Gay men need to have a good group of gay friends. Girls are great, we’re obsessed, but we need nights just with the dudes. I spent the first few years of my gay life without any gay friends and it was a sad terrible thing. Now that I’ve accumulated a good group of gays in New York, I feel like I’ve reached complete social fulfillment. And who knows? If your gay friends are cute, maybe you can make out with them sometimes! (J/K, not J/K, stop, don’t stop!) But on the real, I’ve hooked up with some of my gay friends and I’ve been stunned by how little of a thing it is. I thought that I, Mr. I Majored In Having Lots of Feelings, would freak out but nope! It’s actually super fun. Granted, there are some friends you should Never smooch so please kiss with caution.
So in this age of mainstreaming, where gay men come out of the closet not to attend dinner parties of catty queens like themselves and the cast of Boys in the Band but to a room of welcoming members of society both straight and gay, how can we form a culture of our own? If there are a million ways to be gay, can we settle on a few key experiences every gay man should experience to draw them together?
Here are my suggestions:
1. Do Be Funny
Gay men need to be funny. And no, calling someone’s pashmina scarf ugly is not funny. It’s just bitchy. You see, funny people have usually dealt with some dark stuff in their lives and laughing about it is the only way to ensure that they won’t go insane. Even though I’ve lived a relatively easy life in terms of my homosexuality, it still can get pretty hard. Hence laughter! Plus, gay men love anything campy, which is the best kind of humor in my opinion. Having an appreciation for Best in Show,Popular, and Showgirls indicates that you’re more evolved than the average human. It should also be noted that the gays and the Jews run everything that’s creative.
3. Dress in drag
Even if it's just once for Halloween, go out in the world wearing the clothing of the opposite gender. It will it unleash a personality you didn't even know you had in you and it will make you OK with femininity. So many gay men are afraid of even the slightest bit of swish being detected. "No fems," has been branded into all of our mentality. But one night when the femme is in total control will never make you fear it again. And it will put you in touch with the brave bottle throwers who started the Stonewall Riots back in the day.
4. Contrary to popular belief, opinions are not like assholes, because in today’s gay world, assholes are glorious and sexy and displayed prominently in photos sent to you from potential suitors. Opinions on a date are more like your lesbian best friend: We know she’s important to you and we’re glad you have her, but we have no idea why you’d want to introduce us to her on a first meeting and turn the evening into a serious downer.
5. Protest
Get out there with a picket sign and some anger and fight for your rights. Even before Stonewall we have a long history of fighting the man, and that should never die. You can collect signatures for marriage equality or you can join an Occupy protest and fight income inequality, but never stop fighting. And if PDA (public displays of agitation) aren't your thing, there are plenty of causes that need fundraising, which can easily be done over brunch (a gay art that somehow is not on this list).
6. Develop a gaydar
This sense of being able to find other homosexuals in the given area isn't inborn like a sense of direction or ESP. No, it must be acquired through years of hard work and figuring out just which clues are going to give guys away. (Even then it's still not infallible whenever European tourists are around.) But it's essential. Not only will it help you determine when you're in a safe space with others of your kind, it will also direct you to which clerk to flirt with for a discount and which flight attendant to wink at for a free tiny bottle of vodka.
7. Appreciate camp
It's everything from Showgirls and Mommie Dearest to John Waters and your aunt Nancy who loves to show up at family events with lipstick on her teeth and do her Charo impersonation. Yes, before "hipsters" ironically co-opted things that were awful, gay men invented camp and it has pervaded our aesthetic. In some respects it's about loving an outsider and wanting to embrace it even while disparaging the things that make it amazing. Much like the supreme court's definition of pornography, it's hard to define camp but we all know it when we see it. And if you don't know it, then you're just another sincere mark for all the camp connoisseurs out there.
So in this age of mainstreaming, where gay men come out of the closet not to attend dinner parties of catty queens like themselves and the cast of Boys in the Band but to a room of welcoming members of society both straight and gay, how can we form a culture of our own? If there are a million ways to be gay, can we settle on a few key experiences every gay man should experience to draw them together?
Here are my suggestions:
1. Do Be Funny
2. Cruise
Everyone used to know to glance over your shoulder after three steps if you were interested in that sexy stranger on the sidewalk. There was a complex network of looks and signals that men used to use to attract each other, something that made gay men much more attuned to body language and perceptive than our straight counterparts. Learn how to do that. Not only will it improve your gay experience, but the way you interact with everyone. Street cruising is mostly dead – no, it can't be done on Grindr – but a trip to a bath house will teach you all you ever need to know.
Everyone used to know to glance over your shoulder after three steps if you were interested in that sexy stranger on the sidewalk. There was a complex network of looks and signals that men used to use to attract each other, something that made gay men much more attuned to body language and perceptive than our straight counterparts. Learn how to do that. Not only will it improve your gay experience, but the way you interact with everyone. Street cruising is mostly dead – no, it can't be done on Grindr – but a trip to a bath house will teach you all you ever need to know.
3. Dress in drag
Even if it's just once for Halloween, go out in the world wearing the clothing of the opposite gender. It will it unleash a personality you didn't even know you had in you and it will make you OK with femininity. So many gay men are afraid of even the slightest bit of swish being detected. "No fems," has been branded into all of our mentality. But one night when the femme is in total control will never make you fear it again. And it will put you in touch with the brave bottle throwers who started the Stonewall Riots back in the day.
4. Contrary to popular belief, opinions are not like assholes, because in today’s gay world, assholes are glorious and sexy and displayed prominently in photos sent to you from potential suitors. Opinions on a date are more like your lesbian best friend: We know she’s important to you and we’re glad you have her, but we have no idea why you’d want to introduce us to her on a first meeting and turn the evening into a serious downer.
5. Protest
Get out there with a picket sign and some anger and fight for your rights. Even before Stonewall we have a long history of fighting the man, and that should never die. You can collect signatures for marriage equality or you can join an Occupy protest and fight income inequality, but never stop fighting. And if PDA (public displays of agitation) aren't your thing, there are plenty of causes that need fundraising, which can easily be done over brunch (a gay art that somehow is not on this list).
6. Develop a gaydar
This sense of being able to find other homosexuals in the given area isn't inborn like a sense of direction or ESP. No, it must be acquired through years of hard work and figuring out just which clues are going to give guys away. (Even then it's still not infallible whenever European tourists are around.) But it's essential. Not only will it help you determine when you're in a safe space with others of your kind, it will also direct you to which clerk to flirt with for a discount and which flight attendant to wink at for a free tiny bottle of vodka.
7. Appreciate camp
It's everything from Showgirls and Mommie Dearest to John Waters and your aunt Nancy who loves to show up at family events with lipstick on her teeth and do her Charo impersonation. Yes, before "hipsters" ironically co-opted things that were awful, gay men invented camp and it has pervaded our aesthetic. In some respects it's about loving an outsider and wanting to embrace it even while disparaging the things that make it amazing. Much like the supreme court's definition of pornography, it's hard to define camp but we all know it when we see it. And if you don't know it, then you're just another sincere mark for all the camp connoisseurs out there.
8. Go to Pride
Standing out in the hot June sun can sure be a drag (all puns intended) but everyone should experience the depth and breadth of the community at this event at least once. See the people outside of your social circle, the tourists from a far, and those people who wouldn't mix with in a million gay years. And where else are you going to see Dykes on Bikes anyway?
9. Come out
In our age of Gay Straight Alliances in schools and celebrities who live in a perpetual glass closet without ever making a final announcement, coming out seems it's going out of style. "Why should gay people have to come when straight people don't?" While in some distant gaytopia that might come to pass but until then it's probably the only unifying experience every gay person has.
We all have a coming out story, whether it was when your mom says she knew already, your father stopped talking to you, or your boss just didn't care and told you to go back to your desk. No matter what else you may or may not have in common with another gay person, you can always fall back on this. It's like talking about the weather, but far more interesting, and often with more tears.
Standing out in the hot June sun can sure be a drag (all puns intended) but everyone should experience the depth and breadth of the community at this event at least once. See the people outside of your social circle, the tourists from a far, and those people who wouldn't mix with in a million gay years. And where else are you going to see Dykes on Bikes anyway?
9. Come out
In our age of Gay Straight Alliances in schools and celebrities who live in a perpetual glass closet without ever making a final announcement, coming out seems it's going out of style. "Why should gay people have to come when straight people don't?" While in some distant gaytopia that might come to pass but until then it's probably the only unifying experience every gay person has.
We all have a coming out story, whether it was when your mom says she knew already, your father stopped talking to you, or your boss just didn't care and told you to go back to your desk. No matter what else you may or may not have in common with another gay person, you can always fall back on this. It's like talking about the weather, but far more interesting, and often with more tears.
10. Never forget, a gay friend is NOT a boyfriend.
You cannot change him, convert him, or make out with him. Getting your heart involved is dangerous- you will get hurt and it's not fair when you know he's gay from the beginning.
You cannot change him, convert him, or make out with him. Getting your heart involved is dangerous- you will get hurt and it's not fair when you know he's gay from the beginning.
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