I know, I know. You don’t have to sleep with anyone to know whom you’re attracted to, and, at least in many Western cultures, you can sleep with whomever you want and call yourself whatever you like. We’d be foolish to think, though, that judgment wasn’t placed on us by ourselves and others based on how we self-identify and how closely that aligns with our actual behaviors.

Where is the line between fantasy, desire, bedroom behavior, and identity, and who gets to draw it?

Even the most enlightened among us have probably placed judgment on someone at some point for not “owning up” to their preferences: the politician who keeps a coiffed trophy wife around to maintain his “electability status” but sleeps with same-sex prostitutes in secret; the straight guy who throws homophobic slurs but flirts with men when he’s had more than four beers; the straight housewife who fantasizes about scoring with the other soccer moms and was never in love with her husband. Less overt examples that seem to stir the pot include the self-identified bisexual who sleeps mostly with same-sex partners, and the woman who sleeps exclusively with men but wears more rainbow gear than the NYC pride parade and talks about gay rights like she’s part of the marginalized cohort.

Around dinner tables and happy-hour beers, under our breath and between the sheets with our lovers, we place pressure on ourselves and others to be “true” to whom we say we are - and we feel uneasy when the sum isn’t reflective of all the parts. There’s a visceral reaction many of us have, however right or wrong, when we see someone breaking the rules of engagement between sexual identity and behavior that we’ve come to know and play by.

Why Do We Care?

Is a gold-star lesbian a more “authentic” lesbian than one who’s slept with multiple men? Is a self-identified lesbian who has sex with more men than women an imposter? How many times can a self-proclaimed bisexual sleep with someone of the same sex before others start to whisper that his identity is being worn like a protective veil and that he’s gay and afraid to admit it?

Is sexual identity more about attraction or politics? What about the social, emotional, mental, and physical factors, and can any of these ever really be separated? What’s the difference between the labels you assign (or don’t) to yourself and how others perceive you? Are you “allowed” to get a share with the boys in Fire Island Pines if you’re straight? Are you “permitted” to keep a straight partner whom you’re not sexually attracted to in order to maintain an outward heterosexual lifestyle? And why does it bother us so much when someone seems to violate those rules we’ve all silently agreed on?

The small township of Bourke in far western New South Wales is a small speck of dust swimming in a vast ocean of ruby red dirt and is home to the Barkindji people since time immemorial.

Every summer a wave of heat unfurls over the region, coming in from a flat scrub thick with twisted saltbush and gum trees.

I was born and bred on this magnificent country, and summertime is one of my most cherished memories.

The other memory that I hold from my childhood is not as endearing. Often it’s a nightmare that still wakes me in a cold sweat in the dead of night. 

It’s the memory of feeling like an alien in the country that my ancestors have been caretakers of for millennia. Of not feeling like a man, or what I thought an Aboriginal man was supposed to be.

I vividly remember starting to be attracted to other boys when I was around 12 years old. It was a feeling that made my blood run cold.

I often thought of death through my teenage years. The thought of being gay was almost too much to bear. I used to imagine all the ways I could kill myself, every conceivable scenario, what I would write on my suicide note. There was a dark jungle of confusion inside me and I couldn’t see my way clear of it.

I stood alone, frozen with fear, for a very long time at the intersection of racism and homophobia.

“Abo, faggot, poofter, coon, half-caste.” I was singled out by all and still carry scars left by volleys of verbal shots levelled at me by angry boys and men throughout those years. Even now, as I write this, a tear balloons in the corner of my eye.

It wasn’t until I moved to Sydney that I found freedom among the concrete towers and in the loving embrace of older staunch gay black men, women and sistergirls. They taught me I was exactly how I was meant to be, that we have existed in our beautiful culture since the very beginning.

Many of them have since passed, gone too young and without social acceptance. They were giants in my eyes, and I stand on their shoulders, but the pain was too much for them. I miss them dearly.

This is a useful article that I came across in relation to sexual confusion and sexual identity … in particular the process of ‘coming out’.

The checklist is interesting … ask yourselves these questions below to help gain clarification if you may be gay. I’m not sure that each question in it’s own right is sufficient, but the author does suggest that the threshold is answering 5 or more with ‘yes’. Either way, the questions are valid and should provide an opportunity for some personal reflection.

The coming out story is also useful as it touches on one man’s relationship with, and his experience of coming out to, his father.

Coming Out – Overcoming the Guilt Factor

Is guilt about your sexual identity causing problems in your life? If so, answer the following questions to see if guilt over claiming your sexual identity may be limiting your ability to live a satisfying life:

- Do you long to tell someone important in your life, (your parents, a friend, a sibling, or a colleague) that you are gay?

- Are you sick and tired of pretending to be heterosexual?

- Have you chastised yourself for being attracted to those of the same gender?

- Have you had heterosexual relationships in an effort to “make yourself straight”?

- Have you been attracted to the same gender for as long as you can remember?

- When you watch a love scene in a movie, are you attracted to the character who’s the same gender as you?

- Have you tried to squelch your same-sex attraction in every way you know how, but to no avail?

- Do openly gay or lesbian individuals or couples make you envious?

- Have you visited a place where homosexuality is acceptable, just to see what it felt like to be in an atmosphere of tolerance? (For example: a bar or club; a party or social gathering; a religious community; a town, city, or country.

- Have you had a sexual relationship with a same-sex partner?

- Are you drawn to books and movies about same-sex relationships?

- Do you fantasize about being out?

- Are you irresistibly drawn to members of the same sex?

- Do you often think that your life is a lie?

- Do you fantasize about same-sex relationships?

- Do you think God is displeased with you or will punish you because of your same-sex attractions?

- Do you wish you lived someplace where homosexuality was more acceptable?

- Are you in a heterosexual marriage or relationship but know you’re gay or lesbian?

If you answered yes to five or more questions, it is likely that you are gay or lesbian and feel guilty about claiming your sexuality.

As you can see, some questions in the quiz are aimed at people who aren’t sure whether they’re gay, and some questions are for those who do know but keep it a secret out of guilt. The quiz is structured that way because the guilt of same-sex attraction can obscure the truth and cause people to doubt what they think or feel. Many people who find themselves irresistibly drawn to members of the same sex feel so guilty about it that they become experts at hiding it from themselves.

I have worked with a number of people who sought my counsel because they didn’t know whether or not they were gay. In almost every case, the guilt of acknowledging their homosexuality was so great that it took therapy to help them break through it.

It is important to say that in the case of acknowledging homosexuality, guilt is not the only culprit. Shame can also be operative.

Guilt is feeling wrong or bad about what we do or do not do, and shame is feeling wrong or bad about who we are. Since sexuality is an integral part of our identity, people who have same-sex attraction often feel bad or wrong about who they are as human beings. When toxic guilt and shame are both active, it is an all-out attack on a person’s positive sense of self.

Sex is a part of human nature, and boy am I glad it is! You know I love me some good sex, but you might be surprised to know that sex is more than just a release of tension and a display of intimacy. Depending on your likes and preferences, it can be a pretty accurate description of who you are as a person. And let’s face it, we’re all pretty f**ked up so we might as well get f**ked down.

Aren’t you sick of vanilla sex? If you’re married, the last thing you want is to repeat the same moves over and over again like a broken record. Till death do us part, sure, but death might come a little faster than you expected unless you change it up from time to time. Deep down, sex is a mirror. It can reveal to us intimate things we might never have known about ourselves. So let’s talk about it!

1. Man On Top

Depending on whether you’re riding the bull or not says a lot about how you view the world. Do you believe in hard work or not? If you’re the one pulling up a sweat doing that power bottom thang you do, that’s some heavy devotion. But if you’re lying on your back, sure the view might be nice, but help a brother out from time to time! Are you used to having everything being handed to you on a silver platter? It’s clear where the balance of the relationship is. Don’t get me wrong, I love to ride my bull all night long – but I always expect to get something in return. My sweat don’t come free.

2. Missionary

There’s nothing wrong with playing by the rules, but are you letting it get in the way of taking chances? Are you always getting the same kind of drink when you go to a coffee shop? Are you always getting chicken when you go to a Chinese restaurant? Start taking risks. Sure missionary is a very intimate way of looking lovingly into the eyes of your partner, but hey, you already know what he looks like. It’s nice to let intimacy be the top priority in sex, but never let it become a barrier towards new discoveries. Chances are, you like to see the good things in life. Optimistic are you, eh? Well… be careful your optimism doesn’t turn into naivety.

3. Mirror Sex

You like to look at yourself not just to see if you’re doing it right, but also… you look damn good. Maybe you should be having sex with yourself then. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a bad thing at all. In fact I think it’s quite a turn on, but let’s face it, you want to see what your ass looks like when it’s spread eagle. You probably take it to other levels too like role play, dirty outfits and, dare I say, sex taping. You love to spend your paycheck on hair product and private training sessions, don’t ya? Nothing wrong with that, but make sure you don’t lose track of everything else. Like the guy you’re having sex with… remember him? Yeah.

The mail said if same-sex marriage is legalized, women will be more likely to be raped in public toilets.

Benedict Brook is a Sydney-based journalist who has been in a relationship with his partner Cameron for more than 10 years.

Here he shares their reaction to receiving an anti-marriage equality leaflet in the mail during Australia’s postal survey on the issue.

(Sydney couple Benedict and Cameron came up with the best response to homophobic hate mail)

Benedict and Cam’s story

Lying among a pile of envelopes on the living room table, it looked innocent enough.

Between a bill and a magazine, it was a just another plain piece of paper. Photocopied, black and white with Chinese text on one side, English on the other.

I live in a diverse area of Sydney, and our household often gets pamphlets in different languages. Perhaps it was something from the council, I thought? Maybe our rubbish collection day was changing?

No, it was something far more insidious. It masqueraded as a campaign letter for the same-sex marriage debate. But in reality it was something else - it was homophobic, and transphobic, hate mail.

I’ve been reporting on LGBTI issues for 20 years - I’ve been gay even longer - so I’m pretty thick skinned when it comes to this kind of stuff.

But this piece of paper was something else. It said that if my relationship, a relationship I’ve been in for more than a decade, were recognised as marriage then women would be raped in public toilets. I kid you not.

Here is the actual sentence from the leaflet. ‘The number of victims being raped in public female bathrooms in those countries that has passed the same-sex marriage law is a stunning fact to all.’

It’s not a ‘stunning fact to all’. It’s garbage. It’s a lie meant to smear gay Australians and scare my neighbours into voting no. Voting that is happening right now.

That was not the only objectionable item in the letter that was posted across my suburb. Lines about ‘homosexuality being the curse of death’ and terminating ‘the family bloodline’ as if gay people will suddenly turn straight and push out some kids if marriage is denied them.

But the rape bit, that was the real kick in the guts.

From the coffee shop to the research lab, people have been trying to figure out why men are gay for years. Are people born gay or do these feelings develop over time? It's still a mystery, but that doesn't stop researchers and laymen alike from asking if our environments are to blame, as if being gay is an affliction that needs to be solved like a cycle of poverty.

Some psychologists and ex-gay therapy groups often throw in the claim that gay men long for other men out of a subconscious need to connect with an absent or lacking father.

According to theories, this "father hunger" is so strong that gay men deny their "natural" attractions and head toward the boy's room.

(illustrating image)

I'm no psychologist, but the idea of father hunger sounds plausible given the number of subconscious actions we take based on environmental influences. Like other cognitive imbalances - if you can call them that - same-sex attraction can be cured through therapy, right? Let me answer before I'm misquoted (again) by anti-gay groups: Not a chance!

What's Not Being Said

Theories about your sexuality and underlying urges to have a relationship with your father neglect to mention one key component: Straight men also have daddy issues that affect their lives well into adulthood.

Straightguise.com wrote of the work of author, psychotherapist and relationship expert Terrance Real. Real shaped a model of therapy called Relational Empowerment Therapy. The RET model suggests that when men embrace their innate ability to give and receive intimacy, they're better able to care for themselves and their partners.

Real's work focuses mainly on male-female relationships, but his study of straight men and father issues is key to knocking back claims that fatherless environments - both literal and figurative - breed gay men.

Take what Straightguise.com writes about Real's narrative book :

"It illustrates that straight men have problems with their fathers similar to those that gay men face. In other words, the father issues gay men face have little to do with being gay, but everything to do with growing up males without appropriate father figures."

Sex is almost like a fine wine; it just gets better with time and age. It is the same with men and sex. Most men, in the beginning of their sexual history, are inexperienced but always trying to figure out new methods to help their partners have better orgasms. The same goes for women. It takes a while before a woman is in touch with her sexuality and is comfortable exploring and learning what makes her cum harder.

Men with lots of experience in bed

Even men that have had several women in bed can really suck. It just happens! The reason is likely that they are selfish in bed and only care about themselves and blowing their load. They never take the time to see what the woman wants or likes. However, there are men that have had several women and have made sex an art form. These are the men that are going to be insanely good in bed. Not only do they know all about oral sex, but they know just how to find the G-spot. That can make sex explosive. You know you have had explosive sex when you just lie there afterward, basking in a glow of sweat. Experience comes with practice and age, so don’t get discouraged if you are young. Take the time to know your partner and listen to any requests. You won’t be sorry.

Body image is vital

When a woman is in bed naked, she is already frightened about her body. When a man slides in next to a woman, the most important thing he can do is make her feel beautiful and sexy. Even if a woman has a few extra pounds, a man has to treat her as if she is the sexiest woman in the world. Doing this opens a new world of sexual exploration. The whole weight issue is thrown out the window, and the woman will love sex with her partner even more. Most women will never say exactly how they feel, so immediately start kissing her all over her body. She won’t even be able to digest her insecurities, because she will already be getting aroused.

After last week’s leaked document to the Guardian suggesting post-Brexit immigration policy will dramatically refocus policy to put British workers first – Adam Benghiat is worried.

He’s a 27-year-old French national who grew up just south of Paris in Brie-Comte-Robert and now lives in Bedford.

Since the Brexit vote, he’s been living in a growing sense of fear that sooner rather than later, ‘things are going to be way more difficult for me.’

He says watching news about last week’s leaked document was particularly terrifying. Speaking to Gay Star News he says:

‘After the referendum and David Cameron’s resignation, and even still a few months ago, I genuinely thought the government was going to realize the mistake they had made.

‘But this document is indeed the proof that shit is getting real: and that’s super scary.’

Benghiat fears the politicians rhetoric will mean Brexit could see an increasing rise in hate towards Europeans.

‘They say they are going to “deter EU immigrants” What does that mean? What if they send people back to the border? Could it even mean encouraging British people to report EU Nationals suddenly illegally living in the UK?

‘This may end up all being an exaggeration. Or it may not. That’s what I fear: we don’t know.’

Today the Labour opposition is planning to oppose a key piece of legislation in front of the UK Government as part of Brexit.

If successful, it will start the process of ending the supremacy the EU has on British law by converting all existing EU laws into domestic UK ones.

However, Labour says they believe it amounts to a power grab, as Conservative ministers will be able to alter some laws without Parliamentary approval.

This all adds to the uncertainty and worry Benghiat feels.

Living in fear

This uncertainty is making it difficult for Benghiat and thousands of other LGBTI Europeans to plan for their future here.

Benghiat is an actor, so on a professional level, he fears acting agents will stop hiring foreign people.

‘When an agent offers you representation, it basically means they believe in you and they are going to invest in you, but after this many won’t take the risk of wasting their time and money on people who will evidently be refused some work because of their nationality.’

Are they paranoid we’re trying to seduce them? Are they jealous of our relationships with their girlfriends? Do they ever secretly wonder … what if? We asked one of them to find the answers.

He was standing in my doorway, his face flushed. He wouldn’t make eye contact. “I’ve got something I need to tell you,” he said, his voice shaky. I assumed he was going to tell me he couldn’t make rent. Or maybe that he’d taken money from me.

“I’m gay,” he said.

I just stared at him. I could tell he wanted me to say something; he looked like he was about to burst into flames. “I understand if you want me to move out,” he continued. I felt bad for him. I wanted to let him know that I wasn’t disgusted, or angry, or whatever else he might think my silence implied.

“But what about all those girls you said you banged?” I asked. The look on his face told me he wasn’t expecting that question.

“All guys.” He sounded cautious. I rolled his answer around in my mouth for a minute. The implications were staggering.

“And the married chick?”

(Illustrating image)

“He was a married guy.” I conjured an image of him, hunched over some guy whose poor wife was out of town. Then I laughed. And then so did he. It was understood that I was not upset, that he would not have to pack, and that the details could work themselves out later. And they did. We gradually slipped back into our routine. In the few weeks immediately following his coming out, though, my other two roommates and I clucked like hens.

“I said ‘fag,’ like, a hundred times around him. Do you think he’s pissed?”

“Me too! I said he looked gay when he was wearing those white pants.”

“Well, you were right.”

“Wait! He said he fucked that one girl on the couch when we were at the beach. Yo, man-two guys fucked each other on our couch!”

“Holy shit.”

Conversations between three men in their late twenties about their gay friend are eerily similar to conversations between boys in their early teens about girls. You’re not like us, you have cooties, and we gossip. For this article, I gossiped with every straight man I know about gay guys. I sat friends down in my living room, ambushed buddies on a snowboarding trip, recruited wives to corner their husbands in their kitchens. But truthfully, you come up in our conversations anyway. In the car one afternoon, entirely unprovoked, my friend Eric, who does tech support, offered this about a bar we frequent: “There were a bunch of gay couples at the Taproom. Downingtown is starting to come up.”

I think that’s a good place to begin. You are status symbols to us. Without thinking too much of it, we gauge the affluence of whatever place we’re sucking down beers in by the number of gay men we can pick out in the crowd. The food must be good; the place must be trendy, progressive, “coming up.” My brother Jon works in luxury retail, and contends that his gay clients have more expendable income and take better care of themselves. All the straight guys I spoke to agreed. Not a bad stereotype to live up to. And one of the benefits is that you attract women.

We have a few bugaboos, though. I’m not friends with anybody from the Westboro Baptist Church, so none of my buddies have anything outright malicious to say. But they agreed, almost unanimously, that overly flamboyant gay men are, to put it gently, hard to take. I’m not talking about crossing your legs at the knee or speaking like … well, like a gay guy. I’m talking about the fishnet tank-tops and cutoffs with pockets hanging out of the bottom. It has nothing to do with the fact that these guys are gay. It’s because-and I’m going to quote a friend here-“They’re acting like douchebags.” There were comparisons to the cast of Jersey Shore. It’s fine if your clothes say something about you, but your t-shirt shouldn’t literally say “I fuck dudes.” (That’s a real shirt. I’ve seen it.) The fact is, nobody likes anything rubbed in their face: not your religion, not your politics, not your vegan whatever, and most definitely not your bulging hot pants.Some of us are lucky enough to reap those rewards. My buddy Mike’s best friend growing up recently came out of the closet. Once the awkward “Are you in love with me?” question was put to bed (figuratively, of course), Mike put his buddy to work. “Girls love having gay guys around because they’re into fashion and they don’t feel threatened,” Mike says. “I actually ended up having sex with two chicks one night because he was my wingman. Whereas if he wasn’t gay, one of them would have been for him. So it was awesome.”

I’m scared of bottoming

Most gay men will consider bottoming at some time. However, the thought of doing it for the first time can be scary. Don’t let that put you off.

You may prefer to douche before bottoming, especially if indulging in deep arse play like fisting or with large dicks/toys. Use plain, clean water, preferably at body temperature. Avoid using shower attachments - the water pressure can be dangerous. You can get douche bulbs online or from any good sex shop. Try not to go overboard and irritate the lining of your arse, as this can make you more vulnerable to STIs.

Get yourself relaxed with lots of foreplay like rimming or fingering. Some men do use amyl nitrate (poppers) to relax the muscles around their arse but there are two major health warnings. Poppers:
- Have been linked with an increased risk of HIV transmission.
- Don’t mix with erection drugs like Viagra and may cause a heart attack.

Deep breathing is far safer, helps you to relax and relaxes the arse too.

Find a position that suits the size, angle and curvature of your partner’s dick. Any position where your knees are bent and drawn into your chest, whether you are kneeling, lying on your back or on your side, will probably lead to more comfortable sex, or will be a good position to start from.

There’s no such thing as too much lube. It just makes everything more slippery, which isn’t a bad thing. Use water- or silicone-based lubricants if you're using latex condoms. Avoid any lube with nonoxynol-9. It irritates the lining of the arse, may make sex more painful and also increases your risk of HIV.

Look after your arse. You can't get a new one. So know your limits. With time you may be able to take larger objects but there's always a maximum size: about 4-5 inches diameter (the width of your pelvic opening).

How can I be a great top?

Take your time and listen to your partner. This is as much about the emotional as the physical side. If he’s nervous, he might want reassuring that you’re not going to hurt him and that he’s in control.

Find out what he likes. For some guys, topping is about being dominant (and some bottoms like that), but for others, it’s a two-way street. Ask him how he likes it. Listen to his reactions too. If he’s making noises that suggest he's in pain, ease up a bit.

The first time you top, you may be a little anxious. This may make your erection less hard than usual. Relax – you're both there to enjoy yourselves. If you have erection problems, concentrate on something else like kissing for a while. (If getting or staying hard is a regular problem, see our section on ED on page 6.)

Our advice above on lubes and position apply as much to tops as to bottoms. Lube is essential when topping. If you have a bigger than average cock, any position where the cheeks of his arse can provide a buffer to your length (like him lying face down) will be a good bet until he’s used to it.

Remember: It’s not only bottoms at risk of HIV. Tops are at risk too, although it’s statistically less likely. Anal mucus can carry high concentrations of HIV, and the membrane just inside the tip of your cock and the foreskin can absorb that directly into the bloodstream if you fuck a guy's arse without a condom. You know the solution. Rubber up.

If there's one thing we all want more of, it's sex. No matter how good it is or how much you're having, all of us-men and women-would probably agree more would be better.

But we don't just want more, we want to try new things, act out our fantasies, be her best ever. And yet most of us continue to have the same old sex. Hey, at least we're getting some, right?

Guys, it's time to stop settling for mediocre sex lives. You deserve better.

Simply answer these 16 questions to figure out what's preventing you from having the sex you crave-and learn how to start having the best sex of your life.

How Often Do You Have Sex?

The average guy has sex about twice a week if he's married-a little less often (once) if he's single, a little more (three times) if he's single but shacking up.

If you're not hitting your number, work on your approach. In a University of New Orleans study, nearly 70 percent of men reported that when they initiate sex, they overestimate their partners' desire to get it on, most likely because they think women are like gas grills: Flick a switch and they get hot.

Talking to her-about work, family, the news-is the greatest aphrodisiac for a woman because it establishes a bond of sharing that she equates with romance. To you, it's conversation. To her, it's intimacy.

How Stressful Is Your Job?

You'd think stress would be as deflating to a sex life as a litter of puppies in the bedroom. But a stressful job (or even a dangerous one) involving some level of competition, as in law or sales, can actually improve it.

"Real competition can drive up testosterone, which boosts libido," says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of Why We Love. "Being amped up by a high-powered, high-stress job is more likely to make you more sexually active" than idling in a cushy, low-key career.

If work doesn't fire you up, seek a testosterone jolt in a recreational sports league. Men who get game increase testosterone levels by 15 percent, according to a Pennsylvania State University study. Even better, make her your steady doubles partner. The same study showed that women increased their libido-regulating testosterone by 49 percent during competition.

What Noises Does She Make?

A Kinsey Institute study found that nearly one-quarter of women reported some distress in their sexual relationships in the preceding month. One of the most common causes of dissatisfaction: boredom.

"The common denominator of satisfied couples is that they're very playful," says sex therapist Ava Cadell, Ph.D., author of The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Oral Sex. "My definition of sex is adult play. It should be fun and recreational. You should laugh and release all those pleasure endorphins. A sense of humor is an essential ingredient in great sex because it takes pressure off performance."

Toys = instant play. Shop together at a toy store (the kids' kind) for playthings you can bring into the bedroom. Imagine the possibilities with washable paint, masks, water pistols, and toy handcuffs.

On a Typical Night, We . . .

The average man's sex life stays the same or even improves once he ties the knot. To ensure this outcome, do what good pitchers do-throw changeups into your nightlife at least once a week.

"Novelty is good for sex, and I don't just mean novel sex. Novelty in your social life," Fisher says. It can be as simple as skipping dinner to play miniature golf or listening to a live band instead of the car radio. Anything that makes the start of your date less predictable can change up the ending, as well.

Can gay men and women become heterosexual?

A controversial new study says yes - if they really want to. Critics, though, say the study's subjects may be deluding themselves and that the subject group was scientifically invalid because many of them were referred by anti-gay religious groups.

Dr. Robert Spitzer, a psychiatry professor at Columbia University, said he began his study as a skeptic - believing, as major mental health organizations do, that sexual orientation cannot be changed, and attempts to do so can even cause harm.

(illustrating image)

But Spitzer's study, which has not yet been published or reviewed, seems to indicate otherwise. Spitzer says he spoke to 143 men and 57 women who say they changed their orientation from gay to straight, and concluded that 66 percent of the men and 44 percent of women reached what he called good heterosexual functioning - a sustained, loving heterosexual relationship within the past year and getting enough emotional satisfaction to rate at least a seven on a 10-point scale.
He said those who changed their orientation had satisfying heterosexual sex at least monthly and never or rarely thought of someone of the same sex during intercourse.

He also found that 89 percent of men and 95 percent of women were bothered not at all or only slightly by unwanted homosexual feelings. However, only 11 percent of men and 37 percent of women reported a complete absence of homosexual indicators.

"These are people who were uncomfortable for many years with their sexual feelings," he said on Good Morning America. But they managed to change those feelings, he added.

The study reopens the debate over "reparative therapy," or treatment to change sexual preference. Spitzer argues that highly motivated gays can in fact change that preference - with a lot of effort.

New Study, Old Debate

But critics have challenged the study, even before it was formally unveiled at today's session of the American Psychiatric Association's annual meeting in New Orleans, which was jammed with television cameras reporting on the presentation.

Another study presented today even contradicted the finding. Ariel Shidlo and Michael Shroeder, two psychologists in private practice in New York City, found that of 215 homosexual subjects who received therapy to change their sexual orientation, the majority failed to do so.

A small subset reported feeling helped.

That study has also not been published or reviewed.

Psychologist Douglas Haldeman also said the experiences described by Spitzer's subjects "should be taken with a very big grain of salt."

The people in Spitzer's sample, he said, may be fooling themselves.

"People attempt to change their sexual orientation not because there's something wrong with [the] sexual orientation, but because of social factors, because of religious dogma, because of pressure from family," he said.

"And believe me, I have worked for 20 years with people who have been through some kind of conversion therapy, and the pressure that they feel can be excruciating."

If we said that your diet can boost your sex appeal, what would you think? You’d probably imagine the positive cumulative effect of thoughtful choices on your waistline, abs, skin, hair and mood. All that, of course, is true. But certain foods can also play a role in your attractiveness in a much more immediate way - we’re talking about food’s effect on pheromones: the chemicals we excrete in our sweat, saliva and other body fluids that have a social or sexual effect.

Yes, by eating certain foods, men may invisibly broadcast that they’re worth getting to know, in the biblical sense. The hormones androstenone and androstenol, which give off scents that may attract others, exist in a handful of foods that can be found at any supermarket or restaurant. If you’re a man, try eating the following three, and see if anything interesting happens. If you’re a woman who finds a man inexplicably irresistible, check what he just ate.

1. Truffles

Pardon the visual, but there’s a reason that pigs hunt for truffles: They’re especially affected by androstenone and androstenol. In 1981, German researchers discovered that androstenol is produced by many varieties of the subterranean fungus considered a delicacy. (In fact, The New York Times reported that people who use sows to hunt for truffles “often find it hard to prevent a sex-crazed animal from eating the truffle she has found, and may lose fingers in the attempt.”)

Truffles themselves are devilish pricey - selling for about $100 per ounce - but truffle oil also contains the pheromones, and it’s part of the esteemed Mediterranean diet. Give it a whirl yourself, but be warned: 25% of people can’t detect androstenone, and 40% of people are too sensitive to androstenol and find it foul smelling. The remaining 35% may find you wildly attractive. Research from Rockefeller University, revealed that this is mostly due to to genetic variations in a single odorant receptor called OR7D4. So now you know.

2. Parsnips

The third food with high concentrations of androstenol are parsnips, the long, ugly, light brown veggies that taste like a carrot-potato hybrid. Far cheaper than truffles, parsnips have the added advantage of containing boron, which has been shown to help the body metabolize and use estrogen and enhance blood levels of testosterone. Plus, root vegetables like parsnips are rich in folate, as well as vitamins A and C, and studies have found they boost blood flow to the brain.

3. Celery

Nutritionally, there’s a lot to be said for celery. It’s high in fiber, and digesting it causes your body to work harder and expend more calories than most foods. It’s also a great source of vitamin K, folate, potassium and manganese. But beyond all that, every stalk is packed with androstenone and androstenol. “When you chew a stalk of celery, you release androstenone and androstenol odor molecules into your mouth. They then travel up the back of your throat to your nose," says Alan Hirsch, MD, author of Scentsational Sex. "Once there, the pheromones boost your arousal, turning you on and causing your body to send off scents and signals that make you more desirable to women." Men, you could do worse than ordering a Bloody Mary at brunch, and you won’t have to wait long before the celery takes effect. The pheromones are released immediately, says Hirsch.

Want to find the real love experts? Go to your nearest leather bar.

When a guy slides his hand in your ass, holding your body, guiding you through your fears and emotions, coaxing your hole to relax and open, something beautiful happens. You lock eyes, you sync, you take him in, and he’s fisting you. Fisting requires the basic tool kit of love: chemistry, communication, intimacy, trust. You need these to make any relationship work. In a good fist session, power dynamics disappear. You become equals, complicit in this rule-defying, animal act of pleasure. You take a leap with someone and trust them, at least a little bit, to be good to you. Fisting is one of many “alternative” sex practices (kinks) celebrated in the world of leather, rubber, and BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism). I started this dark, leathery journey a few years ago, seeking sex with sexy people. Along the way I found humbling and beautiful lessons in love, devotion, forgiveness, support, and care. Want to find the real love experts? Go to your nearest leather bar. Here are 15 lessons in love I learned from kink.

1. There’s no such thing as the “right” relationship. 

A common lie we’ve all been told at some point is that you have to find the “right” one - and that everyone you date until them are the “wrong” ones. Love is a not a hunt for someone to complete your life or make you whole. You’re already complete. Others come along and share time for a little while. That’s love. You share your story with them until it’s time to part ways. You’ll share it with more people in the future. Often we share it with many people simultaneously (polyamorous relationships, multiple lovers, great friends). Some of these people may teach you how to fuck well. Others may show you how to be a supportive partner. One may help you through your HIV diagnosis. Another may help you through a painful death. No one needs prominence. No one is “the one.” They’re all important. Kink is a community where complex, multiple-person relationships (pack relationships, leather families) may be seen as literal representations of this.

You might have a daddy in Dallas who comforts you, offers support, and gives you sweet, cuddly, furry sex. In addition to daddy, you have a sir in Seattle who trains you as a heavy BDSM submissive. You also have a cute life partner who wears glasses in your home city who loves wearing leather with you and cooking dinner with you and having threesomes with you and whatever guy you two decide to take home. You and your partner might share a submissive rubber pup who loves climbing in your sling to get his hole used. No one of these people is the “most important.” They each love different parts of you, and it works because you’re a complex creature with different tastes, different natures. No one relationship is the “right” one.

2. Slow down. 

BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism and masochism) can be scary when you don’t know what you’re doing. So can love. To newcomers, kinksters (kinky people) stress going slow, taking baby steps, building trust, and listening to people with more experience. How richer would our romances be if we all did the same?

3. People don’t belong to people. 

I like getting flogged, hate-fucked, spat on, degraded, tied up, group-used, and simulated rape, but when someone calls me “theirs,” I freak out. Kink is filled with labels that imply ownership. Daddies have boys, slaves have masters, subs have sirs, pups have handlers, and the list goes on. When I was getting started in BDSM, the labels bothered me. I hate possession. The minute someone talks about rules and exclusivity, I bolt. Then I realized why these roles exist. Some sex practices require skills that are best taught one-onone within the confines of a fetish relationship - where trust is developed, feedback given, and performance appraised. These roles serve real purposes: They arouse people, teach them how to enjoy the sex they want safely, and help us as a community preserve our kinks while sharing them with beginners. I’ve seen countless kinky relationships blossom over the last few years. Most have been very beautiful to witness. They’ve taught me something important: No matter what you call yourself, whether you’re a “slave” serving a “master” or a dominatrix training a rubber gimp, you’re always free to leave.

When the pleasure stops or the learning ends, there’s no need to stay. Yes, romantic connections do develop from dominant-submissive relationships (and many healthy romances include domsub play), but labels like “sir” and “boy” exist for pleasure and growth. You keep them as long as they feel good. Nonkinky marriages everywhere could benefit from this simple rule: If you aren’t happy, you don’t have to keep being “husband” or “wife.” Many nonkinky folks suffer for years in unhealthy relationships (with far fewer rules and restrictions than some BDSM pairings) never realizing this: If it’s no longer enjoyable, stop. It doesn’t matter what you call yourself or what’s stamped on a piece of paper if the joy is gone. People don’t belong to people.

4. There’s more to learn. 

You’re not an expert - in kink or love. There are bondage pros, master bootblacks, and aficionados of leather. But few kinksters claim to know everything because there’s always someone, somewhere, with another lesson to bring you, another experience that opens your eyes. Similarly, you may know everything about your partner, but at the end they are still a mystery to you, one you get to discover a little more every day.

5. People don’t stay in roles we assign them. 

My first sir called me “boy.” Then I discovered pup play and became a “pup.” As my interests have evolved and my skills advanced, “pup” is sloughing off. Who knows what I’ll be next? Learning new kinks and advancing your skills is an exciting process that often leads kinksters through different roles. This is also true in dating. All your experiences, good and bad, change how you define yourself and make you a different person from one relationship to the next or one one phase of life to another. That’s natural and healthy. But sometimes that can cause problems in a long-term relationship, since we tend to assign roles and see people we love a certain way, and we get scared when we wake up and realize they’re different. I once talked to a gay couple with 20-plus years behind them and asked what their secret was. One partner said, “I had to accept the fact that he was going to change. He wasn’t going to be the same man in five years as the man I met. I decided early on that I wanted him to be everything he needed to be, no matter what, even if that led him away from me.” It was one of the most beautiful definitions of a healthy relationship I’ve ever heard. People change. Love your partner enough to let them grow. 

According to a new comprehensive study, higher numbers of younger gay men are seeking monogamy than previous generations. Are younger queers just more boring?

Couple Blake Spears and Lanz Lowen decided to perform the study because of their own long-term relationship. “The catalyst for both studies was our experience as a long-term gay couple. We had been together in a non-monogamous relationship for 36 years and were curious about the experience of others,” Lowen told The Bay Area Reporter.

One of the study’s objectives is to “identify the prevalence and attitudes about monogamy and non-monogamy in the younger gay male population.”

The study consists of two parts: quantitative and qualitative. The quantitative part consists of 242 single gay men, 290 monogamous couples and 127 non-monogamous couples. The qualitative part contains verbatim comments from 161 monogamous couples, 16 non-monogamous couples, and 45 ‘monogamish’ couples. Participants in the study are all from Facebook or Grindr.

They conclude that because of greater visibility and achievements with marriage equality, gay men are conforming to mainstream norms.

“We concur with some of the comments we heard, that as younger gay men have the option of marriage and homosexuality becomes increasingly accepted, the traditional heterosexual model of monogamy and marriage become much more viable options. Younger gay men have the option of adopting to the norms of the heterosexual majority and becoming integrated into the mainstream in ways that weren’t possible before. In this study, we see them taking advantage of those options in large numbers.”

The Australian Christian Lobby has claimed that if the country allows same-sex weddings, schools will enforce “radical gay sex education”.

Next month Australians will be asked to vote on whether same-sex couples deserve the right to marriage, in a controversial public vote pushed forward by right-wing Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull.

Ahead of the vote the country has faced a tidal wave of misleading arguments from the ‘No’ campaign, with a much-mocked TV advert warning about the ‘consequences’ of the vote.

The anti-gay Australian Christian Lobby, a key member of the ‘Coalition for Marriage’, is now attempting to conflate the vote, on whether to grant basic marital rights to same-sex couples, with teaching little children about gay sex.

The group claimed in a mailout: “Changing the marriage law to allow same-sex couples to marry will mean taking gender out of our laws.

“Radical gay sex education programs will become more widespread and compulsory as it has overseas.

“If you are concerned about your rights as a parent, or radical gay sex education in classrooms. ITS [sic] Ok To Vote No.”

It is also promoting the book ‘Stealing From a Child – The Injustice of ‘Marriage Equality’.

The TV ad war is expected to intensify ahead of the debate.

PinkNews can reveal that the Coalition for Marriage is aggressively soliciting donations from conservatives in the country, seeking to raise $35,000 a day “to keep [their] ad on the air”.

We have turned a corner on the question of same sex marriage. In this last year more states have extended basic civil rights to LGBT Americans, including California, thanks to a landmark Scotus decision, and the trend is not likely to stop. That is very good news.

It is time, therefore for us to have a serious talk. Because we as a community have made strides in regard to marriage, does not mean that you necessarily need to take similar actions in your personal life. You do not need to run off to Maine with your wonderful boyfriend or girl friend in order to make a political statement.

For the same reason, that the anti-gay and hatred communities are wrong to hold marriage back as some symbolic gesture to marriage structures of the past, pro-gay people cannot rush into it as a new symbol of political gains of the present. Getting married is not political; it is a very big deal on a personal level.

As my Republican mother ungraciously asked me, “Why do you write in favor of gay marriage so much when you blew your own?” She is wrong. Gay marriage IS right. She is right that while I worked hard on mine, it did go wrong.

So here is my talk to all of you who are considering taking this step in your lives. I share this as one who has been through it and from what I did not know at the time. My ex-spouse and I grew with the marriage movement. We registered as domestic partners when it meant practically nothing. We married in San Francisco on Valentine’s day when Gavin Newsome briefly allowed it in a move of civil government disobedience. We divorced when we were under the full weight of state marriage laws without the dignity of ever calling ourselves truly “married”.

To be fair, I thought we had discussed much of the important list that I am going to give you. We had not. Not by a long shot. We should have. If we had, we might actually be together today, or we may have been able to separate in a more amicable way. In any case, I offer this to you from the vantage point of 20/20 hindsight. Dream the dream of a happily forever after with your soul mate… but also make sure that you both are clear and agreed on the following questions.

1. How will you resolve conflict? 

This is the big foundational one. The issue is not whether or not you will disagree on something… it is when. What are your rules for resolution? Who will you both go to as a third party when you can’t find agreement? It will make matters worse if that person is someone that one of you can’t stand or does not trust. What are your rules for arguments? “We will never go to bed mad.” Is a good example. How can you each confess mistakes safely?

2. Are you prepared for mutual financial responsibility? 

Public debate on marriage equality has complicated the issue with a lot of things that are irrelevant in real people’s lives. The financial factor is supremely relevant. When you marry, you take responsibility for each other’s finances. Are either of you prone to debt? Is one a higher earner with more assets? Make a plan on how all this will work and how you will each commit to it, and make it fair.

3. How will you parent? 

Should you and your spouse decide to become parents, this is the most important aspect for you to explore. When my spouse and I considered becoming fostercare parents, I solicited advice from a friend who had adopted a fostercare child with his wife. He shared with me that the hardest thing was seeing the parent his spouse became and realizing that he could not parent that way. They ultimately divorced, and so, ultimately, did we. Figure this out up front with ways to adhere to it to be successful -your children will thank you for it.

- Dating someone who’s older than you have a lot of advantages, and one of those is their experiences.
Aside from the experiences they have, they are also more mature and able to handle relationships better.
- A lot of people prefer to date someone who’s in the same age as them or younger because it means they will be able to grow together as a couple and individually.
Although it is indeed beautiful to be together while you’re both in the process of growing into a more mature adult, there are also a lot of advantages when you decide to date a guy who’s older than you.

To further discuss it, here are the eight reasons why older gay men make the best boyfriends:

1. He already knows what his place in the world is.

Usually, people who are in their young age tend to ask and wonder about their roles or their own place in this world. It happens to some, especially when they aren’t sure what they really want about a lot of things. They would only go with the flow and try to figure it out later when they get an idea.

However, if they decided to date an older man, their boyfriend will be the man who will help them identify what they are meant to do in their lives – the same thing as how they did it when they were the ones who experienced it. Furthermore, old gay men will even motivate them during those times as they already knew that a little uplifting can do a lot to a troubled person.

2. He already figured out who he really is.

When a person is on his early 20s to mid-20s, chances are they might experience some self-issues such as identity crisis or a quarter-life crisis perhaps, just like what the young people experience at times.

By choosing to open your door to an older man, he’ll know how to help you since he had already gone through a lot of things. Moreover, he wouldn’t doubt his gender one day because he already had figured out his personality and has fully embraced himself in different ways.

Plus, he could even share his knowledge with you!

3. He already has a better understanding.

Since he’s older, he had probably experienced a lot of different situations in a relationship like misunderstandings, petty fights and more. Once you decide to commit in a relationship with him, he’d already know how to handle these issues!

4. He’s better at s*x.

Nowadays, young people seemed to be interested in a quickie or a steamy action rather than making love.

Dating a man who’s older than you simply mean you’ll be a student. They say practice makes perfect; imagine how many times he had already practiced before meeting you. When the both of you decide to hit it off, you’ll be surprised with the techniques he knows and how much of an expert he is.

What goes in must come out. What goes up must come down. And after a dude blows his load, he sometimes feel really, really sad. Philosophers and scientists have long had a few theories as to why men get these bummer dick-related feelings, but now psychology professor Robert Schweitzer of Queensland University of Technology in Brisbane, Australia, is conducting a survey to build on anecdotal evidence of the phenomenon to find out why.

In a statement about the survey, Schweitzer said his goal is to create a scale of post-coital experience in hetero and homosexual men and women in what he calls the “recovery phase” of sex. In lay terms, that’s right after you do it, when you’re (usually) lying there dazed, floating on a cloud of heroin. For most people, that moment makes the short list of the best experiences a human can have on earth- a blissed-out euphoria that feels relaxing and serene. But for other people, not so much. Just after sex, they are more inclined to describe their state as involving “melancholy, tearfulness, anxiety, irritability or restlessness,” Schweitzer notes.

But why? “If we can better understand what is happening in the bedroom and the prevalence of post-sex blues, we can start looking at causes and possible solutions,” Schweitzer said.

The phenomenon isn’t new, nor is the effort to understand why it happens. Back in 2014, Vice charted historical awareness of post-coital dysphoria, also called post-coital tristesse, and found that it was initially thought of as something that only happened to men (there’s a reason the French call the male orgasm “la petite mort,” or “the little death”). PCD first showed up around 150 AD, when the Greek physician Galen declared that post-sex sadness happened to every animal except “the human female and the rooster.” Spinoza, Aristotle and Nietzsche, they write, thought it only natural that the loss of the “life force” that happens with the orgasm would coincide with melancholy. Vice spoke to a psychiatrist in London, Anthony Stone, who said it was the natural down cycle after the upswing of seduction.

“Post-sex, men can feel powerless, a spent force; they’ve lost the ability to impregnate,” Stone told them. “In some cases, this can feel like depression or a desire to die - sometimes like ‘maleness’ has been lost.”

In 2009, psychiatrist Richard Friedman tested his theory that the post-sex blues was just the amygdala, which normally masks fear and anxiety during sex, creating a temporary depression when the levels return to normal after the deed. He proved this by giving participants antidepressants, known to lower libido, expecting that with lowered sex drive, and therefore less thrilling sex, they would report the post-orgasm bleh experience as less frequent or intense, too. He was right.

Dear Gay White Men!
Before I begin, I want you to understand that I’m not calling all of you racist. I’ve never been one to throw that word around casually and even though I’m sure there are some that word would fit like a glove, I’m not talking to them. I’m talking to you - the cisgendered, white, gay men out there who hold no ill will towards minorities (especially black and brown ones) but somehow have never found themselves in bed with one. You’re good guys, I know this to be true. You mean well when it comes to race relations but, as a white man in... the world, you must admit, you have no clue what it means to be racially discriminated against. As a result, there are often times when you don’t recognize when your behavior towards people of color veers into problematic territory. As a black man within the gay community, I recognize that shit all the time and have a few points I’d like to discuss with you. I’m not here to judge you. There’s only one capital H-i-m and it’s not me. But you may want to take my words to heart if you’d like to live up to those progressive memes you share on Facebook all the time.

Let’s start with the epicenter of your problematic behaviors towards my kind: your dating app profile. I know it can be hard to find the right words while expressing your preferences when it comes to what you’re looking for in a partner. Whether you’re looking for “Mr. Right” or “Mr. Yea Daddy Right There” but I can’t help but notice that a lot of you get lost, like... really lost, when it comes to stating your preferences properly. To be clear, you’re allowed to describe the kind of guy you’re looking for and the things that turn you on but specifying the race of your desired partner is a line that is not to be crossed. It comes off as racist and that’s because it is.

I should point out that I’ve had this conversation with more than a couple of white gays in person and here is where the debate usually begins, so I’m going to assume that you’re rolling your eyes at me right about now. That’s fine and to make you feel more heard I’ll even repeat the most common point used to counter my argument - “but people like what they like. Can’t change that.” I’ve heard that excuse, or some iteration of it, used many times. Almost as if it’s a magic phrase that just kind of ends the conversation and absolves you of your bullshit. I’ll put aside the fact that broadcasting your distaste for an entire race, or multiple races, in the year 2017 is really dumb in addition to being racist as fuck, and just challenge the reasoning here head on. Yes, people like what they like but sometimes the things people like are racist, like lawn jockeys or the current president of the United States. You can’t say you prefer one race of people as romantic partners, or anything really, to another because all of the people who belong to one race are not the same. No matter how you slice it, it’s racist.