'Am I gay?' is a question that's often asked by young people.
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) organisations tend to believe that the real figures are much higher than that, and they may well be right – especially as close inspection of the ONS statistics reveals that 3 per cent of the population that they surveyed did not answer the question about sexual orientation.
'Am I gay?' is a question that's often asked by young people, now there is much more openness and honesty about discussing male homosexuality and lesbianism.
Actually, it is quite a difficult question to answer, since we now realise that there is a wide spectrum of sexual orientation – with some people being exclusively gay, some people being exclusively heterosexual and a lot of us falling somewhere in between.
It is interesting that the question 'Am I gay?' usually worries young men much more than it does young women.
This is partly because of the fact that in the first 13 years of this century, there appears to have been quite a shift in public attitudes concerning lesbian behaviour among women.
A lot of younger adults now seem to take the view that it is fairly acceptable for a female to go through a phase in which she fancies other attractive women.
There also appears to be a growing feeling among many younger people of both genders that sex is there to be enjoyed in various forms, and that they do not really want to be categorised as being heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian or gay.
However, there are still large numbers of young men who have been brought up believing that there is a stigma attached to being homosexual. They tend to feel very distressed if anyone questions their sexual orientation or if they begin to have any doubts about it themselves.
Amazingly, it’s still true that some younger males are liable to become violent if somebody suggests they are gay.
We hope this article will help to alleviate some concerns about gayness.
But for other men it isn't so clear cut, and this is perhaps not surprising. After all, sexuality is a very complex thing, and it is quite common to feel urges towards both women and men – particularly when you're young.
Also, we live in a much more touchy-feely society these days.
Grown men often hug their mates, and it is no longer frowned upon to hug your brother or dad in public. So men who in previous generations would have had no physical contact with other males, now have quite a lot. No wonder many feel confused.
The important thing is to accept that it is okay not to be sure – and to take your time in deciding which way you want to go.
A lot of young adults make their decision as a result of observing male role models, including friends and people they encounter at work or college.
In your life, there are probably going to be men that you meet who are happily and confidently homosexual.
You will also meet plenty of others who are undoubtedly and effortlessly heterosexual and, unfortunately, some who are vehemently anti-gay.
No: you are not necessarily gay if you sometimes have sexual dreams about other men.
Plenty of men who are heterosexual, and who have never even had a fumble with another bloke, have such dreams - though they rarely admit to them.
Vast numbers of heterosexual women have sexy dreams about other females too.
It is a different matter if you find you want to see their genitals or long to hold and stroke them sexually.
This is quite a good theory, although in practice many straight men and women do have occasional sexual fantasies - often fantasies about group sex - that involve both genders.
As a general rule, if your mind is full of images of men when you masturbate, this probably means that at the moment you do really fancy men much more than women.
Some men are worried by memories of having participated in masturbatory games during their teenage years, which may have included physical contact with other boys. This kind of experience is quite common and definitely does not mean that you are gay.
But figures at a conference we attended in 2005 conclusively showed that a very large proportion of male rape victims are heterosexual guys who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and were unable to fight back, for example because they'd had too much to drink.
Some victims believe that a rapist or abuser senses homosexuality and picks his victims accordingly. This is not true. Most experts believe that male rape is about violence and aggression and not about sex at all.
One of the worst things about sexual abuse is that it is frequently carried out by a relative or by someone else in a position of trust - like a care worker, youth leader, sports coach, etc.
Not unreasonably, the child often initially admires or hero-worships his abuser. So it is small wonder that the victim is left with a legacy of terrible confusion.
Any man who has been raped or abused should seek counselling. The best organisation to contact is probably Survivors UK on: 0845 122 1201 between 7.30 pm and 9 pm on Mondays and Tuesdays, and between 12 noon and 2.30 p m on Thursdays.
But what can you do about it? First, you need to assess whether this man could possibly return your feelings. One way or another, this is often obvious.
For example, if he has shown considerable interest in girls – and maybe has a girlfriend – it is very unlikely that he is going to want to have sex with you.
Just as you would not force yourself sexually on a girl who happened to be your friend – even if you fancied her like crazy – neither should you approach your male friend sexually, unless he gives you any encouraging signs.
Of course, this can be very difficult for you when you feel desperately in love and sexually charged up about a male friend. But the sensible course of action is to keep your desires from him, and to try to discuss your feelings with an expert or someone who you can trust.
In time, if you are gay, you will find yourself seeking out like-minded individuals who are also attracted to men, and you will experiment with them and probably fall in love too.
But you will still want to be close to your heterosexual friends. And the way to keep your straight friends is to avoid trying to have sex with them when they do not feel the same way as you.
But what about other people? Who should you discuss your possible gay feelings with?
One counsellor at the Gay and Lesbian phone line says that telling anyone you are gay is one of life's most memorable statements.
In other words it is not something you can 'unsay' afterwards. For example, if you announced: 'You know I said I was gay the other day – well, I was only joking,' would anyone believe you? They would not.
So the golden rule is not to say anything until you are absolutely sure that you want to – and even then you should take advice from an expert or someone who has been in a similar situation before.
Please realise that just because he has these feelings, it doesn't mean he knows something that you don't about your sexual orientation. You can be entirely straight and have gay men attracted to you.
If this happens with a good friend, you will probably want to retain the friendship. You can do this by being kind, but also by making it clear there is no possibility of sex because you do not feel the same way.
It is possible that such men do have deep-seated urges towards other men that only emerge when they are drunk. But when this happens, they will have pleasant feelings – and probably erections too – when they recall what took place, much as they want to fight against it.
However, often a man will have no pleasant recollections and will be genuinely horrified. In this case it is usually just the alcohol that got him into trouble.
Let's face it, plenty of inebriated men and women have sex with people they would not normally look at twice – and it is these very encounters that tend to lead to real trouble like unwanted pregnancy, HIV or AIDS.
Booze makes brainless idiots of us all. So if you have had an accidental homosexual encounter when drunk, just resolve never to get that wrecked again.
The penalties for under-age sex can be severe. So please try to avoid sex with another person if you or he are still under the age of consent.
Even in today's more liberated climate, it could get you both into serious legal trouble.
In particular, the Sexual Offences Act of 2003 lays down quite severe penalties for grown-ups who have sexual activity, whether heterosexual or homosexual, with those who are underage.
Basically, it’s an obsessive fear of being gay.
There are various websites where you can get more information. A good one is the American site www.brainphysics.com.
If someone has obsessive thoughts about being gay – but has no accompanying desire for sex with men – then his problem is all about intrusive and obsessive thoughts, and he may well be suffering from obsessional compulsive disorder (OCD).
There are various treatments for OCD. One of the most successful is cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) – which is becoming much easier to get on the NHS than it used to be. Your GP could refer you for treatment.
Written by Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist and Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach
Source: netdoctor
'Am I gay?' is a question that's often asked by young people, now there is much more openness and honesty about discussing male homosexuality and lesbianism.
Actually, it is quite a difficult question to answer, since we now realise that there is a wide spectrum of sexual orientation – with some people being exclusively gay, some people being exclusively heterosexual and a lot of us falling somewhere in between.
It is interesting that the question 'Am I gay?' usually worries young men much more than it does young women.
This is partly because of the fact that in the first 13 years of this century, there appears to have been quite a shift in public attitudes concerning lesbian behaviour among women.
A lot of younger adults now seem to take the view that it is fairly acceptable for a female to go through a phase in which she fancies other attractive women.
There also appears to be a growing feeling among many younger people of both genders that sex is there to be enjoyed in various forms, and that they do not really want to be categorised as being heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian or gay.
However, there are still large numbers of young men who have been brought up believing that there is a stigma attached to being homosexual. They tend to feel very distressed if anyone questions their sexual orientation or if they begin to have any doubts about it themselves.
Amazingly, it’s still true that some younger males are liable to become violent if somebody suggests they are gay.
We hope this article will help to alleviate some concerns about gayness.
How do you know if you are gay?
Many homosexual men say they always knew they were gay – right from as early as childhood.But for other men it isn't so clear cut, and this is perhaps not surprising. After all, sexuality is a very complex thing, and it is quite common to feel urges towards both women and men – particularly when you're young.
Also, we live in a much more touchy-feely society these days.
Grown men often hug their mates, and it is no longer frowned upon to hug your brother or dad in public. So men who in previous generations would have had no physical contact with other males, now have quite a lot. No wonder many feel confused.
The important thing is to accept that it is okay not to be sure – and to take your time in deciding which way you want to go.
A lot of young adults make their decision as a result of observing male role models, including friends and people they encounter at work or college.
In your life, there are probably going to be men that you meet who are happily and confidently homosexual.
You will also meet plenty of others who are undoubtedly and effortlessly heterosexual and, unfortunately, some who are vehemently anti-gay.
What if you have sexual thoughts or dreams about other men?
Does it matter if you sometimes have homosexual thoughts – or gay dreams?No: you are not necessarily gay if you sometimes have sexual dreams about other men.
Plenty of men who are heterosexual, and who have never even had a fumble with another bloke, have such dreams - though they rarely admit to them.
Vast numbers of heterosexual women have sexy dreams about other females too.
What if you have feelings for your friends?
It does not mean that you are gay if you 'love' your male friends. Plenty of us - male and female - genuinely love our mates. They mean the world to us, but that does not mean we are gay.It is a different matter if you find you want to see their genitals or long to hold and stroke them sexually.
Masturbation and sexual orientation
A psychologist has told us that masturbation is a useful test for determining sexual orientation. He said gay people fantasise about their own gender when they masturbate whereas heterosexual people do not.This is quite a good theory, although in practice many straight men and women do have occasional sexual fantasies - often fantasies about group sex - that involve both genders.
As a general rule, if your mind is full of images of men when you masturbate, this probably means that at the moment you do really fancy men much more than women.
Some men are worried by memories of having participated in masturbatory games during their teenage years, which may have included physical contact with other boys. This kind of experience is quite common and definitely does not mean that you are gay.
Are victims of male rape or sexual abuse always gay?
This is a widely believed myth. We have often been contacted by men who - because they have been raped or sexually abused - are convinced they must be homosexual, since they were singled out for this kind of attack.But figures at a conference we attended in 2005 conclusively showed that a very large proportion of male rape victims are heterosexual guys who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and were unable to fight back, for example because they'd had too much to drink.
Some victims believe that a rapist or abuser senses homosexuality and picks his victims accordingly. This is not true. Most experts believe that male rape is about violence and aggression and not about sex at all.
One of the worst things about sexual abuse is that it is frequently carried out by a relative or by someone else in a position of trust - like a care worker, youth leader, sports coach, etc.
Not unreasonably, the child often initially admires or hero-worships his abuser. So it is small wonder that the victim is left with a legacy of terrible confusion.
Any man who has been raped or abused should seek counselling. The best organisation to contact is probably Survivors UK on: 0845 122 1201 between 7.30 pm and 9 pm on Mondays and Tuesdays, and between 12 noon and 2.30 p m on Thursdays.
Dealing with same-sex crushes
If you are a young man who finds yourself in love with or deeply attracted to one of your male friends, it can feel very worrying. It may mean that you are gay – though not necessarily so.But what can you do about it? First, you need to assess whether this man could possibly return your feelings. One way or another, this is often obvious.
For example, if he has shown considerable interest in girls – and maybe has a girlfriend – it is very unlikely that he is going to want to have sex with you.
Just as you would not force yourself sexually on a girl who happened to be your friend – even if you fancied her like crazy – neither should you approach your male friend sexually, unless he gives you any encouraging signs.
Of course, this can be very difficult for you when you feel desperately in love and sexually charged up about a male friend. But the sensible course of action is to keep your desires from him, and to try to discuss your feelings with an expert or someone who you can trust.
In time, if you are gay, you will find yourself seeking out like-minded individuals who are also attracted to men, and you will experiment with them and probably fall in love too.
But you will still want to be close to your heterosexual friends. And the way to keep your straight friends is to avoid trying to have sex with them when they do not feel the same way as you.
Should you tell others how you feel?
We have suggested that if you have a crush on your friend, you should not act on it or even tell him. He may be flattered to hear how much you adore him, but he may be terribly embarrassed or scared. And he may start avoiding you.But what about other people? Who should you discuss your possible gay feelings with?
One counsellor at the Gay and Lesbian phone line says that telling anyone you are gay is one of life's most memorable statements.
In other words it is not something you can 'unsay' afterwards. For example, if you announced: 'You know I said I was gay the other day – well, I was only joking,' would anyone believe you? They would not.
So the golden rule is not to say anything until you are absolutely sure that you want to – and even then you should take advice from an expert or someone who has been in a similar situation before.
What if a male friend fancies you?
It can be equally confusing if you feel straight, but you have a male friend who tells you he loves or fancies you.Please realise that just because he has these feelings, it doesn't mean he knows something that you don't about your sexual orientation. You can be entirely straight and have gay men attracted to you.
If this happens with a good friend, you will probably want to retain the friendship. You can do this by being kind, but also by making it clear there is no possibility of sex because you do not feel the same way.
The morning after the night before
Sometimes, worried young men write to us because they have got very drunk and had sex with another guy. Usually, they are quite disturbed about this - especially if all their previous sexual contact has been with women.It is possible that such men do have deep-seated urges towards other men that only emerge when they are drunk. But when this happens, they will have pleasant feelings – and probably erections too – when they recall what took place, much as they want to fight against it.
However, often a man will have no pleasant recollections and will be genuinely horrified. In this case it is usually just the alcohol that got him into trouble.
Let's face it, plenty of inebriated men and women have sex with people they would not normally look at twice – and it is these very encounters that tend to lead to real trouble like unwanted pregnancy, HIV or AIDS.
Booze makes brainless idiots of us all. So if you have had an accidental homosexual encounter when drunk, just resolve never to get that wrecked again.
The legal position and young people
The legal age of consent for gay sex is currently 16 years throughout the UK . Although it used to be 17 in Northern Ireland, the age of homosexual consent in the province was recently reduced to 16.The penalties for under-age sex can be severe. So please try to avoid sex with another person if you or he are still under the age of consent.
Even in today's more liberated climate, it could get you both into serious legal trouble.
In particular, the Sexual Offences Act of 2003 lays down quite severe penalties for grown-ups who have sexual activity, whether heterosexual or homosexual, with those who are underage.
HOCD
In recent years, a new term has arisen – HOCD. This is sometimes written as H-OCD. It is a 'condition' which is discussed at some length on the internet. The letters stand for 'homosexuality obsessive-compulsive disorder'.Basically, it’s an obsessive fear of being gay.
There are various websites where you can get more information. A good one is the American site www.brainphysics.com.
If someone has obsessive thoughts about being gay – but has no accompanying desire for sex with men – then his problem is all about intrusive and obsessive thoughts, and he may well be suffering from obsessional compulsive disorder (OCD).
There are various treatments for OCD. One of the most successful is cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) – which is becoming much easier to get on the NHS than it used to be. Your GP could refer you for treatment.
Written by Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist and Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach
Source: netdoctor
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