In any long-term relationship, things can happen that result in a breakdown in trust. In some relationships this happens more than others. However, it’s likely that almost every relationship will run into the challenge of a loss of trust at some point.
When confronted with the breakdown of trust, there are some steps you can take to restore trust with your partner.
Listen to the other’s perspective
Once the most highly charged emotion has gotten less intense, you’ll be in a better position to listen to your partner.
Regardless of whose behavior caused the breakdown of trust, take some time to listen to their perspective.
The challenge here is to find ways to listen to and empathize with (truly understand) the other perspective without making them wrong for their feelings (and without giving up your own).
The opportunity is for them to feel heard and loved.
Say what’s true for you, in a way that’s not mean-spirited
Your perspective and feelings are valid and worth being heard.
The challenge here is to not sacrifices yourself and to communicate in a way that’s
both clear and yet kind. It’s easy to be mean when you feel someone has been mean to you. That just makes things worse.
Blaming can be very tempting, and no matter how true it may seem to be that the other person was at fault, blaming usually harms the relationship.
The easiest way to do this to make statements that start with “I.”
I feel ______.
I want ______.
When _____ happened, I felt _____.
When you _____, I felt _____, and I wanted _____.
As hard as it may be, speaking in this way actually increases the chance your viewpoint will be understand and even validated. It also shows you respect and appreciate your partner.
Take some time out
When you or your partner is intensely feeling the emotions, it’s usually not a good time for a rational discussion of the issue.
It usually takes some time to feel and release the emotions. Depending on the issue and your relationship, it may be possible (or not) for one partner to support the other in the processing their emotion.
Either way some time apart, whether it’s going for a walk or deciding not to discuss it until next week, can help.
Go back to what connected you in the first place
In the stress and challenge of trying to resolve a trust breakdown in a gay marriage, or other relationship, it can be easy to become more disconnected.
Take some time to go back to the things that really drew you together in the first place. What were the hobbies, interests, and activities that you enjoyed doing together.
The challenge is to really take time out to spend time with connecting, and to make this a practice. It could be easy to let that go by the wayside.
It’s often helpful to schedule time for talking about the issue(s) that are getting in the way and separate times for connecting and enjoying each other. Without one it can be harder to be successful at the other.
Explore letting go of the past
The process of restoring trust is not linear and it often takes time.
It usually takes time and effort to resolve trust issues in a relationship. Letting go is hardly ever the first good step. In fact, it’s something that can’t be rushed.
At some point, it becomes the next best step to keep and deepen the relationship.
Letting go does not mean pretending that something did not happen, or saying it did not matter. It just means that you are choosing to go forward rather than hang onto the past.
Create new, realistic expectation based on the present moment
As human beings we are constantly changing, and growing. A danger in long-term relationships is that we forget this. It’s easy to assume for people to assume they know how their partner thinks and feels.
Ideally everyone would revisit their assumptions and expectations regularly and adjust them before problems happen, but often that doesn’t happen.
After a breakdown in trust, is an especially important time to do so.
This can be an easy or difficult process. Sometimes new expectations can be easily reached and in others it may require addressing bigger questions about the future nature of the relationship iteslf.
This time of creating new, realistic expectations may involve making requests for behavior change, and sharing why that would be helpful for you.
If you don’t know what you want or don’t ask your partner for it, don’t be surprised if you don’t get it.
When confronted with the breakdown of trust, there are some steps you can take to restore trust with your partner.
Steps you can take to restore trust
The place to start is to take these steps and do them yourself, whether you feel that you were the person wronged or you did something that has made it hard for your partner to trust you. Even if your partner is not keen to work on the relationship, your efforts can have a significant impact.
The place to start is to take these steps and do them yourself, whether you feel that you were the person wronged or you did something that has made it hard for your partner to trust you. Even if your partner is not keen to work on the relationship, your efforts can have a significant impact.
Listen to the other’s perspective
Once the most highly charged emotion has gotten less intense, you’ll be in a better position to listen to your partner.
Regardless of whose behavior caused the breakdown of trust, take some time to listen to their perspective.
The challenge here is to find ways to listen to and empathize with (truly understand) the other perspective without making them wrong for their feelings (and without giving up your own).
The opportunity is for them to feel heard and loved.
Say what’s true for you, in a way that’s not mean-spirited
Your perspective and feelings are valid and worth being heard.
The challenge here is to not sacrifices yourself and to communicate in a way that’s
both clear and yet kind. It’s easy to be mean when you feel someone has been mean to you. That just makes things worse.
Blaming can be very tempting, and no matter how true it may seem to be that the other person was at fault, blaming usually harms the relationship.
The easiest way to do this to make statements that start with “I.”
I feel ______.
I want ______.
When _____ happened, I felt _____.
When you _____, I felt _____, and I wanted _____.
As hard as it may be, speaking in this way actually increases the chance your viewpoint will be understand and even validated. It also shows you respect and appreciate your partner.
Take some time out
When you or your partner is intensely feeling the emotions, it’s usually not a good time for a rational discussion of the issue.
It usually takes some time to feel and release the emotions. Depending on the issue and your relationship, it may be possible (or not) for one partner to support the other in the processing their emotion.
Either way some time apart, whether it’s going for a walk or deciding not to discuss it until next week, can help.
Go back to what connected you in the first place
In the stress and challenge of trying to resolve a trust breakdown in a gay marriage, or other relationship, it can be easy to become more disconnected.
Take some time to go back to the things that really drew you together in the first place. What were the hobbies, interests, and activities that you enjoyed doing together.
The challenge is to really take time out to spend time with connecting, and to make this a practice. It could be easy to let that go by the wayside.
It’s often helpful to schedule time for talking about the issue(s) that are getting in the way and separate times for connecting and enjoying each other. Without one it can be harder to be successful at the other.
Explore letting go of the past
The process of restoring trust is not linear and it often takes time.
It usually takes time and effort to resolve trust issues in a relationship. Letting go is hardly ever the first good step. In fact, it’s something that can’t be rushed.
At some point, it becomes the next best step to keep and deepen the relationship.
Letting go does not mean pretending that something did not happen, or saying it did not matter. It just means that you are choosing to go forward rather than hang onto the past.
Restoring trust in relationship can be worthwhile
The steps to restoring trust are not easy ones. It takes time, effort, and possibly repeating some of the steps several times – depending on the issue and strength of the relationship.
Even if your partner isn’t keen to work on restoring trust there is a lot you can do on your own to improve the health of the relationship.
If your partner is a good match for you and you’ve built a strong relationship foundation, putting the time and effort in to restoring trust can be a worthwhile. It can reward you greatly as you experience more relationship success in the months and years to come.
The steps to restoring trust are not easy ones. It takes time, effort, and possibly repeating some of the steps several times – depending on the issue and strength of the relationship.
Even if your partner isn’t keen to work on restoring trust there is a lot you can do on your own to improve the health of the relationship.
If your partner is a good match for you and you’ve built a strong relationship foundation, putting the time and effort in to restoring trust can be a worthwhile. It can reward you greatly as you experience more relationship success in the months and years to come.
Create new, realistic expectation based on the present moment
As human beings we are constantly changing, and growing. A danger in long-term relationships is that we forget this. It’s easy to assume for people to assume they know how their partner thinks and feels.
Ideally everyone would revisit their assumptions and expectations regularly and adjust them before problems happen, but often that doesn’t happen.
After a breakdown in trust, is an especially important time to do so.
This can be an easy or difficult process. Sometimes new expectations can be easily reached and in others it may require addressing bigger questions about the future nature of the relationship iteslf.
This time of creating new, realistic expectations may involve making requests for behavior change, and sharing why that would be helpful for you.
If you don’t know what you want or don’t ask your partner for it, don’t be surprised if you don’t get it.
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