Let me start off by saying I’m a huge believer in love, but sadly there are countless of gay men who are losing their optimism. With so many unhealthy voices, it’s becoming the “cool” thing to diss love. This is where I put my foot down.

Most of the excuses we use one way or another has to do with personal experiences. But there comes a time where we need to separate our experiences from reality. Not everything is as it seems in our heads. The reasons why we’re falling out of love with love has seldom to do with truth and all to do with self-convincing. 

Here are just a few:

1. Gay Men Want to Be Single or Have a Husband

I can’t tell you how many of my gay friends are searching for husbands now that marriage equality is progressing further into other states. Too many of us are trying to skip over the “boyfriend” phase and go directly into the “husband” stage. So much so that within the first week of starting a relationship, we start treating each other like we’ve been married for twenty years instead of relishing the beginning stages. This is the time where you ought to have fun rather than settle down, but most of us want the family more than the man. We rush too quickly and often times are disappointed when our boyfriend isn’t on the same page so we’ve give up hope.

2. Cynicism is Becoming Part of the Gay Culture

It seems like each year, gay men are becoming less supportive of not only their own efforts, but the world’s as a whole. Nothing is ever good enough. No matter how many dates we go on, something always has to be wrong with either the guy, the restaurant, the food, the place, etc. Deep down, we’re always looking for an excuse to prove ourselves by showing how “better” we are or how much we know the answers to life’s biggest problems. It’s become easy for us to judge rather than to accept which makes us depend on unrealistic standards. The sad result is to view affection as inconsistent and a waste of time. A standard cynical mindset.

3. Gay Men Have Serious Trust Issues

There are so many ways of putting ourselves out there. Grindr, OkCupid and other dating sites have made it easier to find love. That’s great! But for many guys who pull themselves short, they know how easy it is to shift your attention from one man to another with ease. I’ve known plenty of guys who hook up with numerous men on Grindr and by the time they find a boyfriend, they’ve lost their ability to trust him since they know how easy it is to cheat or find a random encounter. Let’s face it. For gay guys, it’s easy as hell to find a one night stand. The amount of guys looking for sex is astronomical so the only way of building trust in a relationship is to find it within ourselves first. If you can’t trust your own urgings, it will be much harder to depend on someone else.

4. Same-sex Family Planning is Complicated

It’s easy to hear our straight friends say “Oh I can’t wait to have a family” or “We’re trying to get pregnant” or “I can’t miss my birth control. I don’t want to have any surprises!” For gay guys who dream of having children, a husband, and the picket fence, it’s hard to understand that for us, it’s a million times more difficult. So much so that I’ve seen plenty of gay men give up on their dreams. It’s a sad truth that starting a family is much harder for us than our straight counterparts, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

5. Lack of Effort in Finding Gay Role-models

As someone who’s parents were divorced, I know how hard it is to find a good example of a healthy relationship to draw from. Often times our parents become the baseline to judge our own boyfriends. Finding healthy gayrelationships can be just as difficult, especially when much of the world has certain misconceptions about how same sex relationships ought to be. There are fine examples in the world if you just find them, and I can guarantee they all share similar qualities. Love, trust, and devotion. Stop relying on bad examples as the end all-be all to how every relationship eventually turns out. Every couple has their ups and downs, but the good ones never take their downs personally, but rather a challenge to overcome. Start looking at how the good ones treat each other and use them as inspiration.

An open letter signed by more than 100 authors including JM Coetzee, David Malouf and Helen Garner encourages support for ‘equality and social reform’.

More than 100 prominent Australian authors including JM Coetzee, David Malouf and Helen Garner have put their names to an open letter urging Australians to vote yes in the same-sex marriage postal survey, in what they called “the interest of fairness, equality and social reform”.

Peter Rose, editor of Australian Book Review, contacted a host of names from Australia’s arts community following the high court’s decision earlier this month to allow the federal government’s postal vote to go ahead. With voting now well under way – and a decisive lead currently held by the yes side, according to a Guardian Essential poll – the literary journal has published the letter to its readers, signed by names including actor and writer Magda Szubanski, ballet dancer and author of Mao’s Last Dancer Li Cunxin, and the authors Geraldine Brooks, Michelle de Kretser, Kate Grenville and Christos Tsiolkas.

“One very good, and unexpected, result of this public discussion is that those of us who knew ourselves to be one with the family of LGBTQI now feel more openly a part of that union,” said author Alex Miller. “Before this business, the togetherness was implicit; now, at least here in this community, it is a stated reality. And stronger, I think. People have stood up.”

What’s your preferential sex position? I know you have one. Let’s talk man to man here. One of the things that make us different from straight people is sex. We don’t have to be confined to strictly “top” or “bottom” positions like heterosexual couples are. Gay guys can switch it up from time to time. Sex will always be a new experience – but only if we let it.

There are plenty of happy gay couples who prefer to stick to their top/bottom roles. Personally I think it’s a sad mirror of heterosexual relationships. When one is always the “man” and the other is always the “woman,” it has the potential to bleed into other aspects of your lives. These roles will slowly manifest itself in how we treat each other: at least in my experience.

The idea that we are our positions annoys me beyond all measure. Often times the titles we choose end up psychologically affecting our personalities. Most of the time it happens naturally. I saw it in the men I’ve dates who were “total tops.” For whatever reason they felt it was their duty to pay for my meals, be the big spoon and set his boundaries early-on that he was the “man” of the house. Clearly that didn’t sit well with moi. But the same thing happens on the opposite end. Many of my friends who call themselves “total bottoms” act like housewives to their men, submissive and fragile. Obviously this isn’t true for all gay men, but damn it I’ve seen it time and time again.

As a versatile man, I don’t have to deal with any of that crap. It wasn’t always like this, however. When I first came out of the closet I was absolutely petrified to bottom for my boyfriends. Not just because I thought it was going to be painful, but psychologically it made me the woman. I wanted to be a man. To be penetrated meant to take away everything I thought I was supposed to be. As I got older I realized this was anything but true.

'I watched him get married in London, now let him get married in Australia too'.

I love my twin brother more than anything. I was the first person he ever came out to and recently, he asked me to be his best man at his wedding in London.

But as the straight identical twin brother of my now married womb buddy, it is hard to imagine a universe where the wedding I attended just over a month ago means absolutely nothing in the country we love – Australia.

When asked to be the best man, official witness to the ceremony and give a speech to an audience of hundreds at the reception, I jumped at the opportunity.

(Steven presenting the ring for his identical twin brother James)

After taking a week of leave without pay in my job as a high school teacher, I would spend more time in transit to and from London than I would in the mother country itself but it was worth it. How often does your identical twin brother marry the man of his dreams, right?

As I joked in my speech, I first met James almost 26 years ago and at the time we were both in a pretty dark place. I had to thank our dear mother Elizabeth for pushing us out of that place. Although satirical, it has taken on a new meaning of late.

A new survey reveals that both men and women are waiting longer to have sex.

Here's how you thought dating worked in 2017: You swiped right on a girl, talked to her for a little while, and before you know it you were making plans to Netflix and Chill. Sex didn't exactly have to happen, but it usually did. Now, forget everything you thought you knew, because it turns out that the casual hookup may be a thing of the past. A new survey's found that everyone's waiting longer to have sex.

In a poll of 2,000 adults, Groupon found that the average person will wait eight dates until they take their new relationship to the next level. When the results were split even further between men and women, Groupon found that men feel sex is okay at any point after the fifth date (although nine times more men than women thought having sex on the first date is okay), but women would rather wait until date nine. (And make sure you’re playing it safe with these LELO Hex Condoms from the Men’s Health store.)

The survey addressed other aspects of dating as well. For example, guys, if you want to plan the perfect first date, 74 percent of Groupon’s respondents said the best activities are dinner and a movie, grabbing drinks at a bar, or getting coffee.

But make an effort to get to know your date before you start suggesting places to go. Nearly 1 in 10 people have turned down a date because they didn’t like the suggested restaurant. And if and when you do make it out, keep in mind that almost one-third of people were turned off when their date told them what to order or ate off their plate. (Here are some other tips to make sure your first date goes well.)

Mum sat me down for “the talk.” Her 17-year-old son was taking his teenage rage a tad too far – frequent late nights, sometimes disappearing for whole weekends, and this time, rolling into the home with a hickey on his neck.

“I know you’re at the age where you’re starting to have sex. I had the same conversation with your brother at his age. I just want to make sure you’re using protection,” she calmly advised. I suspected this was her attempt to obtain the truth of my activities, and orientation, and responded in kind. “What if I told you I like boys instead of girls?” Her face froze and almost lengthened in anguish. “What?” she replied in the faintest of voices, hoping what I said was a mistake of her hearing. I repeated my question, slowly so there was no disputing the fact.

What ensued was a rampage – a tirade of insults and inconsolable wailing. My two sisters rushed into the living room at the sound of my mother’s emotional breakdown, but none of our attempts to calm her down had any impact. I feared she would tell my father, who was conveniently still at work. I hurriedly gathered what belongings I could, and had my sisters drop me off where I had arranged to meet a gay friend, who had allowed me to stay while the ordeal unfolded. My sisters and I exchanged hugs – none of us knew what would be the outcome once my father found out. We all had the same expression of worry in our eyes, but I was assured of their support.

In the meantime, I called my brother, who was living in Canberra, and informed him of the volcano that had erupted in the family home. I came out to my siblings at 15; in a way we were all preparing for this day. I asked him to return to Melbourne and help insulate me from Dad’s reaction. It would take him several days to arrange time. As the eldest child, and male, my brother’s voice yielded significant weight in this patriarchal Australian-Lebanese family. I had to weather the storm a few days until he arrived.

I heard nothing from my parents or sisters that night. The following morning, I received a call from my aunt – my father’s sister – saying she was coming to pick me up. Great, I thought, not even 24 hours has passed, and the entire family knows. “I always knew,” my aunt said in the car ride home, “I just didn’t want to believe it.”

I walked into my home, gasping. I had no idea what awaited me, my mind had prepared for the worst: eviction. My gay friend the previous night assured me I had a place to stay if it came to that, having experienced the difficulty of coming out to his own parents.

It was a family circus – my father’s youngest brother was also there, as well as my mother and sisters. It was clear that they all beseeched my father to try to approach the matter calmly. Whatever pretension he was trying to maintain didn’t last for long. He wanted to have a chat, and took me into his bedroom, my mother and aunt followed. “Don’t be afraid,” he said, as I sat on the edge of the bed, him towering above. I couldn’t look him in the eyes. I was afraid. “What are you?” he asked. I didn’t respond. He repeated. Still no response, no eye contact. He ramped up the pressure, and I began to buckle. He kept repeating the question, insisting, elevating his voice, I broke down. He knew. He kept asking the question, this time with a hysterical cry. “I’m a faggot,” I replied, submerged in shame. He stormed out of the room in tears.

Moments passed. We had calmed. At the urging of the other family members, Dad attempted to “negotiate” a deal that would keep me at home. “Try to be straight for a year – no gay friends, no gay bars, no gay anything. If you’re still gay after a year, I’ll accept you.” The alternative was I pack my bags. Did I have a choice, despite how ludicrous and impossible the offer was? I was in no position to bargain, and they were in no position to listen. “OK,” I said.

Of course I didn’t give up my gay friends. They had become my backbone, my main source of support and freedom at a time of homophobia and exclusion at home and school. We were that for each other, young LGBT folks supporting each other through this insufferable rite of passage.

My first male to male relationship began at seventeen with a queen as confused as myself.

My second and full on living together, constantly drama-filled torturous relationship began at 20 and ended at 23.

Because I had no self esteem and had spent time being brutalized,my third shot at glory lasted a year.

Reviewing all of these abysmal interactions and the subsequent fall out (which generally meant me crying,not eating and wailing “why don’t you love me ?”) forces the realization that none of us knew how to date.

We all knew how to create grief and enough drama to ensure a butt load of Emmys. What we didn’t know was how to offer kindness, how to get to know each other outside of the bedroom and how to build a non-exploitative relationship.

Even when pop culture attempts to create gay male relationships there is rarely love-based discussions and grappling with choices that determine the fate of all involved parties. There is plenty of sex and upset but the complexity of what men being with men looks like often goes unseen and unexamined. The one glimpse of men attempting to date (this occurred after having sex I believe) was the wonderful scene in Six Feet Under wherein the discussion (post breakup) reveals that although sex was frequent psychological visibility was not. David nor Keith had the tools to be “out” with one another and reveal what they loved and admired about one another.

This one scene sums up the reality of most gay male coupling: We understand the mechanics of sex and yet are all thumbs when it comes to psychological and emotional commitment and understanding.

As a group who still remains largely defined by what we engage in sexually, it is difficult to resist the siren call of the mainstream and our subculture that says we don’t require tools for building and maintaining relationships and our relationships lack complexity and therefore should not be taken seriously.

I know, I know. You don’t have to sleep with anyone to know whom you’re attracted to, and, at least in many Western cultures, you can sleep with whomever you want and call yourself whatever you like. We’d be foolish to think, though, that judgment wasn’t placed on us by ourselves and others based on how we self-identify and how closely that aligns with our actual behaviors.

Where is the line between fantasy, desire, bedroom behavior, and identity, and who gets to draw it?

Even the most enlightened among us have probably placed judgment on someone at some point for not “owning up” to their preferences: the politician who keeps a coiffed trophy wife around to maintain his “electability status” but sleeps with same-sex prostitutes in secret; the straight guy who throws homophobic slurs but flirts with men when he’s had more than four beers; the straight housewife who fantasizes about scoring with the other soccer moms and was never in love with her husband. Less overt examples that seem to stir the pot include the self-identified bisexual who sleeps mostly with same-sex partners, and the woman who sleeps exclusively with men but wears more rainbow gear than the NYC pride parade and talks about gay rights like she’s part of the marginalized cohort.

Around dinner tables and happy-hour beers, under our breath and between the sheets with our lovers, we place pressure on ourselves and others to be “true” to whom we say we are - and we feel uneasy when the sum isn’t reflective of all the parts. There’s a visceral reaction many of us have, however right or wrong, when we see someone breaking the rules of engagement between sexual identity and behavior that we’ve come to know and play by.

Why Do We Care?

Is a gold-star lesbian a more “authentic” lesbian than one who’s slept with multiple men? Is a self-identified lesbian who has sex with more men than women an imposter? How many times can a self-proclaimed bisexual sleep with someone of the same sex before others start to whisper that his identity is being worn like a protective veil and that he’s gay and afraid to admit it?

Is sexual identity more about attraction or politics? What about the social, emotional, mental, and physical factors, and can any of these ever really be separated? What’s the difference between the labels you assign (or don’t) to yourself and how others perceive you? Are you “allowed” to get a share with the boys in Fire Island Pines if you’re straight? Are you “permitted” to keep a straight partner whom you’re not sexually attracted to in order to maintain an outward heterosexual lifestyle? And why does it bother us so much when someone seems to violate those rules we’ve all silently agreed on?

The small township of Bourke in far western New South Wales is a small speck of dust swimming in a vast ocean of ruby red dirt and is home to the Barkindji people since time immemorial.

Every summer a wave of heat unfurls over the region, coming in from a flat scrub thick with twisted saltbush and gum trees.

I was born and bred on this magnificent country, and summertime is one of my most cherished memories.

The other memory that I hold from my childhood is not as endearing. Often it’s a nightmare that still wakes me in a cold sweat in the dead of night. 

It’s the memory of feeling like an alien in the country that my ancestors have been caretakers of for millennia. Of not feeling like a man, or what I thought an Aboriginal man was supposed to be.

I vividly remember starting to be attracted to other boys when I was around 12 years old. It was a feeling that made my blood run cold.

I often thought of death through my teenage years. The thought of being gay was almost too much to bear. I used to imagine all the ways I could kill myself, every conceivable scenario, what I would write on my suicide note. There was a dark jungle of confusion inside me and I couldn’t see my way clear of it.

I stood alone, frozen with fear, for a very long time at the intersection of racism and homophobia.

“Abo, faggot, poofter, coon, half-caste.” I was singled out by all and still carry scars left by volleys of verbal shots levelled at me by angry boys and men throughout those years. Even now, as I write this, a tear balloons in the corner of my eye.

It wasn’t until I moved to Sydney that I found freedom among the concrete towers and in the loving embrace of older staunch gay black men, women and sistergirls. They taught me I was exactly how I was meant to be, that we have existed in our beautiful culture since the very beginning.

Many of them have since passed, gone too young and without social acceptance. They were giants in my eyes, and I stand on their shoulders, but the pain was too much for them. I miss them dearly.

This is a useful article that I came across in relation to sexual confusion and sexual identity … in particular the process of ‘coming out’.

The checklist is interesting … ask yourselves these questions below to help gain clarification if you may be gay. I’m not sure that each question in it’s own right is sufficient, but the author does suggest that the threshold is answering 5 or more with ‘yes’. Either way, the questions are valid and should provide an opportunity for some personal reflection.

The coming out story is also useful as it touches on one man’s relationship with, and his experience of coming out to, his father.

Coming Out – Overcoming the Guilt Factor

Is guilt about your sexual identity causing problems in your life? If so, answer the following questions to see if guilt over claiming your sexual identity may be limiting your ability to live a satisfying life:

- Do you long to tell someone important in your life, (your parents, a friend, a sibling, or a colleague) that you are gay?

- Are you sick and tired of pretending to be heterosexual?

- Have you chastised yourself for being attracted to those of the same gender?

- Have you had heterosexual relationships in an effort to “make yourself straight”?

- Have you been attracted to the same gender for as long as you can remember?

- When you watch a love scene in a movie, are you attracted to the character who’s the same gender as you?

- Have you tried to squelch your same-sex attraction in every way you know how, but to no avail?

- Do openly gay or lesbian individuals or couples make you envious?

- Have you visited a place where homosexuality is acceptable, just to see what it felt like to be in an atmosphere of tolerance? (For example: a bar or club; a party or social gathering; a religious community; a town, city, or country.

- Have you had a sexual relationship with a same-sex partner?

- Are you drawn to books and movies about same-sex relationships?

- Do you fantasize about being out?

- Are you irresistibly drawn to members of the same sex?

- Do you often think that your life is a lie?

- Do you fantasize about same-sex relationships?

- Do you think God is displeased with you or will punish you because of your same-sex attractions?

- Do you wish you lived someplace where homosexuality was more acceptable?

- Are you in a heterosexual marriage or relationship but know you’re gay or lesbian?

If you answered yes to five or more questions, it is likely that you are gay or lesbian and feel guilty about claiming your sexuality.

As you can see, some questions in the quiz are aimed at people who aren’t sure whether they’re gay, and some questions are for those who do know but keep it a secret out of guilt. The quiz is structured that way because the guilt of same-sex attraction can obscure the truth and cause people to doubt what they think or feel. Many people who find themselves irresistibly drawn to members of the same sex feel so guilty about it that they become experts at hiding it from themselves.

I have worked with a number of people who sought my counsel because they didn’t know whether or not they were gay. In almost every case, the guilt of acknowledging their homosexuality was so great that it took therapy to help them break through it.

It is important to say that in the case of acknowledging homosexuality, guilt is not the only culprit. Shame can also be operative.

Guilt is feeling wrong or bad about what we do or do not do, and shame is feeling wrong or bad about who we are. Since sexuality is an integral part of our identity, people who have same-sex attraction often feel bad or wrong about who they are as human beings. When toxic guilt and shame are both active, it is an all-out attack on a person’s positive sense of self.

Sex is a part of human nature, and boy am I glad it is! You know I love me some good sex, but you might be surprised to know that sex is more than just a release of tension and a display of intimacy. Depending on your likes and preferences, it can be a pretty accurate description of who you are as a person. And let’s face it, we’re all pretty f**ked up so we might as well get f**ked down.

Aren’t you sick of vanilla sex? If you’re married, the last thing you want is to repeat the same moves over and over again like a broken record. Till death do us part, sure, but death might come a little faster than you expected unless you change it up from time to time. Deep down, sex is a mirror. It can reveal to us intimate things we might never have known about ourselves. So let’s talk about it!

1. Man On Top

Depending on whether you’re riding the bull or not says a lot about how you view the world. Do you believe in hard work or not? If you’re the one pulling up a sweat doing that power bottom thang you do, that’s some heavy devotion. But if you’re lying on your back, sure the view might be nice, but help a brother out from time to time! Are you used to having everything being handed to you on a silver platter? It’s clear where the balance of the relationship is. Don’t get me wrong, I love to ride my bull all night long – but I always expect to get something in return. My sweat don’t come free.

2. Missionary

There’s nothing wrong with playing by the rules, but are you letting it get in the way of taking chances? Are you always getting the same kind of drink when you go to a coffee shop? Are you always getting chicken when you go to a Chinese restaurant? Start taking risks. Sure missionary is a very intimate way of looking lovingly into the eyes of your partner, but hey, you already know what he looks like. It’s nice to let intimacy be the top priority in sex, but never let it become a barrier towards new discoveries. Chances are, you like to see the good things in life. Optimistic are you, eh? Well… be careful your optimism doesn’t turn into naivety.

3. Mirror Sex

You like to look at yourself not just to see if you’re doing it right, but also… you look damn good. Maybe you should be having sex with yourself then. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a bad thing at all. In fact I think it’s quite a turn on, but let’s face it, you want to see what your ass looks like when it’s spread eagle. You probably take it to other levels too like role play, dirty outfits and, dare I say, sex taping. You love to spend your paycheck on hair product and private training sessions, don’t ya? Nothing wrong with that, but make sure you don’t lose track of everything else. Like the guy you’re having sex with… remember him? Yeah.

The mail said if same-sex marriage is legalized, women will be more likely to be raped in public toilets.

Benedict Brook is a Sydney-based journalist who has been in a relationship with his partner Cameron for more than 10 years.

Here he shares their reaction to receiving an anti-marriage equality leaflet in the mail during Australia’s postal survey on the issue.

(Sydney couple Benedict and Cameron came up with the best response to homophobic hate mail)

Benedict and Cam’s story

Lying among a pile of envelopes on the living room table, it looked innocent enough.

Between a bill and a magazine, it was a just another plain piece of paper. Photocopied, black and white with Chinese text on one side, English on the other.

I live in a diverse area of Sydney, and our household often gets pamphlets in different languages. Perhaps it was something from the council, I thought? Maybe our rubbish collection day was changing?

No, it was something far more insidious. It masqueraded as a campaign letter for the same-sex marriage debate. But in reality it was something else - it was homophobic, and transphobic, hate mail.

I’ve been reporting on LGBTI issues for 20 years - I’ve been gay even longer - so I’m pretty thick skinned when it comes to this kind of stuff.

But this piece of paper was something else. It said that if my relationship, a relationship I’ve been in for more than a decade, were recognised as marriage then women would be raped in public toilets. I kid you not.

Here is the actual sentence from the leaflet. ‘The number of victims being raped in public female bathrooms in those countries that has passed the same-sex marriage law is a stunning fact to all.’

It’s not a ‘stunning fact to all’. It’s garbage. It’s a lie meant to smear gay Australians and scare my neighbours into voting no. Voting that is happening right now.

That was not the only objectionable item in the letter that was posted across my suburb. Lines about ‘homosexuality being the curse of death’ and terminating ‘the family bloodline’ as if gay people will suddenly turn straight and push out some kids if marriage is denied them.

But the rape bit, that was the real kick in the guts.

From the coffee shop to the research lab, people have been trying to figure out why men are gay for years. Are people born gay or do these feelings develop over time? It's still a mystery, but that doesn't stop researchers and laymen alike from asking if our environments are to blame, as if being gay is an affliction that needs to be solved like a cycle of poverty.

Some psychologists and ex-gay therapy groups often throw in the claim that gay men long for other men out of a subconscious need to connect with an absent or lacking father.

According to theories, this "father hunger" is so strong that gay men deny their "natural" attractions and head toward the boy's room.

(illustrating image)

I'm no psychologist, but the idea of father hunger sounds plausible given the number of subconscious actions we take based on environmental influences. Like other cognitive imbalances - if you can call them that - same-sex attraction can be cured through therapy, right? Let me answer before I'm misquoted (again) by anti-gay groups: Not a chance!

What's Not Being Said

Theories about your sexuality and underlying urges to have a relationship with your father neglect to mention one key component: Straight men also have daddy issues that affect their lives well into adulthood.

Straightguise.com wrote of the work of author, psychotherapist and relationship expert Terrance Real. Real shaped a model of therapy called Relational Empowerment Therapy. The RET model suggests that when men embrace their innate ability to give and receive intimacy, they're better able to care for themselves and their partners.

Real's work focuses mainly on male-female relationships, but his study of straight men and father issues is key to knocking back claims that fatherless environments - both literal and figurative - breed gay men.

Take what Straightguise.com writes about Real's narrative book :

"It illustrates that straight men have problems with their fathers similar to those that gay men face. In other words, the father issues gay men face have little to do with being gay, but everything to do with growing up males without appropriate father figures."

Sex is almost like a fine wine; it just gets better with time and age. It is the same with men and sex. Most men, in the beginning of their sexual history, are inexperienced but always trying to figure out new methods to help their partners have better orgasms. The same goes for women. It takes a while before a woman is in touch with her sexuality and is comfortable exploring and learning what makes her cum harder.

Men with lots of experience in bed

Even men that have had several women in bed can really suck. It just happens! The reason is likely that they are selfish in bed and only care about themselves and blowing their load. They never take the time to see what the woman wants or likes. However, there are men that have had several women and have made sex an art form. These are the men that are going to be insanely good in bed. Not only do they know all about oral sex, but they know just how to find the G-spot. That can make sex explosive. You know you have had explosive sex when you just lie there afterward, basking in a glow of sweat. Experience comes with practice and age, so don’t get discouraged if you are young. Take the time to know your partner and listen to any requests. You won’t be sorry.

Body image is vital

When a woman is in bed naked, she is already frightened about her body. When a man slides in next to a woman, the most important thing he can do is make her feel beautiful and sexy. Even if a woman has a few extra pounds, a man has to treat her as if she is the sexiest woman in the world. Doing this opens a new world of sexual exploration. The whole weight issue is thrown out the window, and the woman will love sex with her partner even more. Most women will never say exactly how they feel, so immediately start kissing her all over her body. She won’t even be able to digest her insecurities, because she will already be getting aroused.

After last week’s leaked document to the Guardian suggesting post-Brexit immigration policy will dramatically refocus policy to put British workers first – Adam Benghiat is worried.

He’s a 27-year-old French national who grew up just south of Paris in Brie-Comte-Robert and now lives in Bedford.

Since the Brexit vote, he’s been living in a growing sense of fear that sooner rather than later, ‘things are going to be way more difficult for me.’

He says watching news about last week’s leaked document was particularly terrifying. Speaking to Gay Star News he says:

‘After the referendum and David Cameron’s resignation, and even still a few months ago, I genuinely thought the government was going to realize the mistake they had made.

‘But this document is indeed the proof that shit is getting real: and that’s super scary.’

Benghiat fears the politicians rhetoric will mean Brexit could see an increasing rise in hate towards Europeans.

‘They say they are going to “deter EU immigrants” What does that mean? What if they send people back to the border? Could it even mean encouraging British people to report EU Nationals suddenly illegally living in the UK?

‘This may end up all being an exaggeration. Or it may not. That’s what I fear: we don’t know.’

Today the Labour opposition is planning to oppose a key piece of legislation in front of the UK Government as part of Brexit.

If successful, it will start the process of ending the supremacy the EU has on British law by converting all existing EU laws into domestic UK ones.

However, Labour says they believe it amounts to a power grab, as Conservative ministers will be able to alter some laws without Parliamentary approval.

This all adds to the uncertainty and worry Benghiat feels.

Living in fear

This uncertainty is making it difficult for Benghiat and thousands of other LGBTI Europeans to plan for their future here.

Benghiat is an actor, so on a professional level, he fears acting agents will stop hiring foreign people.

‘When an agent offers you representation, it basically means they believe in you and they are going to invest in you, but after this many won’t take the risk of wasting their time and money on people who will evidently be refused some work because of their nationality.’

Are they paranoid we’re trying to seduce them? Are they jealous of our relationships with their girlfriends? Do they ever secretly wonder … what if? We asked one of them to find the answers.

He was standing in my doorway, his face flushed. He wouldn’t make eye contact. “I’ve got something I need to tell you,” he said, his voice shaky. I assumed he was going to tell me he couldn’t make rent. Or maybe that he’d taken money from me.

“I’m gay,” he said.

I just stared at him. I could tell he wanted me to say something; he looked like he was about to burst into flames. “I understand if you want me to move out,” he continued. I felt bad for him. I wanted to let him know that I wasn’t disgusted, or angry, or whatever else he might think my silence implied.

“But what about all those girls you said you banged?” I asked. The look on his face told me he wasn’t expecting that question.

“All guys.” He sounded cautious. I rolled his answer around in my mouth for a minute. The implications were staggering.

“And the married chick?”

(Illustrating image)

“He was a married guy.” I conjured an image of him, hunched over some guy whose poor wife was out of town. Then I laughed. And then so did he. It was understood that I was not upset, that he would not have to pack, and that the details could work themselves out later. And they did. We gradually slipped back into our routine. In the few weeks immediately following his coming out, though, my other two roommates and I clucked like hens.

“I said ‘fag,’ like, a hundred times around him. Do you think he’s pissed?”

“Me too! I said he looked gay when he was wearing those white pants.”

“Well, you were right.”

“Wait! He said he fucked that one girl on the couch when we were at the beach. Yo, man-two guys fucked each other on our couch!”

“Holy shit.”

Conversations between three men in their late twenties about their gay friend are eerily similar to conversations between boys in their early teens about girls. You’re not like us, you have cooties, and we gossip. For this article, I gossiped with every straight man I know about gay guys. I sat friends down in my living room, ambushed buddies on a snowboarding trip, recruited wives to corner their husbands in their kitchens. But truthfully, you come up in our conversations anyway. In the car one afternoon, entirely unprovoked, my friend Eric, who does tech support, offered this about a bar we frequent: “There were a bunch of gay couples at the Taproom. Downingtown is starting to come up.”

I think that’s a good place to begin. You are status symbols to us. Without thinking too much of it, we gauge the affluence of whatever place we’re sucking down beers in by the number of gay men we can pick out in the crowd. The food must be good; the place must be trendy, progressive, “coming up.” My brother Jon works in luxury retail, and contends that his gay clients have more expendable income and take better care of themselves. All the straight guys I spoke to agreed. Not a bad stereotype to live up to. And one of the benefits is that you attract women.

We have a few bugaboos, though. I’m not friends with anybody from the Westboro Baptist Church, so none of my buddies have anything outright malicious to say. But they agreed, almost unanimously, that overly flamboyant gay men are, to put it gently, hard to take. I’m not talking about crossing your legs at the knee or speaking like … well, like a gay guy. I’m talking about the fishnet tank-tops and cutoffs with pockets hanging out of the bottom. It has nothing to do with the fact that these guys are gay. It’s because-and I’m going to quote a friend here-“They’re acting like douchebags.” There were comparisons to the cast of Jersey Shore. It’s fine if your clothes say something about you, but your t-shirt shouldn’t literally say “I fuck dudes.” (That’s a real shirt. I’ve seen it.) The fact is, nobody likes anything rubbed in their face: not your religion, not your politics, not your vegan whatever, and most definitely not your bulging hot pants.Some of us are lucky enough to reap those rewards. My buddy Mike’s best friend growing up recently came out of the closet. Once the awkward “Are you in love with me?” question was put to bed (figuratively, of course), Mike put his buddy to work. “Girls love having gay guys around because they’re into fashion and they don’t feel threatened,” Mike says. “I actually ended up having sex with two chicks one night because he was my wingman. Whereas if he wasn’t gay, one of them would have been for him. So it was awesome.”

I’m scared of bottoming

Most gay men will consider bottoming at some time. However, the thought of doing it for the first time can be scary. Don’t let that put you off.

You may prefer to douche before bottoming, especially if indulging in deep arse play like fisting or with large dicks/toys. Use plain, clean water, preferably at body temperature. Avoid using shower attachments - the water pressure can be dangerous. You can get douche bulbs online or from any good sex shop. Try not to go overboard and irritate the lining of your arse, as this can make you more vulnerable to STIs.

Get yourself relaxed with lots of foreplay like rimming or fingering. Some men do use amyl nitrate (poppers) to relax the muscles around their arse but there are two major health warnings. Poppers:
- Have been linked with an increased risk of HIV transmission.
- Don’t mix with erection drugs like Viagra and may cause a heart attack.

Deep breathing is far safer, helps you to relax and relaxes the arse too.

Find a position that suits the size, angle and curvature of your partner’s dick. Any position where your knees are bent and drawn into your chest, whether you are kneeling, lying on your back or on your side, will probably lead to more comfortable sex, or will be a good position to start from.

There’s no such thing as too much lube. It just makes everything more slippery, which isn’t a bad thing. Use water- or silicone-based lubricants if you're using latex condoms. Avoid any lube with nonoxynol-9. It irritates the lining of the arse, may make sex more painful and also increases your risk of HIV.

Look after your arse. You can't get a new one. So know your limits. With time you may be able to take larger objects but there's always a maximum size: about 4-5 inches diameter (the width of your pelvic opening).

How can I be a great top?

Take your time and listen to your partner. This is as much about the emotional as the physical side. If he’s nervous, he might want reassuring that you’re not going to hurt him and that he’s in control.

Find out what he likes. For some guys, topping is about being dominant (and some bottoms like that), but for others, it’s a two-way street. Ask him how he likes it. Listen to his reactions too. If he’s making noises that suggest he's in pain, ease up a bit.

The first time you top, you may be a little anxious. This may make your erection less hard than usual. Relax – you're both there to enjoy yourselves. If you have erection problems, concentrate on something else like kissing for a while. (If getting or staying hard is a regular problem, see our section on ED on page 6.)

Our advice above on lubes and position apply as much to tops as to bottoms. Lube is essential when topping. If you have a bigger than average cock, any position where the cheeks of his arse can provide a buffer to your length (like him lying face down) will be a good bet until he’s used to it.

Remember: It’s not only bottoms at risk of HIV. Tops are at risk too, although it’s statistically less likely. Anal mucus can carry high concentrations of HIV, and the membrane just inside the tip of your cock and the foreskin can absorb that directly into the bloodstream if you fuck a guy's arse without a condom. You know the solution. Rubber up.

If there's one thing we all want more of, it's sex. No matter how good it is or how much you're having, all of us-men and women-would probably agree more would be better.

But we don't just want more, we want to try new things, act out our fantasies, be her best ever. And yet most of us continue to have the same old sex. Hey, at least we're getting some, right?

Guys, it's time to stop settling for mediocre sex lives. You deserve better.

Simply answer these 16 questions to figure out what's preventing you from having the sex you crave-and learn how to start having the best sex of your life.

How Often Do You Have Sex?

The average guy has sex about twice a week if he's married-a little less often (once) if he's single, a little more (three times) if he's single but shacking up.

If you're not hitting your number, work on your approach. In a University of New Orleans study, nearly 70 percent of men reported that when they initiate sex, they overestimate their partners' desire to get it on, most likely because they think women are like gas grills: Flick a switch and they get hot.

Talking to her-about work, family, the news-is the greatest aphrodisiac for a woman because it establishes a bond of sharing that she equates with romance. To you, it's conversation. To her, it's intimacy.

How Stressful Is Your Job?

You'd think stress would be as deflating to a sex life as a litter of puppies in the bedroom. But a stressful job (or even a dangerous one) involving some level of competition, as in law or sales, can actually improve it.

"Real competition can drive up testosterone, which boosts libido," says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of Why We Love. "Being amped up by a high-powered, high-stress job is more likely to make you more sexually active" than idling in a cushy, low-key career.

If work doesn't fire you up, seek a testosterone jolt in a recreational sports league. Men who get game increase testosterone levels by 15 percent, according to a Pennsylvania State University study. Even better, make her your steady doubles partner. The same study showed that women increased their libido-regulating testosterone by 49 percent during competition.

What Noises Does She Make?

A Kinsey Institute study found that nearly one-quarter of women reported some distress in their sexual relationships in the preceding month. One of the most common causes of dissatisfaction: boredom.

"The common denominator of satisfied couples is that they're very playful," says sex therapist Ava Cadell, Ph.D., author of The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Oral Sex. "My definition of sex is adult play. It should be fun and recreational. You should laugh and release all those pleasure endorphins. A sense of humor is an essential ingredient in great sex because it takes pressure off performance."

Toys = instant play. Shop together at a toy store (the kids' kind) for playthings you can bring into the bedroom. Imagine the possibilities with washable paint, masks, water pistols, and toy handcuffs.

On a Typical Night, We . . .

The average man's sex life stays the same or even improves once he ties the knot. To ensure this outcome, do what good pitchers do-throw changeups into your nightlife at least once a week.

"Novelty is good for sex, and I don't just mean novel sex. Novelty in your social life," Fisher says. It can be as simple as skipping dinner to play miniature golf or listening to a live band instead of the car radio. Anything that makes the start of your date less predictable can change up the ending, as well.

Can gay men and women become heterosexual?

A controversial new study says yes - if they really want to. Critics, though, say the study's subjects may be deluding themselves and that the subject group was scientifically invalid because many of them were referred by anti-gay religious groups.

Dr. Robert Spitzer, a psychiatry professor at Columbia University, said he began his study as a skeptic - believing, as major mental health organizations do, that sexual orientation cannot be changed, and attempts to do so can even cause harm.

(illustrating image)

But Spitzer's study, which has not yet been published or reviewed, seems to indicate otherwise. Spitzer says he spoke to 143 men and 57 women who say they changed their orientation from gay to straight, and concluded that 66 percent of the men and 44 percent of women reached what he called good heterosexual functioning - a sustained, loving heterosexual relationship within the past year and getting enough emotional satisfaction to rate at least a seven on a 10-point scale.
He said those who changed their orientation had satisfying heterosexual sex at least monthly and never or rarely thought of someone of the same sex during intercourse.

He also found that 89 percent of men and 95 percent of women were bothered not at all or only slightly by unwanted homosexual feelings. However, only 11 percent of men and 37 percent of women reported a complete absence of homosexual indicators.

"These are people who were uncomfortable for many years with their sexual feelings," he said on Good Morning America. But they managed to change those feelings, he added.

The study reopens the debate over "reparative therapy," or treatment to change sexual preference. Spitzer argues that highly motivated gays can in fact change that preference - with a lot of effort.

New Study, Old Debate

But critics have challenged the study, even before it was formally unveiled at today's session of the American Psychiatric Association's annual meeting in New Orleans, which was jammed with television cameras reporting on the presentation.

Another study presented today even contradicted the finding. Ariel Shidlo and Michael Shroeder, two psychologists in private practice in New York City, found that of 215 homosexual subjects who received therapy to change their sexual orientation, the majority failed to do so.

A small subset reported feeling helped.

That study has also not been published or reviewed.

Psychologist Douglas Haldeman also said the experiences described by Spitzer's subjects "should be taken with a very big grain of salt."

The people in Spitzer's sample, he said, may be fooling themselves.

"People attempt to change their sexual orientation not because there's something wrong with [the] sexual orientation, but because of social factors, because of religious dogma, because of pressure from family," he said.

"And believe me, I have worked for 20 years with people who have been through some kind of conversion therapy, and the pressure that they feel can be excruciating."

If we said that your diet can boost your sex appeal, what would you think? You’d probably imagine the positive cumulative effect of thoughtful choices on your waistline, abs, skin, hair and mood. All that, of course, is true. But certain foods can also play a role in your attractiveness in a much more immediate way - we’re talking about food’s effect on pheromones: the chemicals we excrete in our sweat, saliva and other body fluids that have a social or sexual effect.

Yes, by eating certain foods, men may invisibly broadcast that they’re worth getting to know, in the biblical sense. The hormones androstenone and androstenol, which give off scents that may attract others, exist in a handful of foods that can be found at any supermarket or restaurant. If you’re a man, try eating the following three, and see if anything interesting happens. If you’re a woman who finds a man inexplicably irresistible, check what he just ate.

1. Truffles

Pardon the visual, but there’s a reason that pigs hunt for truffles: They’re especially affected by androstenone and androstenol. In 1981, German researchers discovered that androstenol is produced by many varieties of the subterranean fungus considered a delicacy. (In fact, The New York Times reported that people who use sows to hunt for truffles “often find it hard to prevent a sex-crazed animal from eating the truffle she has found, and may lose fingers in the attempt.”)

Truffles themselves are devilish pricey - selling for about $100 per ounce - but truffle oil also contains the pheromones, and it’s part of the esteemed Mediterranean diet. Give it a whirl yourself, but be warned: 25% of people can’t detect androstenone, and 40% of people are too sensitive to androstenol and find it foul smelling. The remaining 35% may find you wildly attractive. Research from Rockefeller University, revealed that this is mostly due to to genetic variations in a single odorant receptor called OR7D4. So now you know.

2. Parsnips

The third food with high concentrations of androstenol are parsnips, the long, ugly, light brown veggies that taste like a carrot-potato hybrid. Far cheaper than truffles, parsnips have the added advantage of containing boron, which has been shown to help the body metabolize and use estrogen and enhance blood levels of testosterone. Plus, root vegetables like parsnips are rich in folate, as well as vitamins A and C, and studies have found they boost blood flow to the brain.

3. Celery

Nutritionally, there’s a lot to be said for celery. It’s high in fiber, and digesting it causes your body to work harder and expend more calories than most foods. It’s also a great source of vitamin K, folate, potassium and manganese. But beyond all that, every stalk is packed with androstenone and androstenol. “When you chew a stalk of celery, you release androstenone and androstenol odor molecules into your mouth. They then travel up the back of your throat to your nose," says Alan Hirsch, MD, author of Scentsational Sex. "Once there, the pheromones boost your arousal, turning you on and causing your body to send off scents and signals that make you more desirable to women." Men, you could do worse than ordering a Bloody Mary at brunch, and you won’t have to wait long before the celery takes effect. The pheromones are released immediately, says Hirsch.

Want to find the real love experts? Go to your nearest leather bar.

When a guy slides his hand in your ass, holding your body, guiding you through your fears and emotions, coaxing your hole to relax and open, something beautiful happens. You lock eyes, you sync, you take him in, and he’s fisting you. Fisting requires the basic tool kit of love: chemistry, communication, intimacy, trust. You need these to make any relationship work. In a good fist session, power dynamics disappear. You become equals, complicit in this rule-defying, animal act of pleasure. You take a leap with someone and trust them, at least a little bit, to be good to you. Fisting is one of many “alternative” sex practices (kinks) celebrated in the world of leather, rubber, and BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism). I started this dark, leathery journey a few years ago, seeking sex with sexy people. Along the way I found humbling and beautiful lessons in love, devotion, forgiveness, support, and care. Want to find the real love experts? Go to your nearest leather bar. Here are 15 lessons in love I learned from kink.

1. There’s no such thing as the “right” relationship. 

A common lie we’ve all been told at some point is that you have to find the “right” one - and that everyone you date until them are the “wrong” ones. Love is a not a hunt for someone to complete your life or make you whole. You’re already complete. Others come along and share time for a little while. That’s love. You share your story with them until it’s time to part ways. You’ll share it with more people in the future. Often we share it with many people simultaneously (polyamorous relationships, multiple lovers, great friends). Some of these people may teach you how to fuck well. Others may show you how to be a supportive partner. One may help you through your HIV diagnosis. Another may help you through a painful death. No one needs prominence. No one is “the one.” They’re all important. Kink is a community where complex, multiple-person relationships (pack relationships, leather families) may be seen as literal representations of this.

You might have a daddy in Dallas who comforts you, offers support, and gives you sweet, cuddly, furry sex. In addition to daddy, you have a sir in Seattle who trains you as a heavy BDSM submissive. You also have a cute life partner who wears glasses in your home city who loves wearing leather with you and cooking dinner with you and having threesomes with you and whatever guy you two decide to take home. You and your partner might share a submissive rubber pup who loves climbing in your sling to get his hole used. No one of these people is the “most important.” They each love different parts of you, and it works because you’re a complex creature with different tastes, different natures. No one relationship is the “right” one.

2. Slow down. 

BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism and masochism) can be scary when you don’t know what you’re doing. So can love. To newcomers, kinksters (kinky people) stress going slow, taking baby steps, building trust, and listening to people with more experience. How richer would our romances be if we all did the same?

3. People don’t belong to people. 

I like getting flogged, hate-fucked, spat on, degraded, tied up, group-used, and simulated rape, but when someone calls me “theirs,” I freak out. Kink is filled with labels that imply ownership. Daddies have boys, slaves have masters, subs have sirs, pups have handlers, and the list goes on. When I was getting started in BDSM, the labels bothered me. I hate possession. The minute someone talks about rules and exclusivity, I bolt. Then I realized why these roles exist. Some sex practices require skills that are best taught one-onone within the confines of a fetish relationship - where trust is developed, feedback given, and performance appraised. These roles serve real purposes: They arouse people, teach them how to enjoy the sex they want safely, and help us as a community preserve our kinks while sharing them with beginners. I’ve seen countless kinky relationships blossom over the last few years. Most have been very beautiful to witness. They’ve taught me something important: No matter what you call yourself, whether you’re a “slave” serving a “master” or a dominatrix training a rubber gimp, you’re always free to leave.

When the pleasure stops or the learning ends, there’s no need to stay. Yes, romantic connections do develop from dominant-submissive relationships (and many healthy romances include domsub play), but labels like “sir” and “boy” exist for pleasure and growth. You keep them as long as they feel good. Nonkinky marriages everywhere could benefit from this simple rule: If you aren’t happy, you don’t have to keep being “husband” or “wife.” Many nonkinky folks suffer for years in unhealthy relationships (with far fewer rules and restrictions than some BDSM pairings) never realizing this: If it’s no longer enjoyable, stop. It doesn’t matter what you call yourself or what’s stamped on a piece of paper if the joy is gone. People don’t belong to people.

4. There’s more to learn. 

You’re not an expert - in kink or love. There are bondage pros, master bootblacks, and aficionados of leather. But few kinksters claim to know everything because there’s always someone, somewhere, with another lesson to bring you, another experience that opens your eyes. Similarly, you may know everything about your partner, but at the end they are still a mystery to you, one you get to discover a little more every day.

5. People don’t stay in roles we assign them. 

My first sir called me “boy.” Then I discovered pup play and became a “pup.” As my interests have evolved and my skills advanced, “pup” is sloughing off. Who knows what I’ll be next? Learning new kinks and advancing your skills is an exciting process that often leads kinksters through different roles. This is also true in dating. All your experiences, good and bad, change how you define yourself and make you a different person from one relationship to the next or one one phase of life to another. That’s natural and healthy. But sometimes that can cause problems in a long-term relationship, since we tend to assign roles and see people we love a certain way, and we get scared when we wake up and realize they’re different. I once talked to a gay couple with 20-plus years behind them and asked what their secret was. One partner said, “I had to accept the fact that he was going to change. He wasn’t going to be the same man in five years as the man I met. I decided early on that I wanted him to be everything he needed to be, no matter what, even if that led him away from me.” It was one of the most beautiful definitions of a healthy relationship I’ve ever heard. People change. Love your partner enough to let them grow.