Let me start off by saying I’m a huge believer in love, but sadly there are countless of gay men who are losing their optimism. With so many unhealthy voices, it’s becoming the “cool” thing to diss love. This is where I put my foot down.
Most of the excuses we use one way or another has to do with personal experiences. But there comes a time where we need to separate our experiences from reality. Not everything is as it seems in our heads. The reasons why we’re falling out of love with love has seldom to do with truth and all to do with self-convincing.
Here are just a few:
2. Cynicism is Becoming Part of the Gay Culture
It seems like each year, gay men are becoming less supportive of not only their own efforts, but the world’s as a whole. Nothing is ever good enough. No matter how many dates we go on, something always has to be wrong with either the guy, the restaurant, the food, the place, etc. Deep down, we’re always looking for an excuse to prove ourselves by showing how “better” we are or how much we know the answers to life’s biggest problems. It’s become easy for us to judge rather than to accept which makes us depend on unrealistic standards. The sad result is to view affection as inconsistent and a waste of time. A standard cynical mindset.
There are so many ways of putting ourselves out there. Grindr, OkCupid and other dating sites have made it easier to find love. That’s great! But for many guys who pull themselves short, they know how easy it is to shift your attention from one man to another with ease. I’ve known plenty of guys who hook up with numerous men on Grindr and by the time they find a boyfriend, they’ve lost their ability to trust him since they know how easy it is to cheat or find a random encounter. Let’s face it. For gay guys, it’s easy as hell to find a one night stand. The amount of guys looking for sex is astronomical so the only way of building trust in a relationship is to find it within ourselves first. If you can’t trust your own urgings, it will be much harder to depend on someone else.
4. Same-sex Family Planning is Complicated
It’s easy to hear our straight friends say “Oh I can’t wait to have a family” or “We’re trying to get pregnant” or “I can’t miss my birth control. I don’t want to have any surprises!” For gay guys who dream of having children, a husband, and the picket fence, it’s hard to understand that for us, it’s a million times more difficult. So much so that I’ve seen plenty of gay men give up on their dreams. It’s a sad truth that starting a family is much harder for us than our straight counterparts, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
5. Lack of Effort in Finding Gay Role-models
As someone who’s parents were divorced, I know how hard it is to find a good example of a healthy relationship to draw from. Often times our parents become the baseline to judge our own boyfriends. Finding healthy gayrelationships can be just as difficult, especially when much of the world has certain misconceptions about how same sex relationships ought to be. There are fine examples in the world if you just find them, and I can guarantee they all share similar qualities. Love, trust, and devotion. Stop relying on bad examples as the end all-be all to how every relationship eventually turns out. Every couple has their ups and downs, but the good ones never take their downs personally, but rather a challenge to overcome. Start looking at how the good ones treat each other and use them as inspiration.
Most of the excuses we use one way or another has to do with personal experiences. But there comes a time where we need to separate our experiences from reality. Not everything is as it seems in our heads. The reasons why we’re falling out of love with love has seldom to do with truth and all to do with self-convincing.
Here are just a few:
1. Gay Men Want to Be Single or Have a Husband
I can’t tell you how many of my gay friends are searching for husbands now that marriage equality is progressing further into other states. Too many of us are trying to skip over the “boyfriend” phase and go directly into the “husband” stage. So much so that within the first week of starting a relationship, we start treating each other like we’ve been married for twenty years instead of relishing the beginning stages. This is the time where you ought to have fun rather than settle down, but most of us want the family more than the man. We rush too quickly and often times are disappointed when our boyfriend isn’t on the same page so we’ve give up hope.
I can’t tell you how many of my gay friends are searching for husbands now that marriage equality is progressing further into other states. Too many of us are trying to skip over the “boyfriend” phase and go directly into the “husband” stage. So much so that within the first week of starting a relationship, we start treating each other like we’ve been married for twenty years instead of relishing the beginning stages. This is the time where you ought to have fun rather than settle down, but most of us want the family more than the man. We rush too quickly and often times are disappointed when our boyfriend isn’t on the same page so we’ve give up hope.
2. Cynicism is Becoming Part of the Gay Culture
It seems like each year, gay men are becoming less supportive of not only their own efforts, but the world’s as a whole. Nothing is ever good enough. No matter how many dates we go on, something always has to be wrong with either the guy, the restaurant, the food, the place, etc. Deep down, we’re always looking for an excuse to prove ourselves by showing how “better” we are or how much we know the answers to life’s biggest problems. It’s become easy for us to judge rather than to accept which makes us depend on unrealistic standards. The sad result is to view affection as inconsistent and a waste of time. A standard cynical mindset.
3. Gay Men Have Serious Trust Issues
There are so many ways of putting ourselves out there. Grindr, OkCupid and other dating sites have made it easier to find love. That’s great! But for many guys who pull themselves short, they know how easy it is to shift your attention from one man to another with ease. I’ve known plenty of guys who hook up with numerous men on Grindr and by the time they find a boyfriend, they’ve lost their ability to trust him since they know how easy it is to cheat or find a random encounter. Let’s face it. For gay guys, it’s easy as hell to find a one night stand. The amount of guys looking for sex is astronomical so the only way of building trust in a relationship is to find it within ourselves first. If you can’t trust your own urgings, it will be much harder to depend on someone else.
4. Same-sex Family Planning is Complicated
It’s easy to hear our straight friends say “Oh I can’t wait to have a family” or “We’re trying to get pregnant” or “I can’t miss my birth control. I don’t want to have any surprises!” For gay guys who dream of having children, a husband, and the picket fence, it’s hard to understand that for us, it’s a million times more difficult. So much so that I’ve seen plenty of gay men give up on their dreams. It’s a sad truth that starting a family is much harder for us than our straight counterparts, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
5. Lack of Effort in Finding Gay Role-models
As someone who’s parents were divorced, I know how hard it is to find a good example of a healthy relationship to draw from. Often times our parents become the baseline to judge our own boyfriends. Finding healthy gayrelationships can be just as difficult, especially when much of the world has certain misconceptions about how same sex relationships ought to be. There are fine examples in the world if you just find them, and I can guarantee they all share similar qualities. Love, trust, and devotion. Stop relying on bad examples as the end all-be all to how every relationship eventually turns out. Every couple has their ups and downs, but the good ones never take their downs personally, but rather a challenge to overcome. Start looking at how the good ones treat each other and use them as inspiration.
6. Unable to Change Our Ways
Some guys are becoming so stubborn that they refuse to self-investigate their most toxic traits. There comes a time in our lives where we need to look at the aftermath of our choices. The people who come and go from our lives come and go for a reason. If we’re constantly falling in the same pattern as before, it’s clear we need to change something. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s called self-growth and we all have to do it. I’m not the same person I was when I was 20, thank God. Hell, I’m not even the same person I was just a couple years ago. Life is full of lessons and if we don’t learn them and put them into practice, what’s the point? We’ll only end up staying stationary. These things either welcome or deflect potential partners in our lives.
7. Gay Men Think Relationships Make You Lose Your Identity
I’m the first to tell you that much of the fear I have in relationships rely on giving up my space. I love having alone time. I love not having to worry about texting, calling or letting a man know where I am, especially if I want to hit up the bars or clubs. It’s my individuality I cling on to and it’s also the reason why I distance myself from intimacy. And I know I’m not the only one. The thing is a truly healthy relationship has both. You’re two spirits that fly on different levels yet exist together, accepting each other’s differences and trusting each other’s patience. It’s a choice to stay with a person, not a responsibility. When we’re in a relationship, we’re basically saying “I accept you for everything you are.” In no way, shape, or form should you sacrifice your individuality. If you are, it’s clear he’s not the right person for you anyway.
8. Sacrifice Love for Acceptance
There are a lot of men out there who unconsciously strive to be accepted by society. They don’t want to appear like a stereotypical gay man which eventually bleeds into their love life. Being in a relationship with a man reminds them that they are a minority. To them, it opens a plethora of excuses to be discriminated against so they casually step away from open opportunities. They sacrifice the beauty of being loved for being accepted by the world. But the thing is no matter who you are – gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, queer – there are many things society discriminates against. Judging your self-esteem based on their approval will never make you happy because no one will ever be 100% satisfied with your choices. But if you’re satisfied with yourself, you’re way ahead of all the rest.
9. It’s Easier for Gay Men to Talk About Then To Do
It’s easy to see a nice couple holding hands and say under your breath, “Ughh… I want a boyfriend.” That’s great, but what are you doing about it? It’s like wanting to bake a cake without going through the effort to make the batter. The trouble is no matter how much you want a boyfriend, it all comes down to how open you are once an opportunity presents itself. The hottest guys can show interest, but how much do you put into their efforts? Being all talk and no show is only going to convince you that love as a whole is fiction. But in reality it has to do with your lack of courage to find it.
Some guys are becoming so stubborn that they refuse to self-investigate their most toxic traits. There comes a time in our lives where we need to look at the aftermath of our choices. The people who come and go from our lives come and go for a reason. If we’re constantly falling in the same pattern as before, it’s clear we need to change something. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s called self-growth and we all have to do it. I’m not the same person I was when I was 20, thank God. Hell, I’m not even the same person I was just a couple years ago. Life is full of lessons and if we don’t learn them and put them into practice, what’s the point? We’ll only end up staying stationary. These things either welcome or deflect potential partners in our lives.
7. Gay Men Think Relationships Make You Lose Your Identity
I’m the first to tell you that much of the fear I have in relationships rely on giving up my space. I love having alone time. I love not having to worry about texting, calling or letting a man know where I am, especially if I want to hit up the bars or clubs. It’s my individuality I cling on to and it’s also the reason why I distance myself from intimacy. And I know I’m not the only one. The thing is a truly healthy relationship has both. You’re two spirits that fly on different levels yet exist together, accepting each other’s differences and trusting each other’s patience. It’s a choice to stay with a person, not a responsibility. When we’re in a relationship, we’re basically saying “I accept you for everything you are.” In no way, shape, or form should you sacrifice your individuality. If you are, it’s clear he’s not the right person for you anyway.
8. Sacrifice Love for Acceptance
There are a lot of men out there who unconsciously strive to be accepted by society. They don’t want to appear like a stereotypical gay man which eventually bleeds into their love life. Being in a relationship with a man reminds them that they are a minority. To them, it opens a plethora of excuses to be discriminated against so they casually step away from open opportunities. They sacrifice the beauty of being loved for being accepted by the world. But the thing is no matter who you are – gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, queer – there are many things society discriminates against. Judging your self-esteem based on their approval will never make you happy because no one will ever be 100% satisfied with your choices. But if you’re satisfied with yourself, you’re way ahead of all the rest.
9. It’s Easier for Gay Men to Talk About Then To Do
It’s easy to see a nice couple holding hands and say under your breath, “Ughh… I want a boyfriend.” That’s great, but what are you doing about it? It’s like wanting to bake a cake without going through the effort to make the batter. The trouble is no matter how much you want a boyfriend, it all comes down to how open you are once an opportunity presents itself. The hottest guys can show interest, but how much do you put into their efforts? Being all talk and no show is only going to convince you that love as a whole is fiction. But in reality it has to do with your lack of courage to find it.
10. Each Breakup Makes Us More Jaded
It’s easy to take breakups extremely personally. So much so that we lose all hope in love and eventually kick ourselves in the head for thinking otherwise. Instead of making every breakup an excuse to to not believe in love, we need to see it as an opportunity to learn about ourselves. It’s hard to hear, I know, but it has to be done. With every relationship comes new lessons. Your next boyfriend is always going to be better than your last until you finally meet the perfect man. That’s the whole point of dating, to filter out the bad eggs. But if you give up after one heartache then you might as well give up cheesecake because you had one bad slice at the corner deli.
Got a news tip? Want to share your story? Email us.
It’s easy to take breakups extremely personally. So much so that we lose all hope in love and eventually kick ourselves in the head for thinking otherwise. Instead of making every breakup an excuse to to not believe in love, we need to see it as an opportunity to learn about ourselves. It’s hard to hear, I know, but it has to be done. With every relationship comes new lessons. Your next boyfriend is always going to be better than your last until you finally meet the perfect man. That’s the whole point of dating, to filter out the bad eggs. But if you give up after one heartache then you might as well give up cheesecake because you had one bad slice at the corner deli.
Got a news tip? Want to share your story? Email us.
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