While cultivating a friendship should happen organically, there are a few ways to identify and nurture a close relationship with someone who will hopefully become your new gay bestie.
1. Understand that all gay people aren’t the same.
Before you embark upon this epic search, consider the fact that just because a guy or gal is gay, it doesn’t mean he or she fits nicely into a certain stereotype. Just like straight people, you're going to find manly men who are gay and soft, feminine girls who prefer the ladies as well, and individuals who love or detest fashion, finance or fishing, or whatever else it is you're hoping they're keen on.
Even if you believe you must have that flamboyant gay man to be your gay best friend, consider first the person inside-what you are looking for is a soul mate friend, not a decorative accessory.
Even if you believe you must have that flamboyant gay man to be your gay best friend, consider first the person inside-what you are looking for is a soul mate friend, not a decorative accessory.
- Nobody likes a condescending person who thinks that anyone who knows them should feel grateful. If this is your underlying motivation, any friendship you form will be doomed to fail.
- Whatever you're looking for in your gay best friend, your relationship must be a mutually beneficial one. While you might be seeking fashion or relationship advice, witty conversation and self-esteem boosting or any other sources of support, your gay best friend is also looking for your support and advice. Be prepared to love, spoil and defend your gay best friend.
2. Take your time in finding your gay best friend and look for someone who “gets you”.
- Whatever you're looking for in your gay best friend, your relationship must be a mutually beneficial one. While you might be seeking fashion or relationship advice, witty conversation and self-esteem boosting or any other sources of support, your gay best friend is also looking for your support and advice. Be prepared to love, spoil and defend your gay best friend.
2. Take your time in finding your gay best friend and look for someone who “gets you”.
Treat your search as you would do for any friend-seeking mission by being open-minded, available to talk, non-judgmental and thoughtful. Moreover, bear in mind that, as with any friendship, you cannot force a relationship. Trying to tie down someone as your gay best friend by being overbearing and pushy will result in someone getting hurt and someone feeling used. Your friendship must be gradual, organic and a good click between the two of you.
- A best friend doesn’t judge you when you are down and knows exactly what to do to pick you up. In turn, you don't judge either and you are prepared to pitch in when your gay best friend's life is down.
- Your gay best friend should be someone who gets your sense of humor or understands your love of animals, for example.
- You’ll get each other’s jokes and want to share secrets because you know you can trust the other person. Trust is very important in any relationship, so be sure to develop this from the outset.
- Your gay best friend should be someone who gets your sense of humor or understands your love of animals, for example.
- You’ll get each other’s jokes and want to share secrets because you know you can trust the other person. Trust is very important in any relationship, so be sure to develop this from the outset.
3. Search for your new gay best friend in the usual places.
Where do the gays hang out? Everywhere! Although, stereotypically relegated to finding gay friends in drama club, art or glee, you can find a new best friend just about anywhere.
- School or varsity. In addition to certain clubs, you may find new friends who are studying the same major as you in high school or college. You don’t have to be a fashion merchandising major to find gay friends. In fact, there’s a good chance you could meet some interesting people working on group projects or studying for exams in English or history class. Although more people are coming out in high school, college or university may prove an easier place to meet a gay best friend, as older students may feel more open to express their sexuality when they are away from home and on their own.
- Work. No matter where you work, chances are you have at least one or two gay co-workers. Work can be a great place to meet new friends since there’s either a good chance you both have a passion for what you do or can share moans and groans about the job together.- Some gyms (or clubs) in gay-centric neighborhoods in big cities have a large gay membership. Excellent places to meet and become friendly with gay men.
- Nightclubs. Aside from hanging at gay bars, visit clubs that attract a more indie-driven, arty group.
- If you live in or near a city, museums and art galleries are excellent places to meet gay men. Some galleries cater to a gay clientele. In NYC, for example, there are gay-themed gallery tours, which are ideal for meeting, interacting and getting to know gay men.
- Book stores, libraries and universities sponsor lectures and discussions, some of which are gay-themed. These are excellent places to meet gay men. Many book stores have a gay section, where gay men tend to browse.
- Through other friends. Your buddy’s gay childhood friend may be someone you connect with instantly.
- Through hobbies and sports you participate in. A mutual interest in creating or playing something can be a fantastic way to begin a lifelong friendship.
- Hair stylists, fashion consultants and fashion retailers. If you shop at fashion conscious places or use stylists for your hair, body, you may meet a gay best friend through the person caring for your personal needs. Be friendly and make it clear you'd love to see them socially as well as professionally.
- Work. No matter where you work, chances are you have at least one or two gay co-workers. Work can be a great place to meet new friends since there’s either a good chance you both have a passion for what you do or can share moans and groans about the job together.- Some gyms (or clubs) in gay-centric neighborhoods in big cities have a large gay membership. Excellent places to meet and become friendly with gay men.
- Nightclubs. Aside from hanging at gay bars, visit clubs that attract a more indie-driven, arty group.
- If you live in or near a city, museums and art galleries are excellent places to meet gay men. Some galleries cater to a gay clientele. In NYC, for example, there are gay-themed gallery tours, which are ideal for meeting, interacting and getting to know gay men.
- Book stores, libraries and universities sponsor lectures and discussions, some of which are gay-themed. These are excellent places to meet gay men. Many book stores have a gay section, where gay men tend to browse.
- Through other friends. Your buddy’s gay childhood friend may be someone you connect with instantly.
- Through hobbies and sports you participate in. A mutual interest in creating or playing something can be a fantastic way to begin a lifelong friendship.
- Hair stylists, fashion consultants and fashion retailers. If you shop at fashion conscious places or use stylists for your hair, body, you may meet a gay best friend through the person caring for your personal needs. Be friendly and make it clear you'd love to see them socially as well as professionally.
4. Develop a relationship that is a two-way street.
On TV and in films, the relationship seems to be all about one character and how her/his gay friend is always coming to the rescue. Obviously real life relationships don’t work like that, so when it comes to your new friendship, treat it as you would any other relationship.
- Don’t stereotype. Just because your new bud is gay doesn’t mean its all about lipstick, dresses and drag. He or she may find those topics amusing but most likely will want to explore other topics with you as well. He or she may even insist on talking about car engines and chicken wings, so be ready for any possibility with an open mind.
- Be a good listener. After you bemoan the fact that the dresses at the Golden Globes were awful this year, listen to what he/she has to say about life (or the fashion). Perhaps your friend is going through a tough time or is trying to work out his/her own relationship issues. Remember that it’s a give and take relationship, with your supportive input being just as vital.- Be supportive. During times of crisis whom do you turn to first? Your best friend, of course. Be the kind of BFF that your new friend can lean on and depend upon during times of crisis or emergency.
- Take an interest in his/her passions or dreams. One of the great aspects of friendship is sharing common interests while also learning more about other follies in life. For example if he/she is a marathon runner, be the number one cheerleader at the finish line or attempt to enter one yourself. Or, if beach clean-up efforts are your friend’s passion, be the first one at the beach with rake in hand.
5. Be prepared to be there for the long haul.
- Be a good listener. After you bemoan the fact that the dresses at the Golden Globes were awful this year, listen to what he/she has to say about life (or the fashion). Perhaps your friend is going through a tough time or is trying to work out his/her own relationship issues. Remember that it’s a give and take relationship, with your supportive input being just as vital.- Be supportive. During times of crisis whom do you turn to first? Your best friend, of course. Be the kind of BFF that your new friend can lean on and depend upon during times of crisis or emergency.
- Take an interest in his/her passions or dreams. One of the great aspects of friendship is sharing common interests while also learning more about other follies in life. For example if he/she is a marathon runner, be the number one cheerleader at the finish line or attempt to enter one yourself. Or, if beach clean-up efforts are your friend’s passion, be the first one at the beach with rake in hand.
5. Be prepared to be there for the long haul.
All friendships should be based on a belief that they are for life. While over time some friendships do change, the ultimate aim is to be with your best friends always, learning from them, growing and changing with them and always been there, whatever distance and changes occur between you.
* Tip for gay men:
- The cat is out of the bag, so to speak, gay men are very aware that more and more women, married and single, are openly searching for a gay best friend. Nor, truth be told, is this a one-way street. Take it from a gay man: we are just as eager to meet that special woman and, should our stars be in their courses, actually realize our dream to become her Gay Best Friend. However, we are wary of being auditioned, as if we're being hired to play a gay man in a story. We don't want to be a woman's gay accessory, her gay trophy. We want the friendship to be about more than our gayness (although our gayness is very much integral to the friendship). As a gay man, I want a fulfilling and lasting friendship with a straight woman; one which grows and deepens naturally, out of mutual interests and respect.
- Having a gay best friend means that you may have to share him/her with other friends. Don’t be jealous when your other friends want to strike up a friendship, too. This is a very sensitive area for both women and gay men. Though I might be the gay best friend, this does not mean my BFF controls me. However, as her gay best friend, I understand that she expects loyalty from me, that she knows she can trust me. Tensions are alleviated when my BFF has her GFs get her permission before they may ask me out on a date. This way, I don't feel any qualms about being this woman's date, since I know that my BFF is already comfortable with it. Likewise, if a woman outside my BFF's circle asks me out, I will let her know that I have been asked out by another woman. I am not asking her permission, simply letting her know that I may also be dating another FF. As with any deep friendship, trust is the keynote between women and gay men.
- Don't be let down if you get close to someone who you think is your new gay best friend, only to find out he/she is straight-you are still friends, so love the friendship you have found!
- Your spouse or date may feel competition with your gay best friend. Deal with this early on. If you and your GBF are beginning to develop a meaningful level of intellectual and emotional intimacy, it is of vital importance to openly discuss this with your husband. Ideally, as the gay best friend, I encourage my BFF to introduce me to her husband. As a gay best friend, I feel far more relaxed when I have established a rapport with the husband. Too often, a husband is unaware of the emotional depth which will develop between me, a gay man, and his wife. It can cause resentment if the husband believes the gay best friend and his wife are too emotionally in synch. Even though he may not understand - nor even be able to answer - his wife's emotional needs that I, as a gay man do, he may still harbor resentment and blame his wife. The more open a wife, her gay best friend and her husband are, the more rewarding is both the marriage and the friendship. It is incumbent on the wife to make her husband understand why the gay best friend has become part of society's tapestry; make him see that the Gay Best Friend is now mainstream. Hopefully everyone gets along like a house on fire, but this doesn't always happen, so judge the different needs accordingly.
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