Romantic comedies and Disney flicks end when the star-crossed couple finally gets together and lives “happily ever after.” But do they really? Anyone who’s been in a relationship knows that trite phrase generally lasts about six months before the doubt starts to creep in. Whether you’ve made it to six months or six years, it’s not unusual to have difficulty bringing up delicate problems with your partner—not the big dealbreakers but the uncertainties that plague every couple. To help you avoid sitting on that angst, I address the 10 most common questions that come up for gay men in relationships, including the ones you feel uncomfortable asking.
1. Now that we’re married, will things change?
Answer: Perhaps not right away, but yes.
Though most things don’t change, gay couples who get married tend to take on more traditional gender roles. That means one may end up cooking, cleaning and caring for the kids while the other may be the breadwinner. Couples who don’t legally marry tend to share those tasks more evenly.
Others’ view of you also changes. Outsiders-especially those of the heterosexual persuasion-start to put more heteronormative expectations on your relationship, especially monogamy and having kids.
2. We never fight. Is that a good thing?
1. Now that we’re married, will things change?
Answer: Perhaps not right away, but yes.
Though most things don’t change, gay couples who get married tend to take on more traditional gender roles. That means one may end up cooking, cleaning and caring for the kids while the other may be the breadwinner. Couples who don’t legally marry tend to share those tasks more evenly.
Others’ view of you also changes. Outsiders-especially those of the heterosexual persuasion-start to put more heteronormative expectations on your relationship, especially monogamy and having kids.
2. We never fight. Is that a good thing?
Answer: Not necessarily.
The key is whether the conflict is constructive or destructive. Constructive conflict focuses on the problem at hand, seeks an agreed upon solution and each person accepts responsibility for his part; it works to strengthen the relationship. Destructive conflict picks on the other person, brings in resentments from the past and each person seeks to “win” the argument; it works to weaken the relationship.
But if you never have any conflict, your relationship may be in trouble! “Conflict-free” couples are usually avoiding issues that need to be resolved, and they usually end up drifting apart.
3. How can I stop him from doing annoying things?
Answer: You can’t. (But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.)
All partners do annoying things, from texting during dinner to leaving the cap off the lube. As long as it doesn’t threaten his or your health, or the relationship itself—like binge-drinking or PNP antics, which require a more serious approach—then you do the following:
First, tell your partner you’re annoyed by what he’s doing and ask him to change. If he does, even partially, give him support and praise for every positive step. Focus only on what he does well, not what he fails to do. If the annoying habit persists, continue your gentle persuasion but add in acceptance for yourself.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you like something; it means you’re letting go of your demand that he change it. You’ll feel less burdened as a result, and you’ll be able to focus on other things. If you do achieve acceptance, you won’t be leaving an otherwise good relationship because of a silly annoyance.
4. Will this last forever?
Answer: Nobody knows, not even your high-priced psychic.
It’s best to assume your relationship will last forever (which generally means until one of you dies) and live in the present accordingly. Letting go of the fear that your relationship will end frees you up to make things better right now. A better question to ask is, Does my partner make me smile? If the answer is yes, then you’re on the right track. If no, you have some work to do.
5. Is it time to open things up sexually?
Answer: It’s time to talk with your partner.
It’s your relationship, so you and your partner can create whatever kind of rules you both wish. Newer relationships are more likely to be monogamous, especially at the very beginning, but as time passes, couples often have a discussion about the possibility of opening things, though only half end up doing so.
Age plays a role as well. Younger gay men often expect monogamy, but that expectation can lead to an abrupt ending of the relationship when temptation appears. Older men tend to be more flexible about sexuality in relationships. That, along with improved empathy and general life stability, enables them to have longer and more satisfying relationships.
The key is whether the conflict is constructive or destructive. Constructive conflict focuses on the problem at hand, seeks an agreed upon solution and each person accepts responsibility for his part; it works to strengthen the relationship. Destructive conflict picks on the other person, brings in resentments from the past and each person seeks to “win” the argument; it works to weaken the relationship.
But if you never have any conflict, your relationship may be in trouble! “Conflict-free” couples are usually avoiding issues that need to be resolved, and they usually end up drifting apart.
3. How can I stop him from doing annoying things?
Answer: You can’t. (But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.)
All partners do annoying things, from texting during dinner to leaving the cap off the lube. As long as it doesn’t threaten his or your health, or the relationship itself—like binge-drinking or PNP antics, which require a more serious approach—then you do the following:
First, tell your partner you’re annoyed by what he’s doing and ask him to change. If he does, even partially, give him support and praise for every positive step. Focus only on what he does well, not what he fails to do. If the annoying habit persists, continue your gentle persuasion but add in acceptance for yourself.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you like something; it means you’re letting go of your demand that he change it. You’ll feel less burdened as a result, and you’ll be able to focus on other things. If you do achieve acceptance, you won’t be leaving an otherwise good relationship because of a silly annoyance.
4. Will this last forever?
Answer: Nobody knows, not even your high-priced psychic.
It’s best to assume your relationship will last forever (which generally means until one of you dies) and live in the present accordingly. Letting go of the fear that your relationship will end frees you up to make things better right now. A better question to ask is, Does my partner make me smile? If the answer is yes, then you’re on the right track. If no, you have some work to do.
5. Is it time to open things up sexually?
Answer: It’s time to talk with your partner.
It’s your relationship, so you and your partner can create whatever kind of rules you both wish. Newer relationships are more likely to be monogamous, especially at the very beginning, but as time passes, couples often have a discussion about the possibility of opening things, though only half end up doing so.
Age plays a role as well. Younger gay men often expect monogamy, but that expectation can lead to an abrupt ending of the relationship when temptation appears. Older men tend to be more flexible about sexuality in relationships. That, along with improved empathy and general life stability, enables them to have longer and more satisfying relationships.
6. How do I keep my partner satisfied?
Answer: Give him what he wants.
There’s one nugget that will solidify your relationship for the long haul: support your partner in his dreams. Does he dream of running for office, creating art, moving to Seattle, maybe meeting Britney Spears? No matter what it is—even if it’s far-fetched or unlikable to you—find a way to support it. And if you don’t know what his dreams are, find out immediately!
7. What if I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore?
Answer: That doesn’t mean it’s over.
Decreases in sexual attraction and activity are normal. There’s an old adage: If you put a penny in a jar each time you had sex during the first year of your relationship, then took a penny out every time you had sex after that first year, when you die you’d still have pennies left in the jar.
For some couples, less (or none at all) is fine. If that’s not for you, there are many things you can do to reignite the flame of the relationship. It may be as easy as getting back on the, uh, horse, or it may require something more complicated, like working out pent-up resentments. Start by talking with your partner. If that doesn’t get very far, see a therapist.
Answer: Give him what he wants.
There’s one nugget that will solidify your relationship for the long haul: support your partner in his dreams. Does he dream of running for office, creating art, moving to Seattle, maybe meeting Britney Spears? No matter what it is—even if it’s far-fetched or unlikable to you—find a way to support it. And if you don’t know what his dreams are, find out immediately!
7. What if I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore?
Answer: That doesn’t mean it’s over.
Decreases in sexual attraction and activity are normal. There’s an old adage: If you put a penny in a jar each time you had sex during the first year of your relationship, then took a penny out every time you had sex after that first year, when you die you’d still have pennies left in the jar.
For some couples, less (or none at all) is fine. If that’s not for you, there are many things you can do to reignite the flame of the relationship. It may be as easy as getting back on the, uh, horse, or it may require something more complicated, like working out pent-up resentments. Start by talking with your partner. If that doesn’t get very far, see a therapist.
8. Is it better to be single?
Answer: The grass is always greener on the other side.
Single people have it great. They can live their lives without having to answer to someone else. But ask most single people and they will tell you that you have it better (and perhaps you do). People in relationships are generally happier, healthier and live longer than singles. That isn’t to say that relationships aren’t filled with work and heartache, but overall you’re standing on the most ideal ground, so appreciate what you have.
9. What could make it end?
Answer: When the bad outweighs the good.
Relationships don’t usually end because of an affair, broken agreement or other betrayal. They usually die a slow and painful death, where eventually one person just can’t take it anymore. It’s as if there’s an emotional bank account, and eventually all the money is withdrawn and the relationship goes bankrupt. To prevent an untimely end, put money in your partner’s emotional account every day. Do small things—pay him compliments, make him coffee or send him a text wishing him a good day. But the biggest contribution you can make to his emotional bank account is empathy. That one will pay back dividends.
Answer: The grass is always greener on the other side.
Single people have it great. They can live their lives without having to answer to someone else. But ask most single people and they will tell you that you have it better (and perhaps you do). People in relationships are generally happier, healthier and live longer than singles. That isn’t to say that relationships aren’t filled with work and heartache, but overall you’re standing on the most ideal ground, so appreciate what you have.
9. What could make it end?
Answer: When the bad outweighs the good.
Relationships don’t usually end because of an affair, broken agreement or other betrayal. They usually die a slow and painful death, where eventually one person just can’t take it anymore. It’s as if there’s an emotional bank account, and eventually all the money is withdrawn and the relationship goes bankrupt. To prevent an untimely end, put money in your partner’s emotional account every day. Do small things—pay him compliments, make him coffee or send him a text wishing him a good day. But the biggest contribution you can make to his emotional bank account is empathy. That one will pay back dividends.
10. Should we have kids?
Answer: Proceed with caution.
A child is one of life’s great gifts, but you’ll need to fasten your seatbelts, because having a first child can cause more unhappiness than divorce, unemployment or even death of a partner. The reason, according to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, is social isolation.
To remedy this, join a club like Pop Luck (popluckclub.org) even before you have your first. Connecting with others who have kids and getting support can help you get on the track of having an even happier life—between diaper changes, of course.
Answer: Proceed with caution.
A child is one of life’s great gifts, but you’ll need to fasten your seatbelts, because having a first child can cause more unhappiness than divorce, unemployment or even death of a partner. The reason, according to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, is social isolation.
To remedy this, join a club like Pop Luck (popluckclub.org) even before you have your first. Connecting with others who have kids and getting support can help you get on the track of having an even happier life—between diaper changes, of course.
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