There is great societal denial of the fact that men can be sexually assaulted. This denial is partly rooted in the mistaken belief that men are immune to being victimized and/or that they should be able to fight off any attacker if they are truly a "real man." A closely related belief is that men can't be forced into sex- either they want it or they don't. The statistics tell us a different story – that men are the survivors of sexual violence, including rape. The Center for Disease Control found in a study released in 2011 that nearly 1 in 71 men have experienced some form of sexual violence in their lives, including completed forced penetration, attempted forced penetration or alcohol/drug facilitated completed penetration. Additionally, 1 in 21 men reported being forced to penetrate someone else, most likely an intimate partner (44.8%) or acquaintance (44.7%).

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These mistaken beliefs allow lots of men to feel safe and invulnerable, and to think of sexual assault as something that only happens to women. Unfortunately, these beliefs can also increase the pain experienced by a male survivor of sexual assault. These beliefs may leave a male survivor feeling isolated, ashamed, and that their masculinity has somehow been impacted by the assault. Sexual assault is never the fault of the survivor, no matter what their gender identity or expression is.

No wonder so few men actually get help after being sexually assaulted. The fact is that only 5 to 20% of all survivors of sexual assault report and the percentage for male survivors is even lower. Feelings of shame, confusion and self-blame leave many men suffering in silence after being sexually assaulted.

The following discuss some of the unique problems and concerns that male survivors may experience:

For most men the idea of being “a victim” is very hard to handle. We're raised to believe that a man should be able to defend himself against all odds, or that he should be willing to risk his life or severe injury to protect his pride and self-respect. How many movies or TV shows have you seen in which the "manly" hero is prepared to fight a group of huge guys over an insult or name-calling? Beliefs about "manliness" and "masculinity" are deeply ingrained in most of us and can lead to intense feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy for a male survivor of sexual assault.

According to a recent poll from the National Sleep Foundation, only 12 percent of Americans sleep in their birthday suits. That’s a complete and utter travesty, considering we spend almost half our lives sleeping. You’d think as guys we’d feel a need to let the beast out of its cage, but unfortunately many of us don’t.

I love a guy who sleeps au naturel. Skin-to-skin contact, either with ourselves or with someone else, creates a better psychological connection to the world. I don’t want to get too deep about it, but whether you realize it or not, sleeping in the buff can alter our entire sexual confidence. Here’s why:

1. You’ll Have A Better Personality

When you sleep better, you’ll be in a better mood, which means you’ll have a better personality, which means you’ll be more attractive. In order to fall asleep, your core body temperature needs to drop by about half a degree. In order to stay asleep, that temperature needs to be regulated, otherwise your brain wakes itself up.

The trick is getting to deep sleep, i.e. REM sleep. You might “get enough” sleep, but in order for your body to reap the benefits and attain all the fabulous things people talk about in health books - cell repair, brain reboot, memory consolidation - you need to have deep undisturbed sleep. When you’re nude, your body cools down a lot quicker. Help as much as you can to achieve this. Your sex life will be much better.

2. You’ll Be A Better Bottom

The secret to being a better bottom is a better metabolism, and staying cool throughout the night actually helps to rev it all, according to a 2014 study in the journal Diabetes. Researchers found that when people slept in a chilly room or without clothes, their metabolism also increased throughout the day - but it’s something that evolves slowly, like, say a few weeks. So take the clothes off: A better metabolism is a better bottom!

Being gay adds another level of complexity to the dating process, and because we’re all men, we make this process of looking for a mate all the more difficult. Our walls are high, our hearts are guarded, and we’re still all figuring out exactly what we’re looking for because for many of us, we didn’t see what we’re trying to create growing up.

As someone who longs for love, I’ve tried to really analyze what it is that makes dating as gay men more complex, and this is what my personal history has concluded.

1. Sex is easy.

Going one step deeper into the conversation about gay men and sex, we have to acknowledge how easy it is to find sex. 

With “dating” app culture running amok, gay men by far have the easiest outlets to look for sex. Add to the fact that when we go to gay bars, almost everyone in that room is a possible partner in some way, and our chances are doubled. This isn’t the case for our straight counterparts.

Additionally, many of us grew up insecure and full of shame, so part of coming out is feeling sexually liberated. However, we often mistake the ease and casualness of the sex we can, and do have, as something other than what it really is. We’re looking to fulfill a void within ourselves with a physical pleasure that does in fact feel good, but often doesn’t lead to the substance we crave in a juxtapositional way.

Sex is great, but sex with substance is harder and harder to come by the more casual we are about this physical act.

2. We’re all sex monsters.

We are first and foremost men, which means most of our libidos run high, but then add to the equation the fact that we’re dating other men, and bam. I don’t care who you are, or how you identify yourself (Bear, Twink, Jock, Daddy, etc), we’re all constantly horny. It literally is scientifically driven due to the fact that we have testosterone pumping through our bodies.

Add to the fact that our culture is obsessed with imagery and sex, and it becomes almost impossible to escape thoughts of sex. Even if you’re able to find yourself not so wound up, there’s a good chance your gym, your job, your night out, or whatever is going to make you want to do what men are programmed to do, and spill your seed.

As gay men the testosterone levels are doubled in the dating world, and we are constantly playing with fire as we try to think with our brains and not our dicks. 

3. We have very deep scars.

As gay men we grow up hiding parts of ourselves because gay still is considered different, and in a lot of places, bad. 

We feel like we have to hide a part of ourselves everyday for many formative years, which means we are neglecting other parts of ourselves that should be receiving precious energy. So when we finally do come out, we often confuse this as dealing with our issues, when in fact, this is just the beginning to dealing with what our issues really are.

It’s beyond hard to be vulnerable with someone else, especially when so many of us are uncomfortable with being vulnerable with ourselves. Admitting that life isn’t peaches and cream isn’t fun, but the less honest we are with ourselves, the more guarded we become, and the more we keep our walls up.

Our insecurity is beyond high from all the shame we felt growing up, and even after we’ve dealt with it, it feels all too real when we are hurt again in the dating process.

When you’ve never tried yoga, it can be intimidating, especially if you’ve been scoping the jaw-dropping, super bendy, pretzel-like poses your girlfriend practices each morning. But relax: It’s actually the most basic postures-not the fancy positions-that provide you with the foundation of flexibility and strength that every man needs. That’s why we’ve put together this collection of poses, which you’ll return to again and again. Work on them first at home-holding each pose for 30 seconds to 1 minute while keeping your breathing smooth throughout-and you’ll be ready to dive into any fast-moving yoga class.

1. Mountain (Tadasana)

What it does: Simple but effective, mountain pose builds a solid foundation for all other standing poses. It strengthens and returns flexibility to your feet, improves your posture, and works your thighs and core.

How to do it: Stand with your big toes touching and heels slightly apart. Balance the weight evenly on your feet and lift up the arches. Engage the thigh muscles slightly to lift up the kneecaps, but avoid locking your knees.

How to get better: With every inhale, imagine lengthening your spine by stretching your head toward the ceiling. Keep your shoulders relaxed and your shoulder blades drawing down your back.

2. Tree (Vrksasana)

What it does: Like other standing balance poses, tree pose will improve your focus while strengthening the muscles in your ankles, calves and thighs. It also stretches the inner thigh and groin muscles on the bent leg.

How to do it: Shift your weight onto your right foot, pressing it firmly onto the floor. Bend the leftt leg at the knee and place the sole of the left foot on your inner right thigh. Point the toes toward the floor. If this is difficult, you can also place the sole of the foot on the inner calf or ankle (but avoid the knee). Bring your palms together in front of your chest and keep your weight centered over the left foot. Press the right knee back to open the groin while keeping your hips parallel to the front of the room. Release the foot and repeat on the other side.

How to get better: To improve your balance, keep your attention on the floor a few feet in front of you.

3. Standing Forward Bend (Uttanasana)


What it does: Standing forward bend can calm your mind, while also stretching the hamstrings and muscles of the spine.

How to do it: Start in mountain pose with your hands on your hips, then exhale, tucking your chin slightly toward your chest and bending forward at the hips. (As you fold forward, lengthen the front of your torso to avoid curling the spine.) Relax your head, neck and shoulders and let your arms hang loosely. Place your palms or fingertips on the floor beside or slightly in front of your feet. (If you can’t touch the floor, cross your forearms and grab your elbows.). To come out of the pose, bring your hands to your hips and lift up on an inhale. Keep your chin tucked and lengthen the front of your torso as you come back up.

How to get better: If your hamstrings are very tight, bend your knees slightly to let the spine stretch toward the floor. Avoid pulling yourself down with your hands-let gravity do the work.

It Takes Work For Gay Men To Be In A Successful Relationship.

We once asked a gay couple that had been together for 25 years what their secret was. They said, “Separate bathrooms, separate closets, and a shared kitchen.” We tend to agree for the most part, but in today’s generation dating means so much more than practical things. It’s about respect, affirmation, and an ability to be free while committed.

Habits train our brains to think differently about our partners. During the early stages of a relationship, we often do them naturally. The real test is seeing how they’ve held up after two, five, ten years. Here are a few important ones you should try to hold on to:

1. Going to bed at the same time.

The bedroom is a symbol of your sexual chemistry (at least it should be). In the beginning stages of the relationship you probably couldn’t wait to go to bed at the same time to have a little hanky lanky; now, it’s become just another place to sleep. Happy couples have known that their time together in bed should be appreciated.

2. Supporting each others interest (even if it means bending your own from time to time). 

As the relationship grows, you also risk the chances of growing a part. This is common and most happy couples know it’s a symptom of close relationships. At that point, it’s up to them to decide whether their partner is worth the effort of continuing onward with. A great way of riding through the currents is to cultivate both of your interests within your daily activities. Doing things together that you both enjoy (not just him or you) will ripen and flourish the connection.

3. Being unafraid to be seen publicly with your partner.

It doesn’t matter where you are in the city because LGBT awareness is on the rise everywhere. Being afraid to hug, kiss, or touch your partner in public can damage the infrastructure of your relationship. Studies show that minor acts of PDA psychologically benefit both partners; it lets them feel valuable, worthy, and wanted.

4. Picking their fights.

Gay men are the worst when it comes to fighting because our testosterone makes us aggressive (the joys of being a man). Sometimes it can blind us from seeing what’s logical, forcing us to rely on an egotistical need to be “right” – even if we know we’re wrong. Glancing at another man or doing anything that is harmless isn’t worth a fight. Instead of focusing on what a partner is doing wrong, focus on what they’re doing right. Fights quickly become personal when they’re picked carelessly. We suggest making them practical; that way, they’re not longer fights, but small disagreements.

Introverts get a bad rap, man. Gay guys typically say they want to marry an introvert but would rather sex with extroverts. Trouble is, in a community where everything revolves around sex, us introverts begin to wonder if it’s ever going to be our turn.

Introverts are sexy as hell, but only when we truly embrace our introvert-ism. Too many of us try to be more outgoing or interested in people than we actually are-this is how trouble ensues. It’s time to get real. You’re an introvert. Here’s why:

1. Love-hate relationship with crowds. You’re at a gay club and try to fight through the stress, but you still end up finding yourself more comfortable outside with the smokers who like to talk at a normal volume.

2. Small talk makes you nervous and you don’t know why. Introverts are thinkers, so they thrive in bigger conversations about life and ideas rather than crap. We’re good listeners (obvi) for the most part, but we’d rather not spend time talking about why your host is allergic to gluten. We’d rather talk about cooler things.

3. Everyone thinks you’re flirting with their boyfriend. This is because you’re a genuine person. There aren’t any “hidden meanings” behind your niceness or authentic behavior. You’re not faking, so when someone is funny you tell them they’re funny; when someone is sweet you tell them they’re sweet. It’s a breath of fresh air meeting a cool guy until they’re boyfriend sweeps in and pulls him away because he’s jealous. But hey, nothing you can do about it.

4. You only emotionally connect to people who deserve it. We’re careful. Giving a piece of ourselves is precious. We want the world to think we’re outgoing and special (and they do), but it takes a special soul to see our vulnerable side-one we can trust, and because we have a strong intuition, this person truly is special.

Closeted Gay Man. I Hate My Life!!!

I am a 21 year old closeted gay male and nobody knows about my situation. Though being gay, I still walk, talk, look and act just like any straight guy you see out there, probably even more masculine than most. Except my sexual attraction is with the same sex. I'm a straight man stuck in a gay man's body.

Living a double standard life is very hard and depressing. I question myself everyday why and how I turned like this. I hate my life because of my sexuality. It brings me into an emotional roller coaster everytime I think of it. My life now only consists of work and gym time. 

I rarely go out because I don't have alot of friends. I've lost most of my friends during my depression times when I was in high school. That was the time I confirmed I was really gay. All my friends now are all male and all straight. Straight men my age have only one thing in mind - women - so everytime we do go out, it's always hitting on girls are the bar... 

Don't get me wrong, it's fun and I'm really good at it, but I am just not interested in women at all. I get mixed of emotions when I see my friends with their girlfriends or with girls, hugging and laughing together. I feel sad, angry and depressed inside because it's what I want but I cannot have.

For a 21 year old, I consider myself successful and very mature. I run my own business, I drive a nice car that I paid all by myself, I pay my own bills, I support my parents and I am very independent. People my age envy me and wish they have the work ethics I have. They think that my life is perfect because of what I have and everything I have accomplished, but being a scared "closet gay", they don't know the imprisonment lifestyle I am living. If I was straight, I would say that my life would be perfect, but being gay and in the closet is bringing such a huge negative effect in my life and it's gradually messing me up.

I've always had girlfriends, but I have been single for half a year now. Like any 21 year old, I have a very high sex drive. Being gay, of course, my preference is with a man. Being gay and being in the closet, I do not know any gay friends. My only network is the internet, which, have a very limited number of guys and it seems like all the guys online have had sex with each other already. I've already hooked up with several guys and I really hate doing it. Actually, I despise it. I always judge people and give them a bad "label" for having multiple sexual partners and in this case, I am being a hypocrit because I myself is doing it. I want this to stop. I don't want to have sex with random people. I I am scared of catching any disease or virus. I want a monogamous relationship.

I recently finished reading Dr. Robert Garfield’s terrific new book, Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship and last week participated in a conjoint interview with him by Dr. Dan Gottlieb on WHYY National Public Radio in Philadelphia. This all got me thinking about my own friendships and those of my gay male clients. The bonds between gay men and straight women have been written about and featured in popular media (i.e. Sex in the City, Will and Grace), though a lot less has been said about how gay and straight men recognize and negotiate the distinct challenges, complications, and rewards of their friendships.

According to Dr. Garfield, among the many obstacles to male-male platonic intimacy, fear of homosexuality looms large. Straight men fret that if they get too close, others will see them as gay; which in their minds means feminine (horrors!), weak, and perverted. Perhaps even scarier is that their emotional connections will somehow morph into sexual attraction. Interestingly, in the U.S., before there was such a thing as a gay identity, some straight men would, with little shame, engage in sexual contact with other men (usually allowing themselves to be fellated) when female partners were otherwise unavailable (see George Chauncey’s seminal book, Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World 1890-1940), and there is good reason to believe this still occurs in other countries and cultures. Then, in the U.S. in the mid 20th century this behavior became associated with gay identity which was new at the time and seen as criminal and then sick. As a result of this behavior-identity link, sexual congress between gay and straight men decreased considerably or at least went underground.

Gay men have suffered physical, social, and psychological abuse at the hands of heterosexually identified males who, thanks to homophobia and heterosexism, felt fully justified to inflict these terrors. Further, male sexuality has traditionally been viewed as predatory and uncontrollable, which some men have used to rationalize the sexual harassment and assault of women. Stories, both real and fictitious, about prison rape among male inmates further reinforce the myth that men are unable to rein in their aggressive sexual tendencies. So no wonder hetero men would fear homosexuality and gay men in particular. (Thus the “don’t drop the soap in the shower in front of that guy” metaphor).

A first of its kind study reveals the health and financial benefits of same-sex marriage.

LGBTI people over 50 years old who are married are happier and healthier than singles, a new study found.

The first of its kind study found better physical and mental health, more social support and greater financial resources than those who were single.

Conducted by researchers at the University of Washington, the research found increased benefits among LGBTI couples in long-term relationships, but even more benefits for married couples.

Author Jayn Goldsen said: ‘Same-sex marriage… may be one of the most profound changes to social policy in recent history.’

‘[It] went from being a pipe dream to a legal quagmire to reality,’ she told New Kerala.

For the study, more than 1,800 LGBTI people over 50 were surveyed.

About one quarter were married, one quarter were in long-term relationships and half were single.

Single LGBTI seniors were more likely to have a disability, the study revealed.

It also reported singles had lower physical, psychological, social and environmental quality of life.

There was also a higher prevalence of respondents to have experienced the death of a partner, especially among men.

Arm yourself well with this quick guide to some of the many different flavours of straight men. It is barbecue season, after all.

So many straight guys, so little time. Aside from the odd pint with our dads, awkward smalltalk over the dinner table with our gal pals’ husbands and perhaps an occasional confused chit chat over Grindr with someone looking to experiment, it can be unusual for a gay man to find himself immersed in the company of his straight counterparts that often.

It’s all about knowing what you’re looking for, of course, so arm yourself well with this quick guide to some of the many different flavours of straight men available. You never know when you might need it – it is barbecue season, after all.

1. The metrosexual

It’s hard to believe now, but we once lived in an LBM world – Life Before Moisturiser. Thank heavens, then, for the birth of the metrosexual, who realised shopping wasn’t just something his mum did on a Saturday, and empowered himself, with the aid of an astonishing credit limit on his MasterCard, to get lost in the irresistible charms of capitalism. And he’s still around today, keeping Kiehl’s in business, squeezing himself into his Gucci jeans, wearing his T-shirts slashed to the navel and having his eyebrows threaded.

He’s got his manbag, which he just calls a bag now, as it’s 2016, and he’s got his broga class in half an hour. He takes his lead from his gay brothers when it comes to grooming, but not when it comes to bumming – although he quite likes the attention. As straight men turned to metrosexuality, gay men reacted in the only way they could: we grew beards, got tattoos and said to hell with the carbs and started drinking beer.

2. The menswear crew

Fear that trip-trap of immaculately polished penny loafers on the pavement; run to the kitchen for scissors to cut the Primark label out of your T-shirt. The menswears are coming. Your sartorial overlords, who would think nothing of wearing a suit to a barbecue – no socks, of course – don’t believe in overdressing. Every day is an opportunity to show their style. So long as there’s the remote chance a woman will appraise them and tell them they look “dapper”, they’re happy. All they need is a couple of snaps of their outfit, including a close-up of their latest pocket square, uploading it to Instagram, tagging it menswear, and then going on their merry way to find something else to stand beside looking smart.

Funnily enough, unless they’re parading a recent haircut – which will be tagged newhair or hairgame and will look exactly the same as it did before – most of his photos will be from the neck down. His sartorial precision, his aggressively curated sense of style is usually, I’m afraid, a distraction technique from the sad fact he has a face like a shoe. Oh, and don’t ever ask him what aftershave he’s wearing – “it’s a FRAGRANCE”. Anyway, it’s always by Creed.

How can I be a great top?

Take your time and listen to your partner. This is as much about the emotional as the physical side. If he’s nervous, he might want reassuring that you’re not going to hurt him and that he’s in control.

Find out what he likes. For some guys, topping is about being dominant (and some bottoms like that), but for others, it’s a two-way street. Ask him how he likes it. Listen to his reactions too. If he’s making noises that suggest he's in pain, ease up a bit.

The first time you top, you may be a little anxious. This may make your erection less hard than usual. Relax – You're both there to enjoy yourselves. If you have erection problems, concentrate on something else like kissing for a while. 

Our advice above on lubes and position apply as much to tops as to bottoms. Lube is essential when topping. If you have a bigger than average cock, any position where the cheeks of his arse can provide a buffer to your length (like him lying face down) will be a good bet until he’s used to it.

Remember: It’s not only bottoms at risk of HIV. Tops are at risk too, although it’s statistically less likely. Anal mucus can carry high concentrations of HIV, and the membrane just inside the tip of your cock and the foreskin can absorb that directly into the bloodstream if you fuck a guy's arse without a condom. You know the solution. Rubber up.

I’m scared of bottoming

Most gay men will consider bottoming at some time. However, the thought of doing it for the first time can be scary. Don’t let that put you off.

You may prefer to douche before bottoming, especially if indulging in deep arse play like fisting or with large dicks/toys. Use plain, clean water, preferably at body temperature. Avoid using shower attachments - the water pressure can be dangerous. You can get douche bulbs online or from any good sex shop. Try not to go overboard and irritate the lining of your arse, as this can make you more vulnerable to STIs.

Get yourself relaxed with lots of foreplay like rimming or fingering. Some men do use amyl nitrate (poppers) to relax the muscles around their arse but there are two major health warnings. Poppers:
- Have been linked with an increased risk of HIV transmission.

- Don’t mix with erection drugs like Viagra and may cause a heart attack.

Deep breathing is far safer, helps you to relax and relaxes the arse too.

Find a position that suits the size, angle and curvature of your partner’s dick. Any position where your knees are bent and drawn into your chest, whether you are kneeling, lying on your back or on your side, will probably lead to more comfortable sex, or will be a good position to start from.

There’s no such thing as too much lube. It just makes everything more slippery, which isn’t a bad thing. Use water- or silicone-based lubricants if you're using latex condoms. Avoid any lube with nonoxynol-9. It irritates the lining of the arse, may make sex more painful and also increases your risk of HIV.

Look after your arse. You can't get a new one. So know your limits. With time you may be able to take larger objects but there's always a maximum size: about 4-5 inches diameter (the width of your pelvic opening).

Few cities make being hip, cool, fresh and inclusive look effortless. But Chicago is one of them.

The beautiful world class city of Illinois, which sits proudly on the blue shores of Lake Michigan, is home to 2.7 million people.

A gay cultural capital, at least 114,449 of them are LGBTQ.

Indeed, the Windy City’s reputation for being progressive is reflected by some of the famous names it’s produced.

Gay writer and queer rights campaigner Dan Savage was born here, as well as former POTUS Barack Obama.

The city is also known for its remarkable culinary scene – be sure to try the traditional deep dish pizza, like at Lou Malnati’s– and its long list of iconic attractions.

The Bean [pictured above] in Millennium Park and the 442m-tall Willis Tower, the second tallest in the States are just two of them.

Here are seven more reasons you need to visit the US’s coolest city, and the state it calls home, ASAP…

1. It’s genuinely one of the US’s gay-friendliest cities

It’s no wonder LGBTQ travelers feel so comfortable in Chicago, and more and more choose to visit over established gay capitals like San Francisco and New York City.

Chicago scored a perfect 100 in the the Human Rights Campaign Foundation’s Municipal Equality Index (MEI) last year. And in 2014, it was also voted the fifth gay-friendliest city in America in Vocativ’s Queer Index.

2. It’s home to the world’s greatest gayborhood, Boystown

Most gay ‘villages’ are really comprised of just a clutch of queer spaces in a tucked-away corner. Boystown, meanwhile, is an actual district. And its big.

The officially-recognized east Lakeview neighborhood is home to over 35 queer bars across Halsted St and Broadway. Places favoured by locals include Roscoe’s Tavern and Progress Bar. For more information, visit Boystown’s informative dedicated section on Enjoy Illinois’ official website.

You and your friends are making plans for this weekend, when an idea hits. Why not go to a gay bar? You’ve never been before, and not everyone in the group is queer, but they’re all supportive allies. You settle the plans with your group and everyone is excitedly getting ready. But you want to make sure you’re prepared-after all, it is your first time. This is our guide to going to a gay bar for beginners who don’t know exactly what to expect.

1. Your straight/ally friends can come too.

Across the board, everyone we have talked to about gay bars echoes one thing: straight friends and allies are definitely welcome, as long as they’re comfortable coming along.

Lucy Hallowell, a writer for AfterEllen, says that allies just need to remember to respect queer spaces.“I think the main thing to remember if you are an ally in a queer space is that this space is not for you,” she says. 

Basically, if you're a straight girl and a guy asks you to dance, don't take advantage of the location by pretending to be in a relationship with another girl. Also remember to be respectful of everyone in the bar, because there's a good chance you'll see varying sexualities and gender identities, along with people dressed in drag. 

It’s important to also remember that if you’re planning on bringing someone, you should make sure they feel comfortable around queer people.

“I would only bring people you know would be comfortable,” says Sara*, a recent graduate of Westfield State University. “Don't try to bring someone to a gay bar to ‘change their mind’ about or ‘desensitize them’ to LGBTQ+ culture, life or people. Leave the negativity at home.”

As long as your straight ally friends want to go and feel completely comfortable, they are most definitely welcome.

2. You can go just to make friends

You don’t have to be on the lookout for a new significant other to go to a gay or lesbian bar. You can go just to make friends.

Bailey Winter, a senior at Columbia University, says that she’s met a few friends at events held at the gay bar she usually goes to. “I’ve talked to people at drag shows, and Halloween parties,” she says. “I’ve also met queer people on campus at QSA events and then we all decided to go to a gay bar after. It’s a great place to bring new friends if you don’t know what else to do.”

It’s worth striking up a conversation with someone at a gay bar who seems cool. Compliment their outfit, or ask what school they’re from, and see where it goes. You never know who will make a great friend down the road.

However, Jonathan Major, a first year graduate student at Bay Path University, says that he’s had trouble in the past with meeting new people at gay bars.

“[Something] I've noticed about the gay bar is how there is no mingling,” he says about the gay bar he usually went to in undergrad. “This is most likely because of everyone just wanting to stay with their friends.”

It may not necessarily be the ideal place to meet new people, but it's definitely worth a shot!

You've probably heard the phrase "Nice guys finish last" and perhaps you've experienced it as you watch pushy, inconsiderate guys get the job you want or get the romantic attention of someone you've been pining for. It doesn't seem fair, does it? There's nothing wrong with being nice, but when you're so nice to everyone that you stop being nice to yourself, your efforts can backfire. Here are some ways to show people that you value yourself and that they should value you, too.

1. Know the signs of being a "Nice Guy".

- They believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, that they will get happiness, love and fulfillment in return.
- They offer to do things for a girl they hardly know that they wouldn’t normally do for just anybody else they know.
- They avoid conflict by withholding their opinions or even become agreeable with her when they don’t actually agree.
- They try to fix and take care of her problems, they are drawn to trying to help.
- They seek approval from others.
- They try to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
- They are always looking for the “right” way to do things.
- They tend to analyze rather than feel.
- They have difficulty making their needs a priority.
- They are often emotionally dependent on their partner.

2. Stop being a people pleaser. 

Don't bend over backwards to accommodate everyone except yourself. If you identify with the "nice guy" dilemma, you're probably a kind person who loves to help people, and that's wonderful. But don't be so humble that you become a slave to everyone else's needs and expectations. It's healthy to have your own needs and goals, and to fulfill them and help others at the same time, without putting someone else's priorities way above yours. Avoid "parasitic" relationships where you give, give, give and never get. Strive to form mutually beneficial relationships.

- Learn to say no. When people ask you to do something that you don't feel comfortable doing, for whatever reason, you have every right to decline. If you find yourself saying yes without considering your time or desire to help, get in the habit of saying, "Let me check my schedule and get back with you." This will give you a chance to reflect on your availability and rehearse how you will tell them "no". There are manipulative people in the world who will make you feel guilty (in a very subtle way). Learn how to recognize a controlling or manipulative relationship and break the pattern.

- Use nonviolent communication to convey your discomfort, concerns or needs. Some people are taught that it's not nice to say anything negative, but the fact is that there are conflicts in life and they need to be addressed in order to be resolved so we can have healthy, balanced and happy relationships. By learning gentle communication skills, such as giving a feedback sandwich, you'll feel much better about discussing topics that you would normally avoid.

3. Stop agreeing with everyone and everything.

That doesn't mean that you should disagree or argue for its own sake, but you're your own person with your own opinions and preferences. If you find yourself agreeing with everyone, you might be undercutting your individuality. Think for yourself and speak up. Not every disagreement is an argument, and a difference of opinion can sometimes lead to interesting discussion in which you learn a great deal about how a person thinks and how they feel about a lot of things.

Dr. Nicholas O. Rule believes the answer is yes.

I try to abstain from making assumptions about the sex life of other people – because sometimes looks can be deceiving. The little old lady pushing her grocery cart might, against all expectations, like it rough in the sack. The burly, catcalling construction worker could enjoy chamomile cuddle sessions with his special someone rather than jackhammering any piece of tail that walks by. Everyone has sex – except nuns and rollerbladers – and outward appearances aren’t always a reliable window into a person’s intimate preferences. At least that’s what I’ve always thought.

After reading a paper from researchers at the University of Toronto, which was released last month, I might have to rethink that position. Dr. Nicholas O. Rule and Konstantin Tskhay asked 23 people to guess the sexual inclinations of 200 gay men based on neutral photographs of their faces. 

Gay men, scientists have shown, tend to self-identify as one of three sexual types: “top”, taking on the insertive role; “bottom”, being a receiver; and “versatile”, enjoying both sexual roles. It’s also been documented that sexual preferences tend to align with stereotypical gender dynamics; in general, tops tend to be dominant and masculine, while bottoms are more inclined to be submissive and effeminate. It seems pretty clichéd if you ask me, but I guess we all have to live under the patriarchy.

The researchers were testing whether there is a correspondence between the physical markers of masculinity, like facial hair and strong features, and self-professed sexual preference. Nicholas and Konstantin’s study gathered pictures of 200 men, half tops and half bottoms, and showed them to 16 men and seven women selected randomly from Amazon’s mTurk. It turned out that even when faces were taken completely out of context, the study participants were able to guess the men’s preferences at a rate better than chance. All this suggests that our desires might not be as private or unpredictable as we like to think.

Or it means jack shit, because the sample size was so insanely small.

Overall, Nicholas and Konstantin’s paper elicits more questions than it answers. In the study, participants tended to name more tops than bottoms, revealing an innate gender bias toward identifying men of any sexuality with the dominant role. That issue brings up some chicken-and-the-egg questions about the spectrum of “masculinity”. Does its perception dictate the sexual role in gay as well as straight relationships, or is it a reflection of a particular inclination? Does it mean that masculinity, a cultural and biological construction, is observable in the human face? I spoke to Nicholas about his past research on women’s gaydar, perceptions of masculinity and how you might be able to guess what a dude likes by looking at his face.

Desperate to meet someone when he was a teenager, this man put himself in a vulnerable position in a stranger’s car.

A gay man has recounted a disturbing encounter he had when he was just 15 and met up with a guy he chatted with online.

Matt Beierschmitt, from New Jersey, tells the story in a new video from I’m From Driftwood.

He wants to remind other young LGBTI people to be extra careful when they arrange to meet up with strangers. Preferably, they should seek out safe spaces to meet with like-minded peers.

‘I wanted to just have a connection with somebody’

Matt says that he was chatting to men in an AOL chatroom. This was in the mid-90s – before apps, social networks and instant messaging. His family didn’t know that he was talking to guys online.

‘I’m in the male-for-male chat room and I’m talking to this guy.

‘I’m 15. He’s probably in his thirties and no one knows my age – I’m telling them I’m older.

‘This guy is very eager to meet me and very – just kinda gave me negative vibes but I’m desperate to meet somebody. I wanted to just have a connection with somebody.

‘I take a kitchen knife with me just to be safe’

‘So I just have a really weird feeling about him, so before I go to meet him, I literally have to like sneak out of my parents’ house. I take a kitchen knife with me just to be safe.

‘It was one of the wood-handled kitchen knives that wouldn’t cut a carrot but I thought it would kill somebody.’

Matt snuck out of his house through his bedroom window and met the stranger close to a nearby river. He didn’t have a cell phone so just arranged to meet, went to the arranged point and waited for the man to show up in his car.

‘So he picks me up and we drive to one of the parking lots on the river. And it’s dark and, you know, I’m not really into him. He’s not hideous, but just not really into him and, you know, he’s into me, and I’ve already come all this way.

‘So I feel obligated to do something so I end up fooling around with the guy. I was a little nervous but we end up fooling around maybe 10 minutes. Afterwards I get out the car immediately and I just start heading home.

Are you in a gay relationship? Is your relationship fairly new? Do you find it difficult at times to navigate the world of dating as a freshly minted gay couple? If so, you are not alone. Many gay men struggle with making their relationship a success, particularly during that first critical year of being together. In fact, the unique dating challenges facing gay men are a major reason why so many gay couples don’t make it and end up breaking up.

So why do so many gay men find difficulty with dating one another successfully? What is it about gay relationships that are so unique? How can you maximize the chances of entering into a long term relationship with another man and avoid unnecessary pitfalls?

This article will offer 7 big mistakes gay couples make during the first year of a relationship. Concrete information is offered from relationship experts who have keen insight into the world of gay dating and romance. Tools and resources are offered as a way of helping you avoid the mistakes listed here and become better educated on the entire world of gay dating.

Disclaimer: The list of big mistakes new gay couples make is not intended to cover everything. What you see here, however, are some of the “biggies” as identified by our Chicago counseling professionals.

Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!!!

1. Dating too soon too fast

Some gay men decide to enter into a relationship with one another without first letting the wounds from the previous relationship heal. This is particularly true for individuals who recently broke up with someone after a long-term gay relationship.

Defining a long-term relationship can be subjective however; a general rule of thumb is any intimate relationship that lasts 2-years. The key to knowing if the person is ready for a new relationship is by assessing how long the guy has been single.

Here are some additional ways of knowing someone if someone is relationship ready:
- He continually talks about his ex.
- He (or you) is not emotionally available.
- One or both of you try to re-create a relationship with an ex.

2. Continuing to frequent gay bars

When two gay men start dating one another, there is a propensity to engage in activities that are familiar. Specifically, we are talking about visiting bars and nightclubs on a regular basis. While there is nothing wrong with the occasional night out, frequent visits to clubs can cause major problems.

Here’s why:
- Sends the message to others that one or both of you are available.
- Increased attention seeking from a place of competition.
- Impaired judgment due to potential over-drinking.
- One or both parties getting “hit on” which can cause jealousy.

Guys Do You Know Your Body Shape?

Right, before we go any further, let me ask you one question: What’s your body shape, and do you know how to dress it? Why should I bother, you ask? And what’s the big deal about body shapes? Besides, that’s for women. Well…the answer to these questions could explain why so many guys simply have no clue what’s going on in their wardrobes. Many just can’t seem to fathom why no matter how hard they try, just never seem to be able to make any impact when they dress.

Knowing your body shape is very important because when you know your body shape, that’s when you’re able to properly and accurately choose what clothes look good on you, while avoiding those which either don’t flatter your looks or worse still, make you look either too fat, skinny or too big on top (or bottom). When you begin to dress according to your body shape, the result is that not only will your MQ (macho quotient ) increase (every guys dream), but your self-confidence will also receive a boost because you feel GOOD about yourself. This means you look good, and you know it!

Ok. In a nutshell, here are the main reasons why you should know your true body shape:
- Help draw attention to your best features: remember the goal here is to maximise your MQ.
- Play down your less positive features or areas of your body that you may want to hide e.g. a big tummy, popularly known as beer belly.
- Save time when shopping. Most guys hate shopping for clothes anyway, so knowing your body shape is actually good news, because it cuts down the torture time shopping in half, and helps you eliminate 75% of the clothing you see in the store because you don’t want to waste your time on clothes you already know won’t look good on you.

While this is advice for those who identify as “bottoms,” anyone who has anal sex should have an understanding of the process involved in successful bottoming. It will help you be a better “top” and positively affect overall sexual experiences.

The act of bottoming is a true art, and whether it’s your first attempt or you’ve been experimenting with it for quite some time, analyzing your readiness and the proper techniques not only allow you to reach heightened sexual pleasure, but also enable safe and enduring practices.

If you’ve never tried bottoming, but you’re curious, let’s just address straight away that it won’t always just happen right then and there. Successful and pleasurable bottoming takes time and practice through dilation exercises, training of your self-awareness, and control of the pelvic floor.

The good news? Bottoming shouldn’t hurt. Of course, it may be uncomfortable at first and you might initially question how there could ever be pleasure in it - something that happens with vaginal sex the first time as well - but like anything it takes practice, patience, and following a few simple guidelines to enhance this sexual practice. I often tell patients that great bottoms have been doing it for quite some time, with many first experiencing it in their youth. Unfortunately, no one showed us the right way to bottom in our high school sexual education class. Still, it’s never too late to learn, and we all enjoy new and positive sexual experiences. Here’s my 101 guide to bottoming:

Begin with dilation: 

Get yourself an anal trainer kit and start training for dilation two to three times a week (for as little as five minutes each time). Use a water-based lubricant and start with the smallest plug. Insert just to the point of pressure. Hold it there for a few seconds, then try to engage the muscles. Allow yourself to relax before removing the plug, then re-lubricate and re-insert to the point of pressure. Repeating this process will prove successful over time, so don’t get discouraged if the first time you only get a small portion of the tip in. Repeat the process three to five times. The key is to remember there are three sets of muscles that need to relax for a successful entry. 

As I stood in my underwear and a headpiece made from stockings, “Betty,” a six-foot drag queen with a red bob that matched her thigh-high boots, spent two hours grooming me into the sparkliest Cleopatra-clone possible. And then I got up on stage at Lucky Cheng’s cabaret in New York City, and officiated the marriage of Eduardo Chan and Israel Hornedo.
Chan and Hornedo had contacted me the month prior after reading a story I’d written about wanting to oversee same-sex marriages once they were legal in New York. As soon as I agreed to marry them, the couple began planning their big day.

The event was laced with standard wedding components: emotional toasts, embarrassing stories told by tipsy friends, cake-cutting and first dances. But there were also penis-shaped balloons, transvestite servers and outrageously dirty jokes.

After the last tequila shots had been downed, I wondered whether Chan and Hornedo’s union would mimic their ceremony in all of its unique glory, or whether they would live by traditional doctrines of marriage-namely, monogamy.

Straight people interested in family building are encouraged by society to find love, marry (especially if they’re knocked up already), cohabitate, reproduce, and strive to be faithful for all eternity. But such a relationship blueprint-which, for most straight people, has been ingrained since childhood-does not exist for gays and lesbians.

Now that nine U.S. states have legalized same-sex marriage, President Obama has evolved into an overt supporter of LGBT rights, and Bill Clinton has renounced the infamous Defense of Marriage Act, matrimony is getting a much-needed overhaul. Still, we’re left with a question: Because same-sex marriage has been forbidden for so long, there are no established social norms defining it. So as the institution widely considered the cornerstone of American family life evolves, are same-sex couples adopting monogamy, or are they creating their own rules?

Writer and activist Peter McGraith married his partner David in the first ceremony conducted under the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Act 2013 covering most of the UK. Here, he asks what effect it's had on gay and lesbian couples - and on marriage itself.

Do we care if marriage equality contributes to the demise of gay culture, identity and community?

I do.

We should consider what might be lost, as well as gained, if a new generation of gay men and lesbians were to rush into marriages without firstly having experienced that blast of emancipation that follows on from the realisation that you are that thing that some people loathe or pity and you feel utterly thrilled with it.

Peter McGraith and his partner David Cabreza at their wedding in March 2014

This experience of asserting a positive identity, outside of mainstream sexual morality, makes us question what we've been taught about gender, social hierarchies, religion, the family and the impropriety of sex. And perhaps it encourages us to have mature, rational and honest relationships.

Over 50% of gay men's relationships are sexually non-exclusive, while lesbian women are more typically wedded to serial monogamy, which, to the surprise of some, can lead to its own problems.

A Ministry of Justice response to my Freedom of Information request for same-sex divorce statistics provides an early indication of a probable trend. For every gay male couple that filed a divorce petition, 3.2 female couples did so.

Over recent years, civil partnership dissolutions of lesbian couples have held steady at roughly twice the level of gay men's civil partnership dissolutions.

This concerns lesbian comedian and writer Rosie Wilby, who has researched attitudes to monogamy and open relationships for her stand-up shows.

"Straight women tend to have the luxury of having a female best friend, alongside a male partner," she says.

"Lesbians are expected to be best friends with their partner, so there's a whole heap more expectation on just one person. Then you lose that best friend every three or so years."

Rosie worries about the mental health and financial implications of lesbian women striving too hard for an emotional and sexual monogamy - for a perfect marriage.

In 2005, 1,227 couples formed civil partnerships in the first three days of the Civil Partnership Act. By comparison, only 98 gay and lesbian couples married in the first three days of marriage equality in England and Wales.

Men: A change in thinking may improve your sex life. Get the details on seven common mistakes guys make with women, and learn how to avoid them.

1. Sex Starts in the Bedroom

Men may turn on like a light, but for women (or gay bottom), arousal doesn’t happen so fast, says sex therapist Ian Kerner, PhD.

Pave the way during the day by hugging, kissing, and holding hands. Have some fun together, and show you appreciate her.

Feeling safe and secure in the relationship is key for a woman to really let loose during sex, Kerner says. A long hug can go further than you’d think. “Hugging for 30 seconds stimulates oxytocin, the hormone in women (or gay bottom) that creates a sense of connection and trust.”

2. Assume You Know What She Wants

“Just as many women (or gay bottom) are faking orgasm today as 20 or 30 years ago,” Kerner says. So, if she/he’s not enjoying herself, you might not know it.

Organizers are promising music, dancing and 'lots of frolicking in the bushes'.

A group of gay men are planning on hosting an open-air celebration of the life of George Michael on Hampstead Heath this Saturday.

Pop legend Michael died on Christmas Day, aged 53. Although he had well-known battles with drug addiction during his life, his death was ruled to be due to natural causes. He was buried last week in Highgate Cemetery.

George Michael

George was outed after being arrested in a public toilet in Los Angeles in 1998. His response was to release outdoor sex anthem, Outside, endearing him to many gay men.