A funny thing happened when gay couples were told by judges that they couldn't tie the knot: They invented a whole new kind of relationship blueprint. And then researchers checked it out and found that it seemed to be working better than the other one.
The landmark 2008 study, published in the journal Developmental Psychology, followed gay couples for three years and found that by nearly every metric, they reported higher-quality relationships and felt more satisfied than straight married couples did.
This wasn't exactly news to me. As a gay man, I know we defy the expectations of typical relationships.
And while one study doesn't mean we have all the answers, it does mean we could have something to teach you. After all, we date guys like you—we are guys like you. Here's what gay couples are getting right. Prepare to revise your blueprint.
Gay Guys Make Sex an Adventure
It wouldn't shock many people to learn that men have their minds on sex in a way most women do not. So put two (or more) men together who find each other attractive, and you can take a wild guess what happens. A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicinefound that gay men do, in fact, tend to have more active sex lives—at least in terms of having more partners.
But here's where things get interesting. In the Developmental Psychology study, gay couples were also shown to have higher levels of affection and intimacy. That's partly because we access a greater number of sensual tools in order to enjoy sex to the fullest. People in same-sex relationships tend to be more satisfied with things like deep kissing, touching, and undressing their partners than people in heterosexual relationships are, according to a study in the Journal of Sex Research. Of the four groups studied—straight men, straight women, gay men, and lesbians—straight men actually scored the lowest sexual satisfaction from those same things.
Where do they go wrong? A more narrow-minded approach to sexcould be partly to blame. "Sometimes straight men undervalue sexplay other than intercourse," says Men's Health sex and relationships advisor Debby Herbenick, Ph.D. "It's the variety ofsex—kissing, touching, breast stimulation, toys, and oral sex—that adds a much-needed dimension to a couple's sex life. Gay men often have a larger menu of things to choose from." Which seems counterintuitive, since men have matching parts. But gender roles, Herbenick says, can be more flexible among gay men, so there's less stigma attached to things like the use of sex toys. Gay porn also eroticizes behaviors like mutual masturbation, which you don't see much of in straight porn.
Straight couples also often struggle to be blunt about what they want from sex, says therapist Rik Isensee, a counselor based in San Francisco and the author of Love Between Men. "It can make some men feel vulnerable to admit that they could learn anything new about how to please their partner."
When you have that talk, start with simple requests, Herbenick says. If you normally have sex at night, see if she's game first thing in the morning, or head to the basement and christen the pool table. Spontaneity and unpredictability are thrilling, and the residual excitement will leave her wanting more. Then follow up the next day, Herbenick says. Try something like "Wasn't that fun last night? Here's what I'd like to try next. . ." and give her a chance to respond. You'll likely wind up with new material to fuel your sex life for months.
Or you could take a cue from another source of our creativity: porn. As Joe A. Thomas wrote in his chapter of Sex for Sale, a classic look into the sex industry, "Porn has always held a more accepted, even exalted, position in gay culture than in straight." Thomas cited a study that revealed that gay men watched porn at more than twice the rate of straight men—and that research was 10 years ago.
Gay couples quickly learn what a lot of straight couples take a long time to figure out: Used as fantasy fuel, pornography can actually spark sexual novelty and creativity, which is valuable given that two people in a relationship almost never have identical sex drives. "If there is something insanely hot, I will say, 'You've got to see this,'" says Darren, 36, a marketing executive in Beverly Hills. "It's how we get ideas to wow each other."
That said, if you're going to show porn to your wife, be careful what you click on, says Herbenick. "Most women don't like mainstream porn, but female-oriented options are becoming increasingly available, like those from Make Love Not Porn, which depict women enjoying sex and being respected during the act."
Where you get your ideas, however, doesn't matter as much as what you do with them once you're both feeling inspired. I once had a boyfriend who propositioned me to have sex on my fire escape. I would never have done that. (But I'm so glad I did.) That kind of openness and honesty doesn't just translate to more sex—it translates to better sex.
"We go out by the pool and leave the gate unlocked," says Darren. "We suggest little things like that to keep the excitement in our sexlives." Then they follow through.
Gay Guys Are More Comfortable with Alone Time
Ari recently won an all-expenses-paid trip to Venice and Verona. And he took it—without his partner, Drew. "Having time to myself is never an issue," Drew says. Healthy couples have strong lives together and strong lives apart—which is important, because couples don't thrive when they're joined at the hip. "It's when you ground yourself that you start to feel better, healthier, clearer, and more satisfied with life," says Hokemeyer.
Whether we're traveling alone or with our partners, we're doing a good job of capitalizing on our time off. A survey by Community Marketing & Insights, a market research firm focused on gay and lesbian consumers, found that gay and bisexual men average four vacations a year and that almost halfhave taken one lasting five nights or longer. And just 20 percent of gay or bisexual men were motivated by romance with their partner when choosing a destination. Higher on the list: relaxing, and quality time with buds.
Straight couples become more self-focused, especially when kids enter the picture, says sex therapist Kerner. "But gay male couples are more likely to have vibrant and extended communities of friends who act like surrogate families."
While date nights and "being there" for the other person are key, so is finding the time to disconnect and regroup on your own. No, that doesn't mean you need to ditch your significant other every time you're looking to add a new stamp on your passport. Couples who have taken a vacation within the past four years are also more likely to be satisfied with their love lives than those who have not vacationed in five years or more, according to a survey by the travel site Expedia.
Here's what might help: Encourage her to plan at least one getaway that's all hers too—and do it in advance. Just looking forward to your vacation can actually boost your happiness levels for weeks or even months before your trip, according to a study in the journal Applied Research in Quality of Life.
Such freedom takes some getting used to, admittedly. But it can also offer a lot of breathing room. One of the best relationships of my life was with a guy who lived by one simple motto: "We love each other, and we'll figure it out." Because that's the beauty of blueprints: They can always be altered to fit what you need. Some names and details have been changed.
Admiring Other Guys Is Part of the Fun
Most straight guys can only imagine what might happen if their wife or girlfriend caught them leering too long at the yoga instructor. (The answer: nothing good.) That's why when Drew, 45, and his partner, Ari, 43, check out a hot guy, their straight friends are often baffled when it doesn't lead to a spat. "Straight men always say they wish they could do things like that," Drew says, "and women are shocked that we're so comfortable with it." Ari and Drew are not exceptions. Another study in Developmental Psychology explored differences between straight and gay couples and found gay men to be "among the most secure adults" interviewed. Ian Kerner, a sex therapist based in New York City, says much of this comes down to gay men's ability to generally separate love from sex. "Gay couples have often had more experience with open relationships and are more open to talking about it and experimenting with it," he says. A 2010 San Francisco State University study backs him up: The researchers looked at 566 gay male couples and found that nearly half were in open relationships.
This also may be why flirting among friends isn't a big deal for most gay men either. In fact, it's almost a constant: Many of us are fine with the fact that our better halves flirt—in a way a lot of straight couples aren't. "I think, Look, he's going home with me every night,'" says Brian, 36, a lawyer in Philadelphia who's been with his boyfriend for four years. "I know he loves me, and I trust him completely."
That's easy for my friend Brian to say, right? He's not looking at the silent treatment for an entire week. Commitment and trust are critical to fostering intimacy with women, and flirting openly undermines those qualities.
"Women feel threatened and disrespected when their guy flirts with another woman because it makes them feel unsafe," says Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in New York City. "Sexually, economically, and socially, women are more vulnerable. That's changing, of course, but there's still a ways to go." Herbenick suggests trying simple games, like "Hot or Not" or "Never Have I Ever," which allow you to bring up other people—and your dating past—in a nonthreatening or even self-deprecating way.
Of course, just because gay men might be more comfortable with a little flirting doesn't mean we're free of the insecurities that may keep the average straight woman awake at night. So if you're looking to make her feel more secure in the relationship, here's another thing you should do (please, bear with me): Talk more. My last boyfriend and I instituted a weekly "temperature check" where we just confirmed that everything was kosher between us. And sometimes that's all you need. Just knowing that she has the ability, and a designated time, to air any grievances may save you a world of passive aggression, says Hokemeyer.
While you don't always need to be having The Talk, taking the temperature every so often isn't a bad idea. If that's not your style, there are other easy ways to show her that she's valued and safe in the relationship, says Hokemeyer. One of the simplest: Every time she mentions something small that she likes—a favorite drink, a new TV show, a pizza joint she's been hoping to try—take two seconds and enter it into your phone's notepad. Pick one to spring on her a few days later, and you'll reinforce that she's the only woman on your mind. And another long talk will be the last thing on hers.
Some names and details have been changed.
Most straight guys can only imagine what might happen if their wife or girlfriend caught them leering too long at the yoga instructor. (The answer: nothing good.) That's why when Drew, 45, and his partner, Ari, 43, check out a hot guy, their straight friends are often baffled when it doesn't lead to a spat. "Straight men always say they wish they could do things like that," Drew says, "and women are shocked that we're so comfortable with it." Ari and Drew are not exceptions. Another study in Developmental Psychology explored differences between straight and gay couples and found gay men to be "among the most secure adults" interviewed. Ian Kerner, a sex therapist based in New York City, says much of this comes down to gay men's ability to generally separate love from sex. "Gay couples have often had more experience with open relationships and are more open to talking about it and experimenting with it," he says. A 2010 San Francisco State University study backs him up: The researchers looked at 566 gay male couples and found that nearly half were in open relationships.
This also may be why flirting among friends isn't a big deal for most gay men either. In fact, it's almost a constant: Many of us are fine with the fact that our better halves flirt—in a way a lot of straight couples aren't. "I think, Look, he's going home with me every night,'" says Brian, 36, a lawyer in Philadelphia who's been with his boyfriend for four years. "I know he loves me, and I trust him completely."
That's easy for my friend Brian to say, right? He's not looking at the silent treatment for an entire week. Commitment and trust are critical to fostering intimacy with women, and flirting openly undermines those qualities.
"Women feel threatened and disrespected when their guy flirts with another woman because it makes them feel unsafe," says Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in New York City. "Sexually, economically, and socially, women are more vulnerable. That's changing, of course, but there's still a ways to go." Herbenick suggests trying simple games, like "Hot or Not" or "Never Have I Ever," which allow you to bring up other people—and your dating past—in a nonthreatening or even self-deprecating way.
Of course, just because gay men might be more comfortable with a little flirting doesn't mean we're free of the insecurities that may keep the average straight woman awake at night. So if you're looking to make her feel more secure in the relationship, here's another thing you should do (please, bear with me): Talk more. My last boyfriend and I instituted a weekly "temperature check" where we just confirmed that everything was kosher between us. And sometimes that's all you need. Just knowing that she has the ability, and a designated time, to air any grievances may save you a world of passive aggression, says Hokemeyer.
While you don't always need to be having The Talk, taking the temperature every so often isn't a bad idea. If that's not your style, there are other easy ways to show her that she's valued and safe in the relationship, says Hokemeyer. One of the simplest: Every time she mentions something small that she likes—a favorite drink, a new TV show, a pizza joint she's been hoping to try—take two seconds and enter it into your phone's notepad. Pick one to spring on her a few days later, and you'll reinforce that she's the only woman on your mind. And another long talk will be the last thing on hers.
Some names and details have been changed.
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