10. When you’re bored.
Humans are not meant to stay together forever. It’s not in our genetic makeup. You may retort, “My parents were together for 65 years!” That’s wonderful, and they might have loved each other till the very end, but the stigma attached to divorce has been somewhat heavy until the last couple generations - staying together might have been considered their only option. And if boredom crept in, tough luck.
You don’t have to stay with anyone forever. That is a wonderful feature of our modern world with its hookup apps and high divorce rate and luxury airplanes. You can always leave.
And if your partner is simply not giving you the thrill in your life that you’re looking for, or if you are considering spending a year or two single, leave them. You’re doing the kinder thing by letting them go than continuing a relationship when you’re dissatisfied.
11. When you’re fighting constantly.
When people talk about breakups, toxic relationships always come up. They’re an uncomfortable topic because many of us have been in one. A toxic relationship causes more stress than pleasure for one or both (or all) people involved. The most common feature of toxic relationships: constant fighting.
If you’ve reached the point where you can predict the next fight and watch it brew without any surprise, ask yourself if this is really the kind of setup you wan to be in. Constant arguing is unhealthy on a physical and mental level - it will make you sick.
The frustrating truth about toxic relationships - and one of the things that make them so toxic - is that despite their stress, people generally have a hard time ending them. Some people get accustomed to the fighting, others are scared of being single, others feel they are obligated to stay.
None of these are true. If you find yourself in a relationship like this, there is no salvaging it. Break up as soon as possible.
12. When your primary source of stress is your partner.
Even if you’re not fighting constantly, your partner can still be your main source of stress. Stress is one of the hardest things on the body and will literally weaken your immune system. If your relationship is making you unhealthy, you owe it to yourself to end it.
Say you’re in an open relationship with your boyfriend and he has a tendency to have wild nights and hit the town on substances and have a blast - and you’re worried about him. Communicating these concerns can be hard, since he might misinterpret it as you judging his activities or trying to shame him. But you’re honestly, sincerely worried about some of the choices he’s been making and you want him to make sure he’s never in a car with a drunk driver.
You can handle this kind of worry up to a point - and then you need to get out. My last relationship reached a point like this. I was the party boy and he was the one at home worrying, and he made the right decision for himself to end it. During the breakup, his literal words were “I just can’t worry about you any more.”
This also applies to long distance relationships. Say your boyfriend is suddenly sent to another location for work and you decide to continue dating over Skype, with phone calls and texts. Long-distance relationships are one of the hardest things in the world to endure, and will fail if you don’t have definite, scheduled meet-ups planned or a clear, unchanging end date. But if the stress becomes too much, it’s OK to throw in the towel. Some people simply can’t do long distance - I can’t.
13. When he tries to corral you away from your family and friends.
Now we’re dipping out of toxic relationships and into abusive ones. Your partner doesn’t have to hit you in order to be abusive, although that absolutely and unquestionably qualifies him as such. Keeping you away from your family and friends is just as wrong.
He may believe your family and friends will talk bad about him and encourage you to leave him. Hint: If your family and friends have bad things to say, listen.
14. When one of you is repeatedly threatening to end it.
It doesn’t matter if you’re doing this or he is. Once the “threatening game” starts - “If you say that one more time, then it’s over” - it’s over. It’s cruel to hold your relationship as leverage over someone, and this is characteristic of nearly every unhealthy relationship.
15. When your partner is more in control of how you live your life than you are.
When you reach a point that the clothes you wear, the people you spend time with, and the things you do for fun are all chosen by your partner and not you, leave.
The biggest mistake so many guys make in relationships is spending too much time with their boyfriends and not remembering that they have lives and friend circles outside of their relationships that require maintenance. If your boyfriend is domineering to the point that your power and control over your time shifts to him, you’ve reached an unhealthy place and need to get out.
Partners take our spare time and energy - they make us happy on afternoons after work and when we have nothing else to do. If things are serious and you live together, they are given the energy you reserve for them after yourself. If anyone is taking up all your time and energy, they’re a bad partner, and you should look elsewhere.
16. When they have fallen for someone else.
Most readers can surmise that I’m a massive fan of nonmonogamy and polyamory, but I will be the first one to admit that these relationship setups are hard and require strong, consistent communication, a lot of trial and error, and a hefty capacity for forgiveness. Many nonmonogamous setups allow for sexual freedoms not found in monogamy, but few, in my experience, make allowances for emotional affairs outside the relationship.
Sexual infidelity and romantic infidelity are two different things. The first one is less fearful, at least to me. The second one is. If your agreement is to be open or semi-open sexually, he’s cheating if he falls for someone else and doesn’t tell you.
If he tells you honestly about his feelings, be understanding and decide what to do. Be grateful for his honesty. Chances are you’re going to break up, but many couples I know have managed to make allowances for these things: The third guy becomes part of their polyamorous setup, or partners simply let their boyfriends do what they need to do, understanding that different people satisfy you in different ways. But no one will fault you for feeling that things need to end.
As you can see, communication is the key to handling clean, easy breakups. Put the plates down and lower your voice. Do not go into a breakup situation with the intent of hurting someone. Although there are often endless reasons to leave someone, there is no need to hurt them.
Good luck with the breakup. Take a few months to yourself. The next person is just around the corner, waiting for you to run into him when you least expect it.
Read part 1 in here
Humans are not meant to stay together forever. It’s not in our genetic makeup. You may retort, “My parents were together for 65 years!” That’s wonderful, and they might have loved each other till the very end, but the stigma attached to divorce has been somewhat heavy until the last couple generations - staying together might have been considered their only option. And if boredom crept in, tough luck.
You don’t have to stay with anyone forever. That is a wonderful feature of our modern world with its hookup apps and high divorce rate and luxury airplanes. You can always leave.
And if your partner is simply not giving you the thrill in your life that you’re looking for, or if you are considering spending a year or two single, leave them. You’re doing the kinder thing by letting them go than continuing a relationship when you’re dissatisfied.
11. When you’re fighting constantly.
When people talk about breakups, toxic relationships always come up. They’re an uncomfortable topic because many of us have been in one. A toxic relationship causes more stress than pleasure for one or both (or all) people involved. The most common feature of toxic relationships: constant fighting.
If you’ve reached the point where you can predict the next fight and watch it brew without any surprise, ask yourself if this is really the kind of setup you wan to be in. Constant arguing is unhealthy on a physical and mental level - it will make you sick.
The frustrating truth about toxic relationships - and one of the things that make them so toxic - is that despite their stress, people generally have a hard time ending them. Some people get accustomed to the fighting, others are scared of being single, others feel they are obligated to stay.
None of these are true. If you find yourself in a relationship like this, there is no salvaging it. Break up as soon as possible.
12. When your primary source of stress is your partner.
Even if you’re not fighting constantly, your partner can still be your main source of stress. Stress is one of the hardest things on the body and will literally weaken your immune system. If your relationship is making you unhealthy, you owe it to yourself to end it.
Say you’re in an open relationship with your boyfriend and he has a tendency to have wild nights and hit the town on substances and have a blast - and you’re worried about him. Communicating these concerns can be hard, since he might misinterpret it as you judging his activities or trying to shame him. But you’re honestly, sincerely worried about some of the choices he’s been making and you want him to make sure he’s never in a car with a drunk driver.
You can handle this kind of worry up to a point - and then you need to get out. My last relationship reached a point like this. I was the party boy and he was the one at home worrying, and he made the right decision for himself to end it. During the breakup, his literal words were “I just can’t worry about you any more.”
This also applies to long distance relationships. Say your boyfriend is suddenly sent to another location for work and you decide to continue dating over Skype, with phone calls and texts. Long-distance relationships are one of the hardest things in the world to endure, and will fail if you don’t have definite, scheduled meet-ups planned or a clear, unchanging end date. But if the stress becomes too much, it’s OK to throw in the towel. Some people simply can’t do long distance - I can’t.
13. When he tries to corral you away from your family and friends.
Now we’re dipping out of toxic relationships and into abusive ones. Your partner doesn’t have to hit you in order to be abusive, although that absolutely and unquestionably qualifies him as such. Keeping you away from your family and friends is just as wrong.
He may believe your family and friends will talk bad about him and encourage you to leave him. Hint: If your family and friends have bad things to say, listen.
14. When one of you is repeatedly threatening to end it.
It doesn’t matter if you’re doing this or he is. Once the “threatening game” starts - “If you say that one more time, then it’s over” - it’s over. It’s cruel to hold your relationship as leverage over someone, and this is characteristic of nearly every unhealthy relationship.
15. When your partner is more in control of how you live your life than you are.
When you reach a point that the clothes you wear, the people you spend time with, and the things you do for fun are all chosen by your partner and not you, leave.
The biggest mistake so many guys make in relationships is spending too much time with their boyfriends and not remembering that they have lives and friend circles outside of their relationships that require maintenance. If your boyfriend is domineering to the point that your power and control over your time shifts to him, you’ve reached an unhealthy place and need to get out.
Partners take our spare time and energy - they make us happy on afternoons after work and when we have nothing else to do. If things are serious and you live together, they are given the energy you reserve for them after yourself. If anyone is taking up all your time and energy, they’re a bad partner, and you should look elsewhere.
16. When they have fallen for someone else.
Most readers can surmise that I’m a massive fan of nonmonogamy and polyamory, but I will be the first one to admit that these relationship setups are hard and require strong, consistent communication, a lot of trial and error, and a hefty capacity for forgiveness. Many nonmonogamous setups allow for sexual freedoms not found in monogamy, but few, in my experience, make allowances for emotional affairs outside the relationship.
Sexual infidelity and romantic infidelity are two different things. The first one is less fearful, at least to me. The second one is. If your agreement is to be open or semi-open sexually, he’s cheating if he falls for someone else and doesn’t tell you.
If he tells you honestly about his feelings, be understanding and decide what to do. Be grateful for his honesty. Chances are you’re going to break up, but many couples I know have managed to make allowances for these things: The third guy becomes part of their polyamorous setup, or partners simply let their boyfriends do what they need to do, understanding that different people satisfy you in different ways. But no one will fault you for feeling that things need to end.
As you can see, communication is the key to handling clean, easy breakups. Put the plates down and lower your voice. Do not go into a breakup situation with the intent of hurting someone. Although there are often endless reasons to leave someone, there is no need to hurt them.
Good luck with the breakup. Take a few months to yourself. The next person is just around the corner, waiting for you to run into him when you least expect it.
Read part 1 in here
By Alexander Cheves
0 Comments