Gay men have a tendency to not be monogamous. There. Let’s state it outright.
Long liberated from heteronormative ideals like the nuclear family, two-person monogamous relationships, and marriage, gay men have been pioneers of “nontraditional” relationships for generations. These include nonmanogamous, open, and semi-open relationships. The social milieu surrounding gay lives has changed, sure - same-sex partners now have the legal right to marry in all 50 states - but gay men have not.
All that being said, many gay long-term relationships start off monogamously and gradually open up. That “gradually opening up” process is the part that causes so much strife, arguing, bickering, and downright chaos for so many gay couples.
Most boyfriends start with threesomes - both partners decide on a guy they both are interested in and take him home. There is admittedly no easy way to bring up the idea of a threesome to your boyfriend without navigating a minefield of feelings, both negative and positive, in you and your partner: jealousy, excitement, hurt, disappointment, and surprise.
Browse these 12 different ways to have the “threesome talk,” keeping in mind that open and honest communication, above all else, is the most vital feature of a good relationship.
1. “I’ve always wanted to try DP.”
I’m serious - saying this got one got one of my exes to welcome a third into our playtime, quite out of necessity.
In case you haven’t browsed a gay porn website recently, DP - or “double penetration” - is when two tops insert both of their cocks into a bottom’s hole. It’s admittedly hard to do, especially if you have never done it before. There a few different positons you can do DP in, but we won’t go into them here — that’s what PornHub is for. All of them obviously require three guys, which means that if you want to try DP with your boyfriend, it means an automatic threesome.
This was how I introduced the concept of threesomes to one of my college boyfriends. We were monogamous, we were young, and he was very resistant to the idea of letting others into our intimacy. But he liked the idea of exploring a new sex practice together, particularly one I had never done before (this was actually a lie - I had taken two before), and he welcomed in a third on the condition that it would be for one particular sex act and one sex act only.
The rest is history.
2. “Hey, babe, maybe we should get a joint Grindr account.”
In their well-intentioned attempts to be monogamous in the beginning, many gay couples will clear their Grindr and Scruff profiles and delete the apps from their phone. This is a kind gesture that says, “I’m going to focus on you and only you for a while.”
But the simple fact of biological evolution predicts that at some point it will become hard to focus on “you and only you.” Humans aren’t designed that way. Thousands of years of evolution taught us to be promiscuous. Different things are responsible for the advent of “partnerships,” “marriage,” and “families” as widespread practices of our species (agriculture, religion, war), but these practices, along with the institutions that reinforce them, ignore - and shame - our most basic biology.
Long story short: Despite your best attempt to notice him and only him, you will at some point notice other guys and want to see them naked.
When this happens, it is best to talk to your boyfriend about it. Tell your boyfriend that you think the burly guy at the bar wearing a beanie and septum ring is hot. You can safely predict that your boyfriend will immediately start analyzing himself in respect to said burly, beanie-wearing guy. “Am I as hot as he is? Should I get my septum pierced?”
While this might lead to some uncomfortable feelings, open communication is always better than its opposite, which in this case would be pretending that you do not notice anyone other than your loving partner.
When you have hashed through these feelings as a couple and talked out your jealousies and desires, it is time to get a joint account on a hookup profile or perhaps customize your individual accounts to state clearly that you are in a relationship with each other.
Scruff in particular allows you to link your profile with your partner’s, meaning that guys interested in you can click through to your partner’s account.
I know, I know, it was the show that disappointed everyone. Everyone was either disappointed in the show itself or disappointed that it ended so soon, after only two seasons. You either loved it or hated it - there was no middle ground. One thing we can all agree upon, though, is that Looking captured gay life in its modern state more realistically than anything we’ve seen in the last several years.
The premier episode featured a threesome between the couple Augustin and Frank and a sexy third, Scotty. This later led to a rather interesting storyline between the couple - watch the show for more. When you put down the remote, break the awkward silence with “So how do you feel about threesomes?”
4. “When are we going to discuss our parameters?”
This is a more direct approach, and an intelligent one. Saying this tells him that your relationship parameters - your boundaries - are something that need to be discussed and not assumed. It implies that such a conversation is necessary - because it is.
It will be a tense conversation, and like all vital conversations in the course of a relationship, it will require absolute honesty on your part. If you want to be able to play with others at some point, say so. If you want to eventually work up to nonmonogamy or even perhaps an open relationship, say so. State your long-term goals and short-term goals, but with the understanding and admittance that these goals might change as your relationship progresses.
Above all else, go out of your way to make it clear to him that he is your number 1.
In all relationships, it is important to let the person you’re with know they are valued above the rest - that they are special and prized in your eyes. This becomes doubly important in nonmonogamous, open, and semi-open relationships - and in currently monogamous relationships with nonmonogamous goals. In nonmonogamy, the concepts of exclusivity and even intimacy may seem vague or fluid, and this can upset some people and can make the guy you’re with feel unimportant. Remind him often that you love him first.
If your long-term goal is to eventually be in a nonmonogamous relationship - however you may define one - you must take time during this conversation to remind him that this goal is something you are pursuing together.
I know many couples who never take the time in the early days of their relationship to sit down and discuss their boundaries or parameters. It’s risky not to, in my opinion, but I know quite a few men who simply aren’t going to do that. They do not like sitting down to have serious talks, and miraculously they make relationships work without doing so.
If you’re that kind of guy, you might have to be blunt in the moment - and ask. When you’re at a bar with your boyfriend and there’s a guy sitting next to you that you’re talking to and clicking with, turn to your boyfriend and say, “Hey, this guy’s cute. Can we take him home?”
Without any prior discussion beforehand, his answer will either be yes or no. He might also have a lot of feelings about the situation and about you asking, that simply cannot be communicated in a bar. But if your guy is like you, averse to serious discussions and game for adventure, he might say yes - and that’s that. Have a fun night!
6. The sandwich move.
Any gay men who has ever gone to a gay circuit party or dance club knows that navigating the terrain of body cues, nonverbal communication, and subtle cruising is an art form in itself. Put your relationship with your newish boyfriend into that mix and you have a whole new set of signals to read.
I firmly believe that dancing in a sea of gay men is one of the best experiences a homo can have, and doing so with your boyfriend can be intensely romantic and erotic, particularly once you get those early jealousies out of the way. People will always get jealous, particularly in relationships, and jealousy shouldn’t be feared. You want your boyfriend to get jealous, and you want yourself to get jealous. The trick to navigating jealousy is to communicate through it, talk about it, acknowledge it, understand it, and work through it as a couple to the point that you can enjoy circuit parties and those seas of dancing, horny gay men without a problem.
Which brings me to the “sandwich move.” The sandwich move is when you’re dancing with your boyfriend and there’s a guy dancing in your immediate vicinity who is really fucking hot and looking you up and down - he’s interested, he’s game. You take the upper hand and gradually start to move you and your partner around him, sandwiching him between you two, at which point you both will grind and grope freely - a dancing floor threesome. (As you can guess, the sandwich move often leads to taking the guy home.)
The first time you do a sandwich move will be tricky, because your boyfriend may not be prepared for it or might misinterpret it, which means it will be your job to communicate (typically wordlessly if you are in a loud club) with him with your eyes and your body. Get nods of approval before moving in, and be on the lookout if he’s not reading what you are trying to do, or worse, misreading it as an attempt to dance with someone else and leave him solo.
Continue with part 2 in here:
Long liberated from heteronormative ideals like the nuclear family, two-person monogamous relationships, and marriage, gay men have been pioneers of “nontraditional” relationships for generations. These include nonmanogamous, open, and semi-open relationships. The social milieu surrounding gay lives has changed, sure - same-sex partners now have the legal right to marry in all 50 states - but gay men have not.
All that being said, many gay long-term relationships start off monogamously and gradually open up. That “gradually opening up” process is the part that causes so much strife, arguing, bickering, and downright chaos for so many gay couples.
Most boyfriends start with threesomes - both partners decide on a guy they both are interested in and take him home. There is admittedly no easy way to bring up the idea of a threesome to your boyfriend without navigating a minefield of feelings, both negative and positive, in you and your partner: jealousy, excitement, hurt, disappointment, and surprise.
Browse these 12 different ways to have the “threesome talk,” keeping in mind that open and honest communication, above all else, is the most vital feature of a good relationship.
1. “I’ve always wanted to try DP.”
I’m serious - saying this got one got one of my exes to welcome a third into our playtime, quite out of necessity.
In case you haven’t browsed a gay porn website recently, DP - or “double penetration” - is when two tops insert both of their cocks into a bottom’s hole. It’s admittedly hard to do, especially if you have never done it before. There a few different positons you can do DP in, but we won’t go into them here — that’s what PornHub is for. All of them obviously require three guys, which means that if you want to try DP with your boyfriend, it means an automatic threesome.
This was how I introduced the concept of threesomes to one of my college boyfriends. We were monogamous, we were young, and he was very resistant to the idea of letting others into our intimacy. But he liked the idea of exploring a new sex practice together, particularly one I had never done before (this was actually a lie - I had taken two before), and he welcomed in a third on the condition that it would be for one particular sex act and one sex act only.
The rest is history.
2. “Hey, babe, maybe we should get a joint Grindr account.”
In their well-intentioned attempts to be monogamous in the beginning, many gay couples will clear their Grindr and Scruff profiles and delete the apps from their phone. This is a kind gesture that says, “I’m going to focus on you and only you for a while.”
But the simple fact of biological evolution predicts that at some point it will become hard to focus on “you and only you.” Humans aren’t designed that way. Thousands of years of evolution taught us to be promiscuous. Different things are responsible for the advent of “partnerships,” “marriage,” and “families” as widespread practices of our species (agriculture, religion, war), but these practices, along with the institutions that reinforce them, ignore - and shame - our most basic biology.
Long story short: Despite your best attempt to notice him and only him, you will at some point notice other guys and want to see them naked.
When this happens, it is best to talk to your boyfriend about it. Tell your boyfriend that you think the burly guy at the bar wearing a beanie and septum ring is hot. You can safely predict that your boyfriend will immediately start analyzing himself in respect to said burly, beanie-wearing guy. “Am I as hot as he is? Should I get my septum pierced?”
While this might lead to some uncomfortable feelings, open communication is always better than its opposite, which in this case would be pretending that you do not notice anyone other than your loving partner.
When you have hashed through these feelings as a couple and talked out your jealousies and desires, it is time to get a joint account on a hookup profile or perhaps customize your individual accounts to state clearly that you are in a relationship with each other.
Scruff in particular allows you to link your profile with your partner’s, meaning that guys interested in you can click through to your partner’s account.
3. Watch Looking together.
I know, I know, it was the show that disappointed everyone. Everyone was either disappointed in the show itself or disappointed that it ended so soon, after only two seasons. You either loved it or hated it - there was no middle ground. One thing we can all agree upon, though, is that Looking captured gay life in its modern state more realistically than anything we’ve seen in the last several years.
The premier episode featured a threesome between the couple Augustin and Frank and a sexy third, Scotty. This later led to a rather interesting storyline between the couple - watch the show for more. When you put down the remote, break the awkward silence with “So how do you feel about threesomes?”
4. “When are we going to discuss our parameters?”
This is a more direct approach, and an intelligent one. Saying this tells him that your relationship parameters - your boundaries - are something that need to be discussed and not assumed. It implies that such a conversation is necessary - because it is.
It will be a tense conversation, and like all vital conversations in the course of a relationship, it will require absolute honesty on your part. If you want to be able to play with others at some point, say so. If you want to eventually work up to nonmonogamy or even perhaps an open relationship, say so. State your long-term goals and short-term goals, but with the understanding and admittance that these goals might change as your relationship progresses.
Above all else, go out of your way to make it clear to him that he is your number 1.
In all relationships, it is important to let the person you’re with know they are valued above the rest - that they are special and prized in your eyes. This becomes doubly important in nonmonogamous, open, and semi-open relationships - and in currently monogamous relationships with nonmonogamous goals. In nonmonogamy, the concepts of exclusivity and even intimacy may seem vague or fluid, and this can upset some people and can make the guy you’re with feel unimportant. Remind him often that you love him first.
If your long-term goal is to eventually be in a nonmonogamous relationship - however you may define one - you must take time during this conversation to remind him that this goal is something you are pursuing together.
5. Ask
I know many couples who never take the time in the early days of their relationship to sit down and discuss their boundaries or parameters. It’s risky not to, in my opinion, but I know quite a few men who simply aren’t going to do that. They do not like sitting down to have serious talks, and miraculously they make relationships work without doing so.
If you’re that kind of guy, you might have to be blunt in the moment - and ask. When you’re at a bar with your boyfriend and there’s a guy sitting next to you that you’re talking to and clicking with, turn to your boyfriend and say, “Hey, this guy’s cute. Can we take him home?”
Without any prior discussion beforehand, his answer will either be yes or no. He might also have a lot of feelings about the situation and about you asking, that simply cannot be communicated in a bar. But if your guy is like you, averse to serious discussions and game for adventure, he might say yes - and that’s that. Have a fun night!
6. The sandwich move.
Any gay men who has ever gone to a gay circuit party or dance club knows that navigating the terrain of body cues, nonverbal communication, and subtle cruising is an art form in itself. Put your relationship with your newish boyfriend into that mix and you have a whole new set of signals to read.
I firmly believe that dancing in a sea of gay men is one of the best experiences a homo can have, and doing so with your boyfriend can be intensely romantic and erotic, particularly once you get those early jealousies out of the way. People will always get jealous, particularly in relationships, and jealousy shouldn’t be feared. You want your boyfriend to get jealous, and you want yourself to get jealous. The trick to navigating jealousy is to communicate through it, talk about it, acknowledge it, understand it, and work through it as a couple to the point that you can enjoy circuit parties and those seas of dancing, horny gay men without a problem.
Which brings me to the “sandwich move.” The sandwich move is when you’re dancing with your boyfriend and there’s a guy dancing in your immediate vicinity who is really fucking hot and looking you up and down - he’s interested, he’s game. You take the upper hand and gradually start to move you and your partner around him, sandwiching him between you two, at which point you both will grind and grope freely - a dancing floor threesome. (As you can guess, the sandwich move often leads to taking the guy home.)
The first time you do a sandwich move will be tricky, because your boyfriend may not be prepared for it or might misinterpret it, which means it will be your job to communicate (typically wordlessly if you are in a loud club) with him with your eyes and your body. Get nods of approval before moving in, and be on the lookout if he’s not reading what you are trying to do, or worse, misreading it as an attempt to dance with someone else and leave him solo.
Continue with part 2 in here:
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