1. Fewer men are going out to gay events
Again, blame the apps. I only have anecdotal evidence, but I know many guys, myself included, who kind of want to go out, but not actually, but still want to hook up, etc. What do we end up doing? Hopping on Grindr or Tinder or Scruff. It’s like if you can order D to the door, why go out to a restaurant?
Again, blame the apps. I only have anecdotal evidence, but I know many guys, myself included, who kind of want to go out, but not actually, but still want to hook up, etc. What do we end up doing? Hopping on Grindr or Tinder or Scruff. It’s like if you can order D to the door, why go out to a restaurant?
There seems to be a “grass is always greener” phenomenon, especially when we're in our twenties. Friends and family members often trivialize our relationships, telling us to just “have fun and explore” because we’re “so young.” But when we're dating someone, we often feel like we’re missing out on other relationships and experiences.
3. Hookup culture is contagious
Even though we all claim to be looking for love, we can never seem to meet someone else who is. Hookup culture is rampant, and everyone wants to do things with no strings attached (NSA). But sometimes, we want strings. Why is that such a bad thing?
4. Guys are less likely to approach in person
You can blame the apps for this one. Is it only me or guys are getting shyer and shyer? With hookup apps, we’re losing social skills (or at least many of us are). When meeting people in person was the only way actually to interact with a cute guy, we took risks. We knew out-right, in-person rejection was just a thing that happens. With apps, we don’t feel as hurt or rejected because it’s not in person. Because of this, many of us are too timid to talk to guys IRL.
5. You live in a small town (and there are literally no options)
You can blame the apps for this one. Is it only me or guys are getting shyer and shyer? With hookup apps, we’re losing social skills (or at least many of us are). When meeting people in person was the only way actually to interact with a cute guy, we took risks. We knew out-right, in-person rejection was just a thing that happens. With apps, we don’t feel as hurt or rejected because it’s not in person. Because of this, many of us are too timid to talk to guys IRL.
5. You live in a small town (and there are literally no options)
That’s a tough one. While you can live in a small city and be openly gay and love it, many gay men feel smothered. Here are some tips for surviving being gay in a small town.
6. You’re not sure whether you’re jealous of him or want to date him
Honest to god, when a guy looks at me intently, I have no idea if he’s flirting with me, judging me, or sizing me up. The male-on-male gaze is, and will forever be elusive to decipher. Does he want to be me or be inside me?
7. No one has anything figured out in their twenties (and everyone's insecure)
This is why people often trivialize our relationships in our twenties because we’re still figuring so many things out. That said, don’t sell yourself short. We know more about ourselves and what’s going on our bodies than other people think. Still, insecurity and confusion are ubiquitous in the queer community, in particular for men in their twenties.
This is why people often trivialize our relationships in our twenties because we’re still figuring so many things out. That said, don’t sell yourself short. We know more about ourselves and what’s going on our bodies than other people think. Still, insecurity and confusion are ubiquitous in the queer community, in particular for men in their twenties.
8. Body dysmorphia is an epidemic
I’ve always had body image issues, but once I came out a few years ago, and became more active in the gay community, my minor insecurities transformed into full-blown body dysmorphia. So many gay/bi men are shallow. So many LGBTQ+ sites glorify impossible to attain (without steroids and Photoshop) bodies. It becomes difficult to love others’ bodies when you can’t even love yourself.
9. Racism not-so-subtly disguised as “preference”
It actually shocks me how openly racist so many gay and bisexual men are. What’s even more shocking is how seemingly accepted it is. I honestly don’t know what else to say.
10. You judge yourself based off of heteronormative standards of dating
Of course, we want equal rights and want to be treated with dignity and respect, but that doesn’t mean that we have to subscribe to a heteronormative lifestyle. We deserve the right to marry, but we don't have to exercise that right. We have a queer culture. One, in my opinion, that’s less oppressive than straight culture. It allows for exploration and openness. Don’t judge yourself and your relationships by heteronormative standards.
11. You don’t want to date someone younger
But you also don't want to date someone older. You don’t want to date someone younger than you because you want someone who’s mature, but all the older men seem to be different stages in their lives than you are. So who do you date? Someone your own age? That makes the dating pool even smaller!
12. Even in the major cities, the pool can feel small
Even in cities like SF or NY, the pool seems small after a few months. You keep running into the same people, and everyone seems to know your ex. Or every new you guy meet has a history with someone else.
Even in cities like SF or NY, the pool seems small after a few months. You keep running into the same people, and everyone seems to know your ex. Or every new you guy meet has a history with someone else.
13. Everyone’s life is in flux
People are going to graduate school or getting new jobs. No one seems to be settled in the same place. Everyone is always moving. Because of this, many relationships often end because of circumstance as opposed to actually something “wrong” in the relationship.
14. HIV and other STIs are still a big concern
STIs are something we're always worried or thinking about. It often makes dating difficult when we have scares (or actually acquire HIV or another STI).
15. Sexual chemistry is a huge barrier
I foolishly like to believe that all men are versatile, and we live in a gay, sexual utopia. Alas, I know this isn’t the case, and there’s nothing worse than having a crush on a guy, going on a date, only to go back to realize that both of you are tops or bottoms. Of course, you can do other stuff, and there’s more to sex than anal penetration, but still, it freakin’ sucks.
16. Many gay events are centered around hooking up
So many queer events are centered around drinking, bars, and hooking up, as opposed to actually meeting someone. Here aresome ways to meet men that aren’t focused around bars and hookup culture.
17. Many men on dating apps are dishonest
It’s just a fact of life that men lie on dating apps. I’m not even talking about the misleading blurry pictures from 20+ years ago. I’m talking about how they present themselves, and what they say their values and interests are.
It’s just a fact of life that men lie on dating apps. I’m not even talking about the misleading blurry pictures from 20+ years ago. I’m talking about how they present themselves, and what they say their values and interests are.
18. You don’t have any money yet
We’re all broke, and if we’re not broke, we’re not rolling in the dough (just yet). Most of us are barely getting by, and if we’re lucky, maybe saving a hundred dollars a month. Dating is tough when you don’t have the extra spending money. You want to be able to go out and do fun things: Dinner, drinks, museums, trips, etc., but it’s difficult when you can’t afford it.
We’re all broke, and if we’re not broke, we’re not rolling in the dough (just yet). Most of us are barely getting by, and if we’re lucky, maybe saving a hundred dollars a month. Dating is tough when you don’t have the extra spending money. You want to be able to go out and do fun things: Dinner, drinks, museums, trips, etc., but it’s difficult when you can’t afford it.
19. It seems like playing hard to get or immediately hooking up is the best way to find a BF
Why can’t we just be honest that we like someone? Why do we immediately have to jump into bed with them or play hard to get? It often feels like you have to walk such a fine line, and do all these little things, to secure a boyfriend. What happened to just being yourself?
20. Many people won’t date you if you’re bi
Many men and women believe vicious stereotypes about bisexuals. We’re in denial, we’re sex addicts, we can’t be monogamous, we’re greedy, we spread HIV, we’ll leave you for someone else of another gender, etc. These stereotypes are undoubtedly false, but it still doesn't stop people from refusing to date us.
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