A recent client of mine came to a counseling session struggling with some sexual identity issues about the fact that he was gay but had fallen in love with a woman.
His proclivity was to view gay porn, and he had to hide his arousal when he snuck a peek at the muscled jocks at the gym who he found so enticing. Still, this young woman he’d established a friendship with had evolved into a romance, and he found himself fantasizing about a future with her, a vision that he felt was at odds with what he thought he knew his sexual orientation to be. He found her attractive, though perhaps the lustful feelings were not as potent as for men.
He ultimately decided to continue pursuing his relationship with her; he was able to be honest with her about his sexuality while finding ways to honor and express the gay side of his identity within the boundaries they set forth. Love trumped eroticism in this case.
There Are Tons of Examples of People Experiencing This Situation
In a different example, when discussing this topic with my boyfriend, he reminisced about having been in love with three different women during his 20s and early 30s before embracing his desire for a same-sex union.
When assessing the dynamics of this situation, he relayed to me that how for him, even though he had strong feelings for these women, he was more in love with the idea and illusion of being with a woman as a defense against his internalized homophobia and desire to have children while he was still reconciling with his coming-out process.
His mother ultimately helped him clarify this dilemma. He said she had asked him, “If you were in love with a woman and were in a permanent relationship with her, would you ever be tempted to cheat to be with a man? Conversely, if you were in a partnership with a man, would you ever be tempted to cheat to be with a woman?” For him, the answer became clear, and his scenario depicted more of a clarification of his coming out journey.
Then there are also those with true bisexual identities in which their erotic preferences are not dichotomous and they slant toward both genders. Love and attraction is not discriminatory here. Both the individual’s traits and physical attraction collide within any given gender.
His proclivity was to view gay porn, and he had to hide his arousal when he snuck a peek at the muscled jocks at the gym who he found so enticing. Still, this young woman he’d established a friendship with had evolved into a romance, and he found himself fantasizing about a future with her, a vision that he felt was at odds with what he thought he knew his sexual orientation to be. He found her attractive, though perhaps the lustful feelings were not as potent as for men.
He ultimately decided to continue pursuing his relationship with her; he was able to be honest with her about his sexuality while finding ways to honor and express the gay side of his identity within the boundaries they set forth. Love trumped eroticism in this case.
There Are Tons of Examples of People Experiencing This Situation
In a different example, when discussing this topic with my boyfriend, he reminisced about having been in love with three different women during his 20s and early 30s before embracing his desire for a same-sex union.
When assessing the dynamics of this situation, he relayed to me that how for him, even though he had strong feelings for these women, he was more in love with the idea and illusion of being with a woman as a defense against his internalized homophobia and desire to have children while he was still reconciling with his coming-out process.
His mother ultimately helped him clarify this dilemma. He said she had asked him, “If you were in love with a woman and were in a permanent relationship with her, would you ever be tempted to cheat to be with a man? Conversely, if you were in a partnership with a man, would you ever be tempted to cheat to be with a woman?” For him, the answer became clear, and his scenario depicted more of a clarification of his coming out journey.
Then there are also those with true bisexual identities in which their erotic preferences are not dichotomous and they slant toward both genders. Love and attraction is not discriminatory here. Both the individual’s traits and physical attraction collide within any given gender.