The number of same-sex parents is rising, but gay men continue to face incorrect stereotypes and prejudices when they consider adopting a child, writes Patrick McAleenan.
I am the fifth in a line of Patricks in my family, but, as a gay man, it’s unlikely I will carry on the name.My parents accept my sexuality but I know one of their biggest disappointments is that I probably won’t continue the lineage. I think that goes for many parents of gay men: their main issue or sadness at their son's sexuality is the prospect of no grandchildren, rather than any stigma attached to having a gay son. Thankfully, I have brothers who have already fulfilled in the grandchildren department, with more hopefully yet to come.
Men are not supposed to want kids as much as women do – but that's a generalisation that smacks of pub logic. I have met many guys who long for babies as much as women do, and there are excellent examples of gay men raising children. There's never been a better time for gay men to start a family in the UK. The law is on our side and research has shown that children with same-sex parents, on the whole, enjoy the same quality of upbringing as those from other families. So what’s stopping more gay men having children, either naturally or through adoption?
Figures show the number of same-sex couples adopting children in England has doubled in the past four years. According to the Department for Education, the number of same-sex couples adopting rose from 3pc in 2009 to 6pc in 2013. Campaigners say that many more adoptive parents are needed for the thousands of children waiting to be placed who are currently in care.
The key issue with any adoption is that it meets the needs of the child. Many local authorities are proactively reaching out to engage with their local lesbian, gay and bisexual community – Glasgow City Council were widely praised for running an ad in a metro station that featured a same-sex couple in its call for adoptive parents. In recent years Barnardos, the British Association of Adoption and Fostering (BAAF) and First 4 Adoption have all been proactively encouraging adoption by lesbian, gay and bisexual people.
It doesn’t help that 80pc of us believe our sexuality is a barrier when considering adoption or fostering, while two in five lesbian, gay and bisexual people say they consider their own family’s attitudes a barrier to becoming a parent.
These stats and others were revealed in Stonewall’s report Gay In Britain – Lesbian, gay and bisexual people’s experiences and expectations of discrimination (2013), including:
– Almost half (46 per cent) of lesbian, gay and bisexual people expect to be treated worse than a heterosexual person by an adoption agency if they want to adopt a child.
– Three quarters (74 per cent) of lesbian, gay and bisexual people consider the bullying at school of children with gay parents a barrier to becoming a parent.
– More than half (56 per cent) say lack of information and support on starting a family is a barrier to becoming a parent.
– Four in five (79 per cent) lesbian, gay and bisexual people consider society’s attitudes towards gay parents a barrier to becoming a parent.
Surrogacy is another option, albeit an expensive and sometimes complicated one. While legal in the UK, the law does outlaw commercially-arranged surrogacy and advertising for surrogates, so finding one can be challenging. Under English law, the surrogate is the child's legal mother, while the alternative is to conceive through an international surrogacy arrangement – particularly in the USA, where in certain states both fathers can be named on the birth certificate from the outset.
We have a few celebrity gay dads who have gone down the surrogacy route. Elton John and David Furnish have two boys, while designer Tom Ford and his partner Richard Buckley have a son. But their idyllic and gilded family life does not translate to the ordinary, every day world where 74 per cent of lesbian, gay and bisexual people consider the bullying at school of children with gay parents a barrier to becoming a parent. Children go through enough trauma in the playground as it is. Who wants to put them through more?
A number of other prejudices come into play. Gay people are seen as untrustworthy with children, and a frivolous view that we would rather spend our money on parties, designer clothing and pilates still persists. Then there's the unfounded stereotype that all gay men are promiscuous and unable to offer a stable, family home because our relationships are less sustainable than others. Sometimes, it's difficult not to absorb some of these.
Gay men tend to make great uncles, godfathers and babysitters, but does that make us potential parents? I’ve changed nappies, bathed and babysat many children and I personally feel I would make a great, responsible and very loving dad. I also know my parents would love him or her in the same way they love their other grandchildren.
Being a good parent has nothing to do with being gay or straight. It also has nothing to do with the combination of the parents’ genders. Parenting advice for same-sex couples is widely available (e.g. Stonewall’s Guide for gay dads) and most gay men (myself included) are surrounded by wonderful female role models to fulfil the ‘maternal’ influence.
So what’s stopping me? Firstly, I have yet to meet Mr Right; secondly, it would have to be a Mr Right who wanted kids; and thirdly, I honestly still haven’t decided if I do want children (and remain content at the prospect of not having one).
The reality is, however, that I do know that should little Patrick VI come along, he would grow into a happy, loved, supported and well-rounded human being. Isn’t that something every child deserves?
By Patrick McAleenan
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