When you are 50 age. You will thinking a lot about this next chapter of your life, as if, You divided it into thirds, well, the first two thirds are kind of over (not much we can do about that!) and there remains the last third – which, if you're lucky enough to be like a few of my relatives, living to 90 or beyond is perhaps possible.
So what to do with whatever amount of life is ahead, how to use it, especially the gifts given? We was brought up to believe and actually still do believe we should make the most of our capabilities, our talents.
We do think that as gay men we put an extreme value on physicality and sexual attractiveness, and I’m certainly not immune to that. For many years, we equated much of my self-worth with how attractive it was we appeared to other men, i.e., if they wanted me, then we must have been worth something.
And it was true - sadly, perhaps, though it just speaks to our American culture and the gay American culture specifically -once I started working out at gyms when I was 28, a lot more invitations for intimacy came my way. So, while I always said I loved fitness because it made me healthier, the better reason is I loved it cause it got me laid.
And so, at a couple of weeks away from 50, those invitations have largely slowed down – not to an absolute dead gridlock stop, but let’s say they’re more on par with that slow roll to a sobriety checkpoint on a weekend night.
If you are fortunate enough to be really pretty, this gradual loss of looks is probably much harder. Added to that, for so many of us, at least of my boomer generation and likely many younger people, were fed lies as to our native self-worth as young, in the closet gays. Were you bullied? I was certainly called names; I didn’t regard that as bullying until recently, because it mostly never involved any physical violence - but there are other kinds of violence. Did you try to be the best little boy in the world? I did, that translated into being a perfectionist later in life. So if your self-worth is all tied up in the gym and how you look, and what happens when that starts to fade? What happens when the marketplace of jobs also decides you are too old, which often happens concurrently? What then, this double whammy?
It’s almost like the ageist culture expects everybody to die at 40! If your sexual and employment currency is changed or diminished, who is it that I am now, where is my place?
If you can’t get laid anymore, or don’t care that much about it anymore, are you still gay? While that might seem to be a ridiculous question, so much of what the community values and defines itself as directly ties in with our sexual expression, so what happens when that’s gone or there’s much less of it? Who are we then?
If all it is that we value are the benefits and rewards of youth, what happens when those go away? You change your thinking, that’s what happens. You change your definition of what it all means, and you find the things of value.
It bears repeating that so many of the men of my generation and those a few years older/younger have already had half our friends die well before their time. Included among those dead are the men who were leaders of our community and would likely have been role models as aging gay men. There are a few out there, but not that many, not a huge number, and certainly not in the media. Largely, this script will be written by us, and we’re going to have to make it up as we go along.
So, what does the community value beyond those benefits directly related to sexuality?
We’ve been on a hunt for this for a few years, looking for values that are more than skin deep. Places where we might direct our efforts once other avenues are closed off. Looking for some broad directions for the next third of my life. This is what I’ve found. We value:
So what to do with whatever amount of life is ahead, how to use it, especially the gifts given? We was brought up to believe and actually still do believe we should make the most of our capabilities, our talents.
We do think that as gay men we put an extreme value on physicality and sexual attractiveness, and I’m certainly not immune to that. For many years, we equated much of my self-worth with how attractive it was we appeared to other men, i.e., if they wanted me, then we must have been worth something.
And it was true - sadly, perhaps, though it just speaks to our American culture and the gay American culture specifically -once I started working out at gyms when I was 28, a lot more invitations for intimacy came my way. So, while I always said I loved fitness because it made me healthier, the better reason is I loved it cause it got me laid.
And so, at a couple of weeks away from 50, those invitations have largely slowed down – not to an absolute dead gridlock stop, but let’s say they’re more on par with that slow roll to a sobriety checkpoint on a weekend night.
If you are fortunate enough to be really pretty, this gradual loss of looks is probably much harder. Added to that, for so many of us, at least of my boomer generation and likely many younger people, were fed lies as to our native self-worth as young, in the closet gays. Were you bullied? I was certainly called names; I didn’t regard that as bullying until recently, because it mostly never involved any physical violence - but there are other kinds of violence. Did you try to be the best little boy in the world? I did, that translated into being a perfectionist later in life. So if your self-worth is all tied up in the gym and how you look, and what happens when that starts to fade? What happens when the marketplace of jobs also decides you are too old, which often happens concurrently? What then, this double whammy?
It’s almost like the ageist culture expects everybody to die at 40! If your sexual and employment currency is changed or diminished, who is it that I am now, where is my place?
If you can’t get laid anymore, or don’t care that much about it anymore, are you still gay? While that might seem to be a ridiculous question, so much of what the community values and defines itself as directly ties in with our sexual expression, so what happens when that’s gone or there’s much less of it? Who are we then?
If all it is that we value are the benefits and rewards of youth, what happens when those go away? You change your thinking, that’s what happens. You change your definition of what it all means, and you find the things of value.
It bears repeating that so many of the men of my generation and those a few years older/younger have already had half our friends die well before their time. Included among those dead are the men who were leaders of our community and would likely have been role models as aging gay men. There are a few out there, but not that many, not a huge number, and certainly not in the media. Largely, this script will be written by us, and we’re going to have to make it up as we go along.
So, what does the community value beyond those benefits directly related to sexuality?
We’ve been on a hunt for this for a few years, looking for values that are more than skin deep. Places where we might direct our efforts once other avenues are closed off. Looking for some broad directions for the next third of my life. This is what I’ve found. We value:
Mentoring and Legacy - Gays have also always been overrepresented in the teaching professions. In families, we often assume this role for nieces and nephews. We have much to give younger people of all persuasions, but particularly to our young gay brothers and sisters who were born into a much different world that we were.
Service - we are the community that took care of our own during the worst of the AIDS plague years and continue to be responsible for people of all stripes through our compassionate nature and the institutions that we’ve built up for community service.
Camp - who was it, the incredible Fran Lebowitz, who said, “If you remove all the homosexuals and homosexual influences from what is generally regarded as American culture, you are pretty much left with Let’s Make a Deal.” We are able to see truth as outsiders, and are able to make our own fun out of it.
Nature - Gay people have traditionally been keepers of the relationship with that world, either by shamanism or other mystical and spiritual traditions.
Service - we are the community that took care of our own during the worst of the AIDS plague years and continue to be responsible for people of all stripes through our compassionate nature and the institutions that we’ve built up for community service.
Camp - who was it, the incredible Fran Lebowitz, who said, “If you remove all the homosexuals and homosexual influences from what is generally regarded as American culture, you are pretty much left with Let’s Make a Deal.” We are able to see truth as outsiders, and are able to make our own fun out of it.
Nature - Gay people have traditionally been keepers of the relationship with that world, either by shamanism or other mystical and spiritual traditions.
Spectacle - we are the tribe that largely gives the world Broadway and Hollywood. Surely, all those men creating fabulousness are not all under 40, and the realm of joy-giving is not limited by age.
Beauty - we’ve pretty much done your hair and designed your clothes and interiors from time immemorial. An elder value in beauty is not to lose sight of it, and to point it out for those whose hearts are hurting or can’t see it.
Activism, Fierceness, Righteousness - I see this in the current fights for marriage equality, and to expose those regimes in other parts of the world that threaten gay people’s actual existence. This is a group that’s not afraid to stand up for what is right and for what it believes in. Older gays, especially those without the time drag of full time career-type jobs, can staff and lead these organizations, again, being of service.
Beauty - we’ve pretty much done your hair and designed your clothes and interiors from time immemorial. An elder value in beauty is not to lose sight of it, and to point it out for those whose hearts are hurting or can’t see it.
Activism, Fierceness, Righteousness - I see this in the current fights for marriage equality, and to expose those regimes in other parts of the world that threaten gay people’s actual existence. This is a group that’s not afraid to stand up for what is right and for what it believes in. Older gays, especially those without the time drag of full time career-type jobs, can staff and lead these organizations, again, being of service.
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