I was more confused about was why they weren’t covering the guy-on-guy, or girl-on-girl side of it?

Why was everything done by gender? Why was the teacher using such sickening cutesy-poo language? This wasn’t educating me in the slightest.

Fast-forward a decade and LGBTI-inclusive sex and relationship education isn’t yet compulsory in British schools. What’s more, sex education not only excludes LGBTI-youth, but can also promote prejudice against them.

Sex education classes currently leave LGBTI youth vulnerable

High schools can be hostile environments, particularly for LGBTI youth. This hostility can often be amplified by lack of awareness and education on same-sex relationships.

Without properly exposing teens to LGBTI-inclusive sex education classes, we run the risk of spreading ignorance, perpetuating negative stereotypes and leaving LGBTI youth vulnerable.

Right now, puberty is typically addressed in public schools by mundanely separating the genders, telling girls and boys what will happen to their bodies as they begin to grow up. But, what if you aren’t cisgender? What if you don’t identify to the sex you were born?

By excluding vital pieces of information transgender teens won’t properly learn what puberty will look for them and, more importantly, how to handle it.

Body parts do not have genders, so hearing them talked about in a way that associates them with a gender they don’t identify with can not only be upsetting, but can lead to serious health issues – both mental and psychical.

Education on puberty specifically talks about males having a penis and women a vagina. How jarring is that for a trans youth?

If they already feel uncomfortable in their own body, then that kind of language can be extremely detrimental. You don’t have a male arm or a female leg: they’re just body parts.

Adrian and Clai just want their relationship to be recognized everywhere in Europe, regardless of borders.

A same-sex couple has taken the European Union to court this week in a rare grand chamber case calling for their relationship to be recognized – regardless of borders.

15 judges in the Court of the Justice of the European Union (CJEU) are now interpreting the word ‘spouse,’ in the context of EU freedom of movement laws.

Adrian Coman and Clai Hamilton are the couple at the center of this groundbreaking case. Ultimately, it is about getting recognition for their Belgian marriage, in Adrian’s home country of Romania.

‘The Romanian government refused to consider a residence in Romania for my husband Clai in 2013,’ Adrain tells Gay Star News. ‘So a positive decision would mean Clai can live in Romania with me.’

Specifically, the Court will clarify whether the definition of spouses includes same-sex couples.

The result of this would mean same-sex spouses have equal rights to reside in any EU member states.

The impact of the decision would change the right to same-sex spouses in five countries who don’t already give same-sex couples this right.

Poland, Bulgaria, Slovakia, Lithuania, and Latvia would have to recognize gay couples freedom of movement rights.

What will this mean for couples like Clai and Adrian in the EU?

Their legal struggle for this recognition of being a family has now been going on for over five years.

Adrian tells GSN without a change in the law Clai can only travel to Romania for three months, on the basis of his American passport.

‘Simply put, once Clai and I are in Romania, regardless of purpose we become strangers to each other in the eyes of the Romanian government.’

This can create difficult situations for gay couples in official scenarios like in healthcare. Adrian calls this discrimination based on sexual orientation:

‘When we are in Romania, if something happens to one of us, the other one won’t be “family” in the eyes of health authorities, banks etc. Therefore, our family life won’t be recognized by the state.’

One day the couple would like to move to Romania. But that decision for now, is in the hands of the courts.

Never underestimate the power of your story. It could change the world.

Growing up in Ohio, Raymond Braun wasn’t exposed to a wide LGBTQ community. Thanks to the power of technology, he was able to tap into the lives of others by watching their stories online. That inspired him to spearhead his own venture, which has led him to become one of the most successful gay Millennial media personalities.

Out magazine recently called Braun “one of the preeminent queer activists of his generation.” He topped Financial Times’s 2016 list of Top 50 Future LGBT Leaders, and was named to 2014’s Forbes 30 Under 30 list. As Logo’s inaugural political correspondent, he helped to establish the TV network’s election coverage.

One of the world’s leading social media influencers, Raymond Braun uses his following for good.

Braun founded his own consulting firm, RWB Media, which is focused on LGBT consumers and social outreach and counts several Fortune 500 companies and nonprofit organizations as clients. Previously he led YouTube’s social media campaigns and programs aimed at LGBT users.

What does it take to build a media empire and to reach the masses through social media and digital tools? The media consultant breaks it down to three strategies: education, empowerment, and community building.

Even with the internet, says Braun, it was still difficult “for LGBTQ folks to learn about their history, learn about how they can get involved in the movement, learn about sexual health, and learn about what it means to be LGBTQ. I think it’s important for us to, first and foremost, use social media and digital tools to educate people about what is going on. What is happening in the political climate? What is at stake for LGBTQ people? How can we get involved?”

Then, Braun says, you have to empower people to “feel confident in who they are. Maybe they don’t see openly LGBTQ people in their own community or in their small town or in their church or school; but if they can go online and see lots of LGBTQ people who are living full, vibrant, interesting, diverse lives, I think that can inspire them. Or just, at the minimum, to know that they’re not alone. If we use social media to help empower and embolden and instill confidence in LGBTQ people, then those people will feel more comfortable coming out.”

The Paris city council plans to open an archive centre in 2020 that will preserve documentation of the LGBT movement in France from the 1960s onwards.

The idea was conceived by the former Socialist mayor Bertrand Delanoë 20 years ago but, due to disagreements with LGBT associations, a centre failed to materialise. The recent success of Robin Campillo's 120 Beats per Minute-about the Act Up group who were prominent figures in Aids activism in the 1990s-has given fresh impetus to the creation of the centre.

“The film's critical and public success has enabled us to accelerate the process, which has dragged on for 15 years,” says Bruno Julliard, the deputy mayor of Paris in charge of culture. The film won the Grand Prix of the jury at Cannes Film Festival this year.

While the plans are at the consultation stage, the archive is likely to be in the town hall of the third or fourth arrondissement in the Marais district, which is the centre of France’s LGBT culture. The aim is to make the historical archives accessible to researchers. “The City of Paris has a concrete commitment towards appropriating the heritage of this activist battle and preserving its archives, and if there's a city that is legitimate in archiving this activist battle, it's Paris,” Julliard says. “Paris has a historic relationship with human rights and LGBT rights.”

Australia - We shouldn’t have to endorse a bill that enshrines in law new and different ways for some groups to discriminate against us.

I voted for marriage and equality – not one without the other.

I have imagined this moment many times and it goes something like this …

We’ve been in Canberra for a few days for some final lobbying and number crunching. Everyone is tense but excited. Is it really going to happen? After all these years, have we finally got this thing across the line? My partner Sarah and I have managed to score two spots in the public gallery and we sit, whispering and still, in accordance with the strict protocols.

The arguing is over, the debate has run its course and it’s time for the vote. We know we’ve got the numbers, but that doesn’t make it any less nerve-wracking. I am so anxious I can barely breathe and I know Sarah feels the same. Fifteen years we’ve been campaigning for this and here, today, now, it ends. It is the seminal moment in an extraordinary and historic movement for social change.

The kids are at home – waiting – and every time we call to check in they ask: Have they voted yet? Did we win? When we got married in 2003 in Canada, our son was nine months old and we carried him down the aisle before passing him to his aunt for the ceremony. This year he turned fifteen, and his two younger sisters turned ten and twelve. Our kids have lived this campaign their entire lives and this is their moment too.

The bell rings. The division is called. The vote is taken.

I can feel my heart knocking inside my chest and I grab Sarah’s hand. We watch the to-ing and fro-ing on the floor as the count is tallied. Then the whispering in the public gallery stops, and the Speaker makes the announcement: The ayes have it and, despite the rules, we are out of our seats and punching the air and cheering and clapping. I throw my arms around Sarah, laughing and crying at the same time. We did it! We won. We finally won. I am ecstatic. Jubilant. Triumphant. I have waited fifteen years for this moment and it is everything I wanted it to be.

Outside the public gallery, I share this sweetest of moments with all the other advocates who have marched and campaigned and lobbied and raised funds and written and spoken and doorknocked and struggled and fought. They have given so much of themselves to bring us to this time and we smile and embrace. The relief and the joy is indescribable.

I ring the kids first and tell them: Yes, we won. Yes, it’s over. When you spoke at that rally, when you talked on the radio, when you were featured in that magazine – when they attacked your family and you spoke up – you helped us win and that is an extraordinary thing. From today, in the eyes of the law, your family is just as good as everyone else’s family. You have legally married parents just like your friends and no one can ever take that away from you.

And then I call Mark and Tom who we have known forever. Start planning boys. Send us an invite and we’ll stick it on the fridge. Use any florist, or baker or celebrant you want – there will be no signs that read: “No gays”. You get to plan your big day in exactly the same way as anyone else. Congrats guys.

As I think back on the past 24 years of providing couples counseling for gay male relationships, I sometimes get asked what the differences are that I see (in general) in gay male relationships that are (again, in general), different from straight relationships.

I offer these thoughts to both single and coupled gay men, based on my perspective of what I’ve seen through the years. My experiences and observations as a gay men’s specialist psychotherapist might differ from other gay men, and even other gay male therapists, and we always have to be mindful of not indulging in unfair assumptions, stereotypes, or even prejudices. But since making a relationship work (which I define, in part, as the relationship’s level of satisfaction for each partner and in its overall longevity and subjective “quality” for each partner) is at least in part based on a skills-building process, skills that I believe are required for a gay male relationship to both endure (quantity) and thrive (quality). These are the issues that come up repeatedly in couples counseling sessions: 

1. Money 

Gay male couples can have a lot of conflict around money. Statistically, white men tend to be relatively high earners. The sexism that women only earn a portion of what men earn, for the same work, extends to both gay men and straight men. It’s hard to find a gay male couple where issues of competition don’t come up, whether regarding physical appearance, social influence, or income. When money issues arise in gay male relationships, I believe it’s because all American men (and elsewhere) are still, even in our oh-so-modern times, expected to the “breadwinners.” White men, especially of middle class or higher socio-economic status, are socialized to “getting their way,” enjoying a social privilege (whether they want it or not) among all demographics. Gay men of color face a dual challenge in managing social reactions and pressures from being both gay and people of color, and also gender expectations. There are many potential pressures to face and overcome. Straight men face a lot of social pressure, still, to earn more than their wives. Conversely, a straight man who earns less than his wife can feel humiliated, jealous, or dejected (from both women and other men), all from society’s strong and ubiquitous messages of what it expects from men – it’s not even up for discussion or conscious awareness; it just “is.” So when two gay men form a relationship, issues of each partner competing to be the breadwinner often arise. It’s like some kind of pissing contest. There can also be an irony that the older, higher-earning partner can be the sexual bottom role in the relationship, and it’s in the bedroom where issues of power, control, and dominance can be “played with,” reversed, or expressed. In every gay male relationship, there is overt power, and there is covert or “passive-aggressive” power. How these dynamics are expressed, and the conflicts that can result, are often the impetus for entering couples therapy.

The gay men that I work with are often from mixed cultures or different nationalities. I’m not sure why this is; I really don’t think it’s because gay male couples “have more problems” than straight couples, or even that cross-cultural gay couples can’t get by without couples therapy. Maybe it’s that the cultural differences add an extra layer of challenge that can be a source of conflict. But it also adds an extra layer of mystery, excitement, exoticism, and fun. But along with cultural differences, such as language, food, spirituality, traditions, and habits, can be cultural differences about money. So, in couples therapy, differences and conflicts that arise about money issues on the surface are really differences in culture, even just differences in “family culture” in the family of origin, even if both partners are the same nationality/ethnicity.

Couples therapy helping a gay couple resolve conflicts about money often involves my helping the partners to understand that this is not a competition, or that one partner must dominate or be declared the “winner.” Rather, it’s about helping the men understand that their household is not two “I” that live under the same roof; it’s about forming a “we.” Forming a “we,” where each partner is a 50/50 stakeholder in the relationship, can be hard for men, because in general men are taught to “control” and “dominate” from the time we are little boys in ways that they don’t even realize that they’re doing it (Don’t believe me? Just ask a scholar in feminist studies if that statement is true.)

Unlike straight couples, who (up until relatively recently) had the monopoly on legal recognition of their relationships (before domestic partnerships and marriage equality laws), gay men were treated by the law as two unrelated individuals under one roof, especially for legal and tax purposes. Straight married couples are socialized to “blend” their money more readily, and they have their parents’ example and subtle heterosexist behavioral modeling to follow (from everything from feature films, to television, to commercials). They are more likely to have joint bank accounts, joint tax filing, and automatic rights of survivorship on everything from 401-ks to Social Security survivor benefits – and they have for generations. Gay men are socialized to think more individually, and the idea of “blending” their two individual incomes into one “household income” once they are coupled is a kind of mental and emotional hurdle that only softens with increased time and trust.

Couples therapy can involve brainstorming, identifying, evaluating, and implementing specific money management plans in the household so that both partners feel like they are making an equal contribution, even if there is a vast difference between Partner A and Partner B’s incomes.

2.Sex

Gay male couples tend to approach sex differently. We all know that gay male couples are much more likely to entertain the idea of, or even be in, a non-monogamous relationship. Part of this is cultural and historical; part of this is the nature of men’s sexuality in general (hey, truth be told, MANY more straight men would be non-monogamous if given the opportunity by their wives, as I have learned from working with straight men in my practice, and some (just like gay men) take that prerogative even if it’s directly violating a monogamy agreement). Gay men are much more likely, in general, to only “not” be appalled at the idea of another person (man) having sex with their partner/spouse, but to be turned on by it. Gay men have a greater capacity (in general) for “sport sex,” and less about foreplay; they can separate sex from love more easily. Without a woman’s particular sexual makeup in the equation, it changes the sexual equation. You really can’t directly compare a straight couple’s sex life with a gay male couple’s sex life. Some things just don’t “translate” culturally, physically, socially, emotionally, etc. So, part of my job in couples counseling is to help gay men understand this, and to avoid making direct comparisons to straight relationships all the time (some of the time is OK, particularly in confronting double-standards and internalized homophobia). Part of my expertise as a gay men’s specialist therapist is to understand the special cultural considerations of gay men, by this point in my life and career, in extreme detail of “cultural competency” of psychotherapeutic/clinical social work practice. By validating to a gay male couple that their sex life must be discussed not only “apart” of any heteronormative expectations, but also independently of even OTHER gay male relationships they might know of, the couple can be reassured that the decisions and practices they make are unique and customized to them. There is no one proper “cookie-cutter” sex life for gay male couples that fits all.

While this is also true for straight couples, issues of monogamy, frequency, type of sex, the “vanilla-versus-kink” spectrum, BDSM, and even time management discussions differ. While this is not necessarily unique to gay men, a big factor can be finding time for sex, when often both partners are busy, high-level executives or professionals who work extraordinarily long hours or have jobs that require frequent travel. 

Figuring out how long to wait before you have sex with someone is a deeply personal question that is highly dependent on a wide variety of factors and conditions.

For example, if you’re looking for a man to enter into a serious, long-term relationship with, or if you’re even looking for a man you may one day marry, then you might prolong the waiting period before you slip between the sheets.

Sex is extremely important to a healthy relationship, but sometimes it’s wise to make sure it isn’t the only aspect of your relationship when you’re looking to build something with a little longevity.

However, if you’re just looking to go out and have fun and hook up with new guys, then waiting a long time to have sex probably doesn’t make a lot of sense.

You can’t be (safely, responsibly) slutty if you’re making every attractive guy you meet wait six months before the two of you get down to business. If you’re in the middle of an uncommitted stage of your dating life, then you really shouldn’t wait very long to hook up with the men you meet.

In other words, the only way to know how long you should wait before having sex with a man is to be pretty clear about what sort of relationships you’re looking for.

It sounds mechanical but until you set some firm goals about what you’re looking for from the men you meet, you can’t ascribe to any universal rule about how long you should or shouldn’t wait before having sex.

Should I have sex with someone I just met?

Define “just met.”

Should you have sex with a man you’ve been on one date with or whom you just met at a bar or a party and spent some time getting to know? Sure, why not. If you find him attractive, and if you’re at a point in your dating life where you just want to mess around, then you should absolutely go for it.

Scotland - The first minister's apology coincided with new legislation that will automatically pardon gay and bisexual men convicted under historical laws.

The bill will also allow the removal of such convictions from criminal records.

Consensual homosexual acts between men aged over 21 in Scotland were only decriminalised in 1981.

And it was not until 20 years later that the age of consent for gay men was lowered to 16.

Speaking in the Scottish Parliament, the first minister said it was "shocking" that consenting sexual activity between men in Scotland was still classed as a criminal activity until so recently.

She added: "Before then, hundreds of people in Scotland were liable to be convicted as criminals, simply for loving another adult."

And the first minister said the simple fact was that parliamentarians in Scotland had, over many decades, supported or at least accepted laws which "we now recognise to have been completely unjust".

Ms Sturgeon said: "Those laws criminalised the act of loving another adult; they deterred people from being honest about their identity to family, friends, neighbours and colleagues; and by sending a message from parliament that homosexuality was wrong, they encouraged rather than deterred homophobia and hate.

"Today as first minister I categorically, unequivocally and wholeheartedly apologise for those laws and for the hurt and the harm that they caused to so many.

"Nothing that this parliament does can erase those injustices, but I do hope this apology, alongside our new legislation, can provide some comfort to those who endured those injustices

"And I hope that it provides evidence of this parliament's determination in so far as we can to address the harm that was done."

The apology was made on the same day as the publication of the Historical Sexual Offences (Pardons and Disregards) Bill.

The legislation will give an automatic pardon to gay men convicted under historical discriminatory laws - but will not apply to behaviour that is still illegal today.

It will also enable men to apply to have convictions for same-sex sexual activity that is now legal removed from central criminal conviction records.

Justice Secretary Michael Matheson said the new legislation was an important step towards addressing the injustice faced by many gay men in the past.

He added: "These discriminatory laws, although abolished, continue to have implications for people to this day and it is only right that we address this historic wrong, which criminalised people simply because of who they loved."

Whether you have 99 problems, or just a handful, stress can be dangerous – even life-threatening – for men.

Stress: You can’t hear it, you can’t see it, you can’t taste it, yet it’s commonly accepted that stress significantly impacts men’s health. As more research is published on the effects of stress and anxiety, we're learning that stress can be more serious than ever imagined, particularly for heart health. And in other ways, like how it affects your relationships with women, stress can be downright strange.

Here are six reasons why it’s worth keeping a lid on stress and anxiety:

1. Stress can change your taste in women. 

Guys in a high-stress activity see heavier women as more attractive than did those involved in a normal activity, a British study of 81 men found. Kevin B. Jones, MD, author of What Doctors Cannot Tell You: Clarity, Confidence and Uncertainty in Medicine, finds these results highly plausible. “You need no physician to tell you that stress can change a man's decisions,” he says.

“We've all seen someone going through a difficult personal crisis who seems to flub even completely unrelated judgment calls. Some men self-medicate their stress or poor mental health with decisions that further muddle their judgment, such as involvement with illicit drugs, binge alcohol consumption, or dangerous sexual entanglements. But even without mind-altering substances or habits, they will make different decisions when too heavily stressed.”

2. Men take stress harder than women. 

Men are supposed to be “rocks,” impervious to stress. But recent research flies in the face of this conventional wisdom, indicating that the women fare better in the face of stress. In one study of more than 24,000 Canadian adults, men who had high demand and low control in their jobs or had job insecurity were more likely to have had major depression. Women in the study, though still at risk for anxiety and depression, were not as likely to have experienced major depression.

Simon A. Rego, PsyD, director of psychology training at Montefiore Medical Center/Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, says that gender differences regarding the effects of stress manifest themselves in other ways that are negative for men’s health.

“Men under stress are more likely than women to report having been diagnosed with high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, and heart disease or heart attack,” he says.

Fathers and Gay Sons: A Complicated, Vitally Important Relationship.

Fathers in many families are mysterious, distant, intimidating figures-even more so for boys with homosexual attractions. They are the family torchbearers of manliness, and, as males young and old know, homosexuality is considered the dreaded opposite of masculinity. According to Michael Kimmel, a sociologist and expert on male sex roles, men demonstrate their masculinity by repudiating all that is feminine and demonstrating an ever-ready willingness to engage in sexual intercourse with women whenever the opportunity arises-in a nutshell, to prove they are not gay. To be gay is to be powerless, weak, unable to break free from Mommy, and these characteristics are incompatible with real manliness.

Initially, the assertion that homophobia plays center stage in men's masculine self-concept may seem rather extreme. However, go to places where men and boys congregate such as schoolyards, sports fields, fraternity houses, and locker rooms in this country and you will hear taunts such as "You're a sissy!" "That's so gay." "Hey cocksucker!" or "Wow, you really got fucked in the ass on that play!" Sex between males is seen as an act of violence and domination rather than an expression of love, affection, or mutual pleasure, and this mocking, whether it is done playfully or with hostile intent, is meant to degrade a man by deriding his manliness. A boy growing into a gay man will get the message loud and clear that he is weak, dirty, and, perhaps worst of all, less than a man. Thus it is no wonder that the boys in the study for my book: Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child (http://www.comingoutcominghome.com), recalled being so reactive and fearful of the responses of their fathers-the very people who were expecting them to receive and carry the torch of masculinity.

As this eighteen-year-old young man recalled:

My father has always been very physical. He liked competitive sports and he played football. He was always pushing me to be on the football team or to do this or that. The kind of things I had absolutely no interest in doing at all, and I don't know how tied up that is in sexuality, but I certainly felt like I had something I needed to keep hidden from him.

Rico, a twenty-two-year-old Latino man who worked in a bookstore, described how his father's derision, perhaps fueled by suspicion, made him fearful:

He would call gay people names and stuff. Just saying that he didn't agree with it and thought it was wrong and all that stuff. . . . Yes, and he didn't want me to become that . . . One time I had just dyed my hair. I was eighteen, nineteen. I dyed it red. And he said: "Don't be a girl, you fag!" or something like that.

Rico, whose parents were long-divorced, perceived these admonitions as a threat, which is why at the time of his interview he had yet to come out to his father.

When Jay was asked if his emerging sexual orientation played any role in his relationship with his father, he replied:

Yes. I think I was taking out my frustrations with all of the straight jocks at school . . . that he was this mister normal guy that had the normal family, the normal house and the normal job and normal, normal, normal. And I don't know . . . he was an easy target, too, because he wasn't always here and when he was here I could attack him.

While this is advice for those who identify as “bottoms,” anyone who has anal sex should have an understanding of the process involved in successful bottoming. It will help you be a better “top” and positively affect your sexual experiences.

The act of bottoming is a true art, and whether it’s your first attempt or you’ve been experimenting with it for quite some time, analyzing your readiness and the proper techniques not only allows you to reach heightened sexual pleasure, but also enables safe and enduring practices.

If you’ve never tried bottoming, but you’re curious, you shouldn’t just dive in without preparation. Successful and pleasurable bottoming takes time and practice, through dilation exercises, training of your self-awareness, and control of the pelvic floor.

The good news? Bottoming shouldn’t hurt. Of course, it may be uncomfortable at first and you might initially question how there could ever be pleasure in it-something that happens with vaginal sex the first time as well.It takes practice, patience, and following a few simple guidelines to enhance this sexual practice. I often tell patients that great bottoms have been doing it for quite some time, with many first experiencing it in their youth. Unfortunately, no one showed us the right way to bottom in our high school sex ed classes. Still, it’s never too late to learn so you can enjoy new and positive sexual experiences.

Here’s my 101 guide to bottoming:

1. Begin With Dilation

Get yourself an anal trainer kit, and start training for dilation two to three times a week (for as little as five minutes each time). Use a water-based lubricant and start with the smallest plug. Insert just to the point of pressure. Hold it there for a few seconds, then try to engage the muscles. Allow yourself to relax before removing the plug, then re-lubricate and re-insert to the point of pressure. Repeating this process will prove successful over time, so don’t get discouraged if the first time you only get a small portion of the tip in. Repeat the process three to five times. The key is to remember there are three sets of muscles that need to relax for a successful entry. Think of it as a tunnel, and the entire tunnel needs to be a well-lubed cylinder. We don’t advise inserting the entire length of the plug and leaving it in on the first try, because removal may be difficult, which could cause tearing. If after four to five sessions you can insert that size without any issues, you’re ready to graduate to the next size. Don’t forget to enjoy it. If you become stimulated during the process, go for it! Not only is it a pleasurable side effect to your dilation training, but you can start to channel your orgasm anally and begin to gain control over time.

2. Ready For The Real Thing

When you’ve successfully mastered a medium size plug, you’re ready to graduate to the real thing. Congratulations! It’s always best to start off with you in total control and a partner you trust to be patient in letting you decide the level you’re comfortable with. Some people use dilators first, either with or without a sexual partner, to “warm up” and remind themselves of the practiced techniques. Once the engines have been started, the bottom needs to sit on the tip of the penis, allowing control of entry. Use plenty of lubricant and remember the different sets of muscles that need to be released to allow access. Start off using the same technique of inserting until you feel pressure, hold it there, pull out, re-lubricate, and repeat. The three to five-time rule applies here as well. Being on top of the penis really allows for you to determine your level of comfort. If pain occurs, you can stop, call it a day, and try again another time. It’s not worth causing pain or a potential injury.

It’s easy to think that all men want the same thing in bed. But, as men age and mature, so do their wants and needs. What 50-year-old men want in bed is significantly different than what men in their 20s or 30s want. By their 50s, older men have found what works and what doesn’t work for them socially and sexually, and they want a woman who understands their needs, as well as her own.

So, do you want to know how to really please a man in his 50s in between the sheets? Here are seven things men in mid-life are looking for sexually:

A lover who can communicate in bed.

We know that communication is key in all types of relationships. And it’s no different for older men-what 50-year-old men want in bed is women who aren’t afraid to tell them what they want. “An older guy finds it sexy when a woman knows her own body and can communicate her needs without feeling shy or uncomfortable about how to make her body work and how he can give her pleasure,” says board certified sexologist and author of, Getting the Sex You Want, Dr. Tammy Nelson. Van Kirk adds that, most men in their 50s have had enough partners that they know not every trick works for every woman. So, give your 50-year-old lover a bit of your owner’s manual.

A lover who is confident in bed.

Ask any man of any age, and they’ll tell you just how sexy it is when a woman is sexually confident. Men appreciate a woman who understands her own sexuality and for good reason. “Older men want someone who is comfortable in her own skin and who isn’t afraid to be intimate,” says licensed sex and marriage therapist, Dr. Kat Van Kirk. Most men over 50 know that a woman’s body and hormones change as she ages, so don’t feel so self-conscience about every little wrinkle, dimple, or freckle, Van Kirk adds.

More than “just sex”.

What 50-year-old men want in bed, is women who aren’t in a hurry to get to the main attraction. These men know there’s a lot more to the bedroom besides just having sex. And, just because they’re older, doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate oral. “Masturbation and intimate touching is still important to the over-50 club,” says Van Kirk. He wants to please you and takes great pleasure in making sure that happens, whether it comes from intercourse, touching, or cuddling. So, take some time to really kiss and touch each other before jumping into sex.

Exclusive: A new book by Eric Rosswood explores the questions, answers and other issues involved with being a gay parent.

As all gay dads know, parenthood comes with ups and downs. It will bring you indescribable joy but will also draw upon all your emotional strength.

LGBTI parents face their own challenges. Some of those faced by gay dads are explored in the excellent new book, The Ultimate Guide for Gay Dads, by Eric Rosswood.

Rosswood wrote the book partly from his own experiences of being a parent. He also believes a book aimed directly at gay dads was needed.

‘For example, you won’t find information on how to hold a baby and get the perfect nipple latch during breast-feeding,’ he says. ‘Instead, the book compares donor breast milk and formula to help gay dads decide which is right for their baby.’

(Husbands Mat and Eric with son Connor)

Besides covering childcare, there’s also a section on the awkward questions gay dads sometimes get asked. And advice on how they deal with them. Below are just a few, with some words from Rosswood.

"How much did she cost?"

‘The most awkward question (in the beginning at least) was, “How much did she cost?” At first we just laughed uncomfortably and changed the subject, but two years in we tend to say, “As much as a Prius.”

‘That turns the table on who’s uncomfortable. Who really asks how much a human being costs?’ – Chad Scanlon

"Which one of you is her daddy?"

‘Before our daughter could talk, we would often get, “She is so precious, which one of you is her daddy?”

‘We would then begin this eloquent and awkward dialogue of saying, “We both are,” multiple times until we finally got the tilted head stare. We refer to this as the “dog- whistle look.” You whistle, and a dog will tilt its head.’ – Trey Darnell

"Who is the sperm donor?"

‘The awkward question that we get most frequently is about the genetic relationship we have with our children. Again, we understand it is a natural curiosity, so we try not to be offended by the question.

‘We have two sets of twins and both are mixed-race Asian and Caucasian, so it becomes a bit of a guessing game trying to figure out which half of the interracial gay couple is biologically related to each of these kids.

‘Once, when our older children were still babies, we went out to lunch and the waitress asked us almost immediately after introducing herself, “Who is the sperm donor?”

‘We were so shocked with her forward approach that I frankly don’t recall if we responded with an order for the avocado egg rolls appetizer or our standard response.

‘We usually tell people that we keep that detail private because we want to be treated equally as parents to all our kids. The waitress’ gay coworker overheard the exchange and was so mortified. He came to our rescue and took over our table for her.’ – David Hu

Although it may be hard to tell, gay men are just like any other population: We come in all shapes and sizes. And at our healthiest, we would still look drastically different from each other.

Yet there is one body type that we are often expected to attain. A passing glance at the media and the advertising industry’s portrayal of the modern gay man is a portrait of massive pecs, bulging biceps, a teeny-tiny waist, and thighs the size of tree trunks. This impossible pinnacle of perfection is what we are led to believe is that of a healthy man, but for a countless number of gay men who are killing themselves to achieve it, it can be anything but.

Here are six reasons why the "gay gym body" isn’t a healthy body.

1. Comparison creates an unhealthy body image.

Whenever you set unattainable fitness goals, the progress you make can sometimes be what makes you feel as if you will never be good enough. Your body can only look like the best version of your body, and by comparing yourself to someone with a wildly different body composition, you will always feel as if you are “less than.” This notion is generally shrugged off as “motivation” to work harder, but it also can create a very unhealthy body image. Define your successes by what your best body is, not the body of someone else.

2. Steroids and harmful supplements offer a temptation to "cheat."

The reality is, many gay men will never look like the boys in the underwear ads, simply because of genetics. What is one man’s pinnacle of personal fitness can look quite different from another’s. But regardless of what a person’s peak level of fitness looks like, there is still one measure of the perfect body, which is why gay men are six times more likely to use steroids, unnecessary testosterone boosters, and other harmful supplements to cheat their genetics. And no matter how hard your trainer or your overmuscled friend may try to convince you, these supplements are bad for your body. The end. 

Life is all about development, evolution and progression, and as we go through this maturation process, there are often typical stages we experience as we continue to grow.

For example, you will likely recall you went through certain stages and phases of identity development as you came out to yourself as a gay man and started to come to terms with your sexuality.

Here is an article about the well-known “Cass Homosexual Identity Development” model that details this process.

Well, relationships are the same way

In much the same way that as individuals we grow and develop, so do our relationships.

When you start dating someone and work toward a long-term partnership, there is a common developmental trajectory you will likely follow.

There are a variety of stage models that attempt to explain intimate relationship development, though the great majority are descriptive of heterosexual love.

While there are many similarities in the qualities and characteristics of relationships with our heterosexual counterparts, gay/lesbian relationships also have some unique differences and challenges that may not necessarily follow some of these other relationship theories.

Alas, there is one such model that speaks to gay male pairings!

In 1984, David P. McWhirter and Andrew M. Mattison published “The Male Couple: How Relationships Develop.”

The authors conducted a research study over the course of five years in which they interviewed 156 male couples in loving relationships lasting anywhere from one to 37 years.

Their intent was to discover how male couples function in everyday life in terms of domestics, finances, sexuality and relationship issues.

What actually emerged from the study was a groundbreaking discovery that regardless of the differences between men, their relationships pass through typical developmental stages in the same way individuals grow and develop.

McWhirter and Mattison share their research findings in this book and identify six separate developmental stages gay male couples go through that’s essential for the growth and healthy maturation of their relationship.

“Each stage can become a building block to subsequent phases.”

The six stages are labeled as:

1. “Blending” in year one.
2. “Nesting” in years two and three.
3. “Maintaining” in years four and five.
4. “Building” in years six through 10.
5. “Releasing” in years 11 through 20.
6. “Renewing” in years 20 and beyond.

McWhirter and Mattison describe the various characteristics that are reminiscent of each of the stages, which also can become building blocks and bridges toward passage to subsequent phases and can identify other influences and possible crises or challenges that are common.

These oftentimes are inherent in the growing pains necessary for the development and health of the relationship and the partners within the system as well. Here is an article that details these stages.